Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Whats the difference between a traffic warden and a bucket of shit?


The bucket

A priest, a doctor, and a traffic warden were waiting one morning on a particularly slow group of golfers. "Whats wrong with these guys?" fumed the traffic warden. "We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" "I dont know," said the doctor, "but Ive never seen such ineptitude!"
"Here comes the greenskeeper," said the priest. "Lets have a word with him. Say, George, whats with that group ahead of us? Theyre rather slow. arent they?" "Oh, yes," said George, "Thats the group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our club last year. We let them play here anytime free of charge!" Everyone was silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "Thats so sad, I think Ill say a prayer for them tonight." "And Im going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there is anything he can do for them," the doctor added.

"Why cant they play at night?" asked the traffic warden.

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.
The doctor said, We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked, he fell off his motorbike. The third is a traffic warden who just died after giving tickets for 30 years. Ill take the traffic wardens heart, said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. It was easy, the patient replied. I wanted a heart that hadnt been used.

If there are any traffic wardens reading this thread I wish to dissociate myself from recent posts, my identity has been stolen....but if there aren't any.....

Whats the difference between a porcupine and a car with two traffic wardens riding in it?
A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Change of Topic

Three ladies were having lunch together and discussing the merits of Cosmetic surgery.

The first lady say's, " I need to be honest with you girls, I'm getting a boob job done."

The second lady say's, " Oh that's nothing! I'm having a face lift next week.

The third lady say's, " Well hell girls, that's all very well but I've gotta tell you I'm thinking of having my arsehole bleached!"

To which the first lady replies, "Holy shit Wendy.........you know, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde ......"

An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a facelift.
He says, "Well, we have three models. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years, and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years."The old lady says, "Well tell me about them."The doctor says, "For $1000, you are going to get a half-ass job that you pay very little for."She responds, "Forget that one, what about the next one?"He explains, "For $3000, we do a much better job and pay close attention to detail, but it's only guaranteed for 3 years."The lady says, "No, that's no good either, what about the last one?"The doctor replies, "For $5000, you are going to get the best facelift with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, just come back in and we will tighten the screw."The lady is delighted and has the surgery.

About 6 months later she comes back to the office very upset. "Doctor, I want my money back because I look horrible. Look at these bags under my eyes!"

The doctor leans back in his chair and says, "Lady, you aren't getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your boobs and if you keep messing with that screw, you're going to have a beard!"

best joke i've heard for ages. nice one :))

Well its my chosen part of the year for doing a mid price valuation of my current portfolio, so at close of business today I will be working out value + dividends + amount drawn - amount added to compare with this day last year and see how much I've lost on what feels like a poor year.
I always target myself to equal the FTSE (after costs), but I don't think I've even come close this year. :-((
Let you all know later, how crap I am.
Alan

Al
I do my portfolio at the end of December
Year ending 03 my port was up 37%
04 was 7.2%
05 was 35%
This year from Dec Im up about 25% already how does this compare with yours.

I'm an amateur, Driver.
Had good years ending 02,03 and 04 based on a couple of lucky ones (20%+), but 05 was poor (evens) and 06 looks to be about 16%, but I am still working it out, so it could be much worse (or better).
I have had a couple of disasters in the last year, so even the successes like CSB and BRW and MKS look like they'll be wiped out by YOO, BRY and others. (BRY-75%, ouch).
Will make my "state of the Union" address over the weekend, and you can see what an ill informed tit I have been for the last year!!
Alan

Al
Im not in any of the ones you have mentioned MKS have done well and I wish I got in early the next retail success could be ALY I have only got a hand fall been sitting on them for years and should of topped up. YOO are not down that much youre probably in to heavy.
Have a look at SCO, top up your DCD, and get some ERX long-term stick with me and we can loose money together.

everyone have a nice easter :))



i do like eating chocolate ;)

Al, I do sympathise as I've had a few teething difficulties myself when it comes to that slippery concept known as profitability (aka why didn't I just keep my assets as cash and invest it by sticking it under the mattress?). However, it beats me why you say you don't invest in oil companies and/or metals miners. Given that the product is certain to sell and you can find the prices published just about everywhere, I'd have thought you'd see some of these plays as dead cert multi-baggers . . . ??

Mr. Smug Traders has been holding/adding NOP for a couple of years, just did a bundle on SBE, plus am currently riding VOG and expecting great things from BLR. Am into some miners too. I won't bore you with the details - you'll have seen my name on the threads. As usual, DYOR and Don't Blame Me :o)

Anyway, Happy Easter one and all, and more successful speculating in the spring!!

ST.

Twas a worse year than I suspected. After accounting for cash injections to my portfolio I am just 8.4% up on the year. :-((
As usual, there are 3 groups of shares. The flyers, the plummeters and the I aint going nowheres.
You all know that SEO is a large(ish) holding of mine and that has done nowt for me in the last 12 months which is probably my own fault for failing to trade it, and just sitting on it. ITV did much the same till I got shut of them, as have BBC, but I still have them for the divi, as my entry point was very low and years ago.
WIL is quiet, but this will not remain that way, and the same can be said for CTG (worth a look for when the hostile takeover nonsense is sorted).
HYC continues to serve me well, as does BRW (may be time to leave after a 500% + rise since purchase some years ago) and CSB (showing double bagger +).
MKS has given me a good year, with more to come (7 next year) and BGY did well till I sold out.
I was in NOP prior to the consolidation so i am showing good on that.
BRY was a major brainstorm for me. Lost a mint, sold out, then lost some more buying back in, but it will rise again this year. I'm not actually that heavy on YOO, but its an easy target for my frustrations after I saw it drop like a stone. Still in there though.
Most of my newer acquisitions have changed so little through the year that they have had little impact on my results. PCM, DCD etc.
Funny thing is, had I calculated the 12 months as Mar - Feb, I would be about +28%.
Stranger still, the last 2 years have seen my returns fall, coinciding with a shift in weighting from blue chip dividend payers to smaller cap bets. Perhaps the larger spreads are what i am reflecting, and now the transition is complete, my margins will return.
That also explains why I get nervy about hole-in -the-ground companies. I am fairly new (2 years) to the smaller companies and less used to buying on potential.
Rules for the coming 12 months;
1) Do not increase the weighting on small caps
2) Be quicker to sell if it goes tits up
3) Unless you have money to burn, ignore everything I say.

I commend this budget to the house.
Alan

bos
Nice to see Pat out in front.

Al
Not a bad budget and good points for the next twelve months If you keep to them, If PCM comes good it will wipe out all your loses and more heres hoping.

Al it's good friday , what are you doing up at 7 am ?

Can't sleep, jimmy.
I'm in the middle of a fairly big (by my standards) land purchase and redevelopement deal.
I'd been lying awake since 4am, and I'll probably be working on it over the weekend cos the proposal and budgeting has to be done by Tuesday!!
Driver,
I feel so good about SEO, DCD and PCM for the next year I am very confident of the best year since 2002. Spookily, I feel BRY will double over the next year cos it was over sold.
HYC, WIL and CTG are other bankers, but I will be avoiding anything too risky and reverting back to my normal stance of 80% blue chip/mid cap and 20% risky(er)
Catch you all later, and have a good Easter (or new year for any Siekh's out there).
Alan

Who the hells that bugger with the squint????

Al
His one of your Siekh's, glad to see some one else is working I'm working all over easter.