Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT

Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's

accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian

equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story.



Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....read on...



Dear Sir,



I am writing in response to your request for additional information in

Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause

of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the

following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the

day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story

building.



When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over

which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a

barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building

on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof,

swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and

untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the

bricks.



You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh

135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly,

I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to

say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the

vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding

downward at an equally impressive speed.



This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken

collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed

only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the

fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was

able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience

pain.



At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the

ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight

of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you

again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down

the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the

barrel coming up.



This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several

lacerations of my legs and lower body.



Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the Barrel

seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the

pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.



I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in

pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind

and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin

its journey back down onto me.



This explains the two broken legs.



I hope this answers your inquiry.

ha :P

http://www.dentwizard.co.uk/

Chocolat, the webpage your "Ha :P" link leads to contains the following question:

"Would you prefer to learn the
entire process of Paintless Dent Repair from a school on one vehicle .....?"


Errr . . . , dunno. Can I phone a friend?


Well, it tickled me anyway.

Footy Related Joke

A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday."

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."

So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday". The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says, "Go talk to your father."

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday." The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4 times and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT shirt!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says; "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"

The son says, "Yes dad I have." "Good son, what is it?"

The son replies, "I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you German ba****rds!"

Alternative ending.
"Why do you hate England so much, Dad"?
"I don't, son".
"So why did you hit me and go mad"?
"Even a sausage eating Kraut like me knows that a shirt with Owen Hargreaves on the back will get you bullied at school, the useless to$$er".

LOL from Frankfurt :o)

Only 6 days to my holidays. (Not that I'm counting you understand).
My dream is that both England and Mexico make it the the world cup final. I know there is no chance, but I would love to watch it on the big screen on the beach in Mexico.
What an experience that would be!!!

Friday Funny

An Italian-American family was considering putting their grandfather in
a nursing home.

All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him
in a Jewish home.

After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful!! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says
Grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place
for you."

"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here,"
Grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here -- he's 85-years old. He hasn't played the
violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'.

"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing
medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!!

"Also a Federal Judge, retired for over 30 years, is still addressed as
'Your Honor'.

"And the best bit is me! Hell,I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me 'that f#*king Italian'"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It is just before England v Brazil at the next World Cup Group game.



Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team

mates looking a bit glum.



"What's up?" he asks.



"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know

it's important but it's only England. They're always sh*te and we just

can't be bothered".



Ronaldinho looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them by

myself, you lads go down the pub."



So Ronaldinho goes out to play England all by himself and the rest of

the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.



After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the

landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads



Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes).



He is beating England all by himself.



Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone

remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put

the TV on again.



Result from the Stadium Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1

(Beckham 89 minutes).



They can't believe it; he has single handedly got a draw against

England!!



They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho.



They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his

head in his hands.



He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down boys, I've let you

down."



"Don't be daft; you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And

they only scored at the very, very end!"



"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

Bit dead over here ,,cheer up Wimbledon starts today

Have you asked her if you can be her ball boy Jimmy?
kim

That looks like 2 pictures stuck together.
Waist down is Geoff Capes and the waist up is Karen Carpenter.

When did Geoff Capes start shaving his legs?

I think she's just coming on for Italy..oh, sorry it's Totti not Totty.