Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

I would'nt trust them to pay a dividend Al ..

They can't be as bent as the buggers who ran Langbar

Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defence Attorney: Did he take you?















Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new
wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his
wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done
at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he
came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmy had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his
wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.
He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day
it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done,
and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Scottish girl. He boasted that he told her that
her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first
day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by
the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little
out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

God bless Scottish women!!!

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the
>marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small
>sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent
>say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So the married
>couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them. "I have some special sandals I
>think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex." Well, the wife
>was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but
>her husband felt he didn't really need them, being the sex God he was. The
>husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The
>Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." Well, the husband, after some
>badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he
>slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes...something
>his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband
>grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his
>pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's
>hips. The jamaican then becan screaming.
> "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!
> YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

Where have all the miserable old sods sprung up from recently? Is it national accountants month or something?
Every thread I read (almost every thread on here), everywhere I have ever worked, my family life, the pub, my sports teams, when I was at school, everywhere has its fair share of good natured ribbing, joke telling, pi$$ taking, humour and bon homie. That is the nature of the human spirit and how we cope with the drudgery of everyday life.
Suddenly threads are infected by people who see no humour and scorn those who do. They must be loads of fun to be with.
"I am a serious investor", they say. Oh Yeah, looking for pointers on a free BB as blinger used to say.
Get a grip. It doesn't matter a jot how good you are with the markets, its how good you are at life. Your shares may let you pay the gas bill and install the double glazing but they won't keep you warm.
Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive.
Rant over.
Yours sincerely,
Angry of Leeds

Mention of an angry yorkshireman reminds me of the (very old, but allegedly true) tale told by Fred Trueman about the first day of a test match in the West Indies in the 60s.Hot sun, flat pitch and half way through the afternoon England pleased to be holding them to 280 for one.Fred bowls a blinder to Rohan Kanhai, catches the outside edge and flies straight to Ramon Subba Row at slip.Ball goes through his fingers for four.At the end of the over, the dejected fielder passes Fred and says "Sorry Fred, should have had my legs closer together". There was a pause. "Aye" replied Fred drily "and happen so should your mother".

al - agreed you old boiler, hope your ready for our teaching debate? must admit not read the thread the last couple days. whoes been miserable then??

Nah, Kivver, not on here, but the SEO thread has been taking a beasting (Now removed as offensive) and even the bugs thread had someone whining this morning about the odd bit of ribbing on there!!
As with apparantly everything in society these days, aseptic only please.
If the threads were to ban any posts that were potentially offensive, off topic or speculative as is being suggested by some then there would be very few posts, very little "community" (I hate that word) and soon, very few viewers.
I really do feel I know alot of people on here, almost as friends and I am suprised when people feel the need to be abusive over "friends" enjoying a joke or a bit of teasing.
Perhaps I belong to a different time.
Alan

i know what you mean as a 40 something i can see the world/country changing and im not sure its for the better. I used to hate people like Mary Whitehouse and think she was boring old cow stuck the mud. I now think were going to far the other way and need some rules and guidence of where the line is, but i suppose that would be different for everybody especially our TEACHERS. Who must have an incredibiliy hard job to do, lol. Some of my friends are teachers (in the second city) and i would like to tell you more about them than general public ever see or would realise.

I dont know if you watch shameless on c4 (tuesday night) a very funny show (but lots of sex, violence and swearing), way past the watershead, but the number of 13 and 14 year olds who go into school and explain in graphic detail what they have seen must put teachers in a dificult situation. The first obvious one being why do your parents let you watch this??

Alan - I support your views as I spend quite a bit of my day browsing the airwaves - however - I can understand those busy,busy people who only log on once in a while and have to trawl through literally hundreds of gossip to find any real substance.

having said that - I dont plan to change my ways. These are after all free Bulletin Boards - and you do as you say develop a sort of camaraderie

Off on holiday this weekend sp usually riseds when I am away - hope this is no exception.

Baza

Here you go Al ,,this should cheer you up .

I suggest we all club together to keep Baza on holiday for 12 months, SEO 1,050 by the time he returns?!

kim

Happy again.
God, I'm so shallow.
Have a great holiday Baza.

:-( I see signs of someone trying to turn this now far more sensible thread back into one of balatant debauchery and happiness. Going to report you to the Gloom and Doom police Jimmy.
:-(

I specialise in doom and gloom Kim .

Phworr Jimmy, if that's gloom and doom, make me more miserable!

kim

al - we wont have this debate (post 4119), then RUDE PEOPLE KEEP INTERUPTING, LOL. i love the pics, make love not war, one of my favourite sayings. and i dont mean you and me!!!

One of my favourite things to do as well Kivver!

kim

all i will say is you have GOOD and BAD teachers. You have some who put their heart and soul into it. On the car park on 8 in the am and leave at 5 - 6 pm in the afternoon (thats 10 to 11 hours a day) only 15 mins break in am and 30 mins for dinner. Kids do go at 3.30 but then there are meetings, detentions , sports teams (which is a nightmare to organise) preperation, hours of marking, performance management, ofsted etc. My friends usually spend 8 hours on the weekend doing school work and certainly half of their half term holidays.

When they are school trying to mange the discilpline, getting the kids to work (whats the most teachers can do nowadays, a detention and dont bother coming to it anyway), parents now back thier kids and not the teacher. The abusive, aggression, swearing form the kids is sometimes unbearable. Of course not sure of the pressures of teachers at nice schools or posh schools but big city school it is very stressful and need their breaks and holidays. But all my friends do about 50-60 hour weeks not what you thought.