Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

JOKE OF THE DAY

World Order Politics - (as explained by the use of two cows)

Feudalism
You have two cows. Your Lord and Master takes all the milk he wants.

Pure Socialism
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you all the milk you need.

Bureaucratic Socialism
Ex-chicken farmers care for your cows. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

Fascism
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Pure Communism
You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Real World Communism
You share two cows with your neighbours. You and your neighbours bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

Russian Communism
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

Perestroika
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market.

Cambodian Communism
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Militarianism
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you into the army.

Totalitarianism
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Pure Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

British Democracy
You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

Bureaucracy
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Pure Anarchy
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours try to take the cows and kill you.

Pure Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Capitalism
You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you any money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

Environmentalism
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

Political Correctness
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Surrealism
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Now that, I like

ANOTHER JOKE OF THE DAY

WHY?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery?"

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it that to stop Windows 2000, you have to click on "Start?"

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour when dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there a 'mouse-flavoured' cat food?

You know that little indestructible 'black box' that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy booze when you can't drink and drive?

PLEASE TELL ME WHY!

not been in for a while, has Bos had the baby yet, and what has happened to Wilbs ?

heres one i thought youd appreciate:

A married couple lay in bed one night not yet asleep when all the sudden
John let out a large, rumbling fart.
"Touch down, 7 points, I am ahead 7-0!" John said.
Jane, wondering what that was all about, decided that she could play the
game too. So a few minutes later she passed a loud fart.
"Touch down, 7 points, tie game!" Jane proudly announced.
A few minutes passed and it was John's turn. "Touch down 7 points 14-7."
Next was Jane's turn. "Touch down 7 points, 14-14. Tie game."
After a few minutes of silence, Jane let out a small squeaker. "Field
goal, 2 points 16-14."
Well, John, not about to be outdone by a woman in a man's game had to
win. So he pushed and strained and tried hard to beat his wife. But,
tried too hard and shit the bed.
John and Jane just laid in bed in stunned silence not knowing what to say
to each other. Finally, John looked at his wife and said...

"Half time, switch sides!"

girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

One for the women:

Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said, "You'd better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do; he'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off."

But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said, "Don't worry Mum, I've got it covered."

So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said "You shouldn't be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off."

So she pulled out the shotgun and said, "Don't worry boys. Got it covered!"

As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said, "You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and fuck your little red socks off."

So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said...

"NO! You're going to eat me like the book says."

that's better :))

a joke:-

A Bear, lion and chicken are having a chat about who is the hardest. The bear says when i roar the whole forest trembles, the lion says when i roar the whole jungle shakes with fear, the chicken says i only have to sneeze and whole world sh*ts its self!!!

Joke of the day

A very, very big woman wearing a sleeveless sundress walked into a bar. As she raised her right arm to point to all the people sitting along the bar, she revealed a huge hairy armpit. She loudly asked, "What man along the bar will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went very silent as the patrons tried desperately to ignore her. However, at the end of the bar was a skinny little guy, wearing very thick glasses, who was very drunk. He slammed his hand on the bar and shouted, "Hell, Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down in one. She turned again to the patrons and pointed at all of them, once again revealing her incredibly hairy armpit, and asked, "What man along the bar will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the little drunk slapped his hand down on the bar and said, "Hell, why not, give the ballerina another drink."

The bartender approached the little drunk and asked, "Say fella, I know it's your business an all if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The skinny drunk squinted at the bartender and replied. "Matey! to me, any woman who can lift her leg that high must be a friggin' ballerina

you !!!!

Quiet on here today.
Bos. You changing nappies yet????
Alan

nope. situation should change at the weekend :))

Blimey, nappies and salami.

fully stocked up on both :)

struggling with the step up in reading material, though.

Bos,
ask for the 'magic' inducing gel. my missus had twins. it took a couple of hours for the gel to start its magic then labour thru to delivery of two babies and stage 3 took approx 45 mins. it was so fast she didn't get the pain relief she requested and i had to help the mid wife as there weren't enuf medics on hand such was the pace.

Especially if it happens on Saturday.
Don't want to miss "Match of the Day", do we..................

not yet :(