Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

On the morning/closing market reports on the home page, I wonder where the bird in the background (with the white top) keeps going?

I dunno, but when I watched it just now, a guy in a pale shirt followed her, but never came back . . . .

what a gorgeous, lovely warm week it has been. what a pisser it has been to have to work !! i think the government should ban bank holidays and replace them with warm weather days. if the temp hits 23 degrees by 9am then every should be able to go home and enjoy the good weather. when you think about it , it'll probably work out the same number of days off.

as a friend of mine said recently, the warm weather brings 'em all out, nice and plump with their winter fat, before the summer diets start and wearing not very much. so, a question for the guys ...... how many near crashes have you had so far??? not been driving around much so i'm only on two near misses when i've been having a leer and then turned my attention back to the road only to see that traffic has stopped !!!!

Since the wife is hanging around I can only answer that by saying I really don't understand the question.
Anyway, I have all on at the wheel using my mobile phone, drinking a Starbucks and using my mirror to have a shave, without any further distractions.
The car is an automatic but I still have to sit in the front seat for some reason.
Alan

I've just read some fantastic research.
Apparantly, smoking shrinks your lungs. thats the best news I've read in years. It means theres more room for my stomach, which in turn means I can drink more beer!!
What a great start to the day.
Alan

Friday Joke

A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive-looking
Chinese girl. After a night of cavorting, she asks him back to her place
'for a cup of coffee'.

They get to her flat, and she tells him to help himself to a drink while she
slips into something more comfortable.

Just as he finishes his drink, the s*xy Chinese seductress returns wearing
only a see-through neglig. 'I am your s*x slave!' she says. 'I will do absolutely ANYTHING you want.'

The man can't believe his luck.

'Hmm,' he says, grinning from ear-to-ear. 'I really fancy a 69.'

'You can just f**k off!' replies the girl. 'I'm not cooking at this time of night.'

Then there's the beach bos ,i happen to live by the sea so i'm lucky.
As for crashes ,when you see a nice young lady in a miniskirt ,the best way is start braking as you look ,then if you crash in to the car in front it softens the blow.

ah jimmy, you must have been a boy scout as you seem always prepared for anything :)) speaking of soft blows ....... i think she would just about do ;)

Bothered

http://a.wimp.com/v/bothered.wmv

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes

in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.

The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises

him as well as he can, with love and compassion.



After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink.

Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of

him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the

bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in

disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.



Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then

bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh!

Plip!

Plop!!

Two arms pop out.



The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son

to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another

drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to

polishing glasses, shaking his head" clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down,

grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Plop!

Plip!!

Two legs pop out.



The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and

tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then

staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a

truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

(Wait for it)







































(It's coming)





































(Ya ready?)







































(Don't hate me)





































(Ya gonna hate me)













































"He should've quit while he was a head!"

lol

This might cheer someone up;

2% or 98%

This is strange...can you figure it out?

Are you the 2% or 98% of the population?

Follow the instructions! NO PEEKING AHEAD!

* Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow.

* There's no trick or surprise.

* Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can!
* Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them ... really. * Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss something.)

































Think of a number from 1 to 10














































Multiply that number by 9
















































If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits together












































Now subtract 5















































Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number you ended up with

(example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c,etc.)













































Think of a country that starts with that letter.










































Remember the last letter of the name of that country.
















































Think of the name of an animal that starts with that letter.
















































Remember the last letter in the name of that animal.















































Think of the name of a fruit that starts with that letter.






































Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark eating an Orange ?

i got a cat eating a tangerine in the dominican republic.

Awkward bugger

I got a Lama eating an apple in Brazil ,just don't ask me how .

Jimmy, hows your maths???

I got a Kudu eating god knows what in Denamrk!!

My maths is ok Al ,i think its my animals and fruit im not up on i'll have another go .

It's an Ant munching on a Guava in Kazkhstan.

I'm off home