Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Mmm, that Crawford is a bit of a cracker.

Ding dong.

great pic of cindy, jimmy. i've been looking for somewhere to park this ;)

Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen
that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her
tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only
have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Doreen
agreed and again they made love.

Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, "Honey?
Please? Just one more time before I die?" She agreed, then afterward she
rolled over and fell asleep.

Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on
the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could
we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Dave, I have
to get up in the morning! You don't."

Sorry - but I thought it was funny !!!!

...and a few essex girl jokes - with apologies naturally

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker. "10" replies the Essex
girl.
"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and
Wayne."
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing
in the street I just have to shout WAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAYNE
GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..." "What if you want to speak to one
individually?" says the perturbed council worker. "That's easy," says
the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames."
_______________________________

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on
the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she
says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies."This time it's mayonnaise."
_______________________________

Essex Girl enters a s*x shop & asks for a vibrator. The man says "Choose
from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take the red one." The man
replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
_______________________________

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
bleeding.
The paramedics soon arrive on site. Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and
I'm going to ask you some questions?" Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Sharon."
Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
Sharon: "Yes."
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Sharon: "Romford, mate."
________________________________

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang.
It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on
the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be
careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's f*cking hundreds
of them!"
________________________________

Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood
everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till
she's lying flat out on the floor. Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if
you're concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
________________________________

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices
something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says,
"Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your
wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?" The Irish guy
smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies,"Well, oim little
bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me roight foot and the
one wit the L is for me Left foot" "Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl,
"So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!"

Only 13 days to my holidays. How happy am I????
I have been considering a complaint of discrimination though.
Too old for Club 18-30 and too young for Saga. What does that leave me?

AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT

Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's

accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian

equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story.



Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....read on...



Dear Sir,



I am writing in response to your request for additional information in

Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause

of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the

following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the

day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story

building.



When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over

which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a

barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building

on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof,

swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and

untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the

bricks.



You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh

135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly,

I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to

say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the

vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding

downward at an equally impressive speed.



This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken

collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed

only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the

fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was

able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience

pain.



At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the

ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight

of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you

again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down

the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the

barrel coming up.



This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several

lacerations of my legs and lower body.



Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the Barrel

seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the

pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.



I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in

pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind

and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin

its journey back down onto me.



This explains the two broken legs.



I hope this answers your inquiry.

ha :P

http://www.dentwizard.co.uk/

Chocolat, the webpage your "Ha :P" link leads to contains the following question:

"Would you prefer to learn the
entire process of Paintless Dent Repair from a school on one vehicle .....?"


Errr . . . , dunno. Can I phone a friend?


Well, it tickled me anyway.

Footy Related Joke

A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday."

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."

So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday". The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says, "Go talk to your father."

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday." The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4 times and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT shirt!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says; "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"

The son says, "Yes dad I have." "Good son, what is it?"

The son replies, "I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you German ba****rds!"

Alternative ending.
"Why do you hate England so much, Dad"?
"I don't, son".
"So why did you hit me and go mad"?
"Even a sausage eating Kraut like me knows that a shirt with Owen Hargreaves on the back will get you bullied at school, the useless to$$er".

LOL from Frankfurt :o)

Only 6 days to my holidays. (Not that I'm counting you understand).
My dream is that both England and Mexico make it the the world cup final. I know there is no chance, but I would love to watch it on the big screen on the beach in Mexico.
What an experience that would be!!!