Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

nice innit.

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking.
"So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctorassured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small", $6,500 for "medium", $14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:

"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.

ELDERLY SEX

One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment ... killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.She began coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could
have sex ...He could fly."

Breaking news;
Following this case in The USA, Tony Blair is proposing an emergency Dangerous Vegetables Act, similar to the dangerous dogs act. All salad vegetables must be muzzled and neutered.

The body of a missing woman has been found in a delivery truck, crushed to death by lettuce.

A dock worker at a grocery store distribution centre found the body of Sheila Kay Ross, 47, three days after she was reported missing in Arizona.

Mrs Ross was pinned inside the truck while it was being loaded, said Dr John Kraemer of the Iowa medical examiner's office.

The cause of death was given as compressional asphyxiation.

Mrs Ross and her husband had gone to the centre to pick up supplies, and Mrs Ross got out of the truck to get paperwork but never returned.

A spokesman for the distribution centre said the lettuce had been destroyed.

Am I the only one who finds that last line so surrealy hilarious????

Nope, Al, now there are two of us.

Sadly, and perhaps somewhat disturbingly, there are now 3.

We could always form a sick minds club

One thing is for sure, I will be keeping a wary eye on my Little Gems next time I'm down in my veggie plot.

Are there any more dangerous veg out there? This could be just the tip of the Iceberg.

Crikey, Kim, it was an Iceberg that sank the Titanic. You don't think . . . ??

Have we uncovered a maoist vegetable conspiracy to overthrow the world??
Maestro, comments please............

Good point (or bad point in Titanic's case). Is it possible that veg is at the root of all the world problems? Before you know it parliament will be taken over by vegetables......err, am I too late?

Those invested in SEO may now be interested to learn that there is a rumour that Starpol 3000 has been delayed while it is destruction tested to ensure shoppers are safe from violent neo-nazi salads and there random terror attacks on shopping trolleys.
Meanwhile, after the choking to death of a raccoon scavenging in a dustbin in Arkansas, the Raddish Revolutionary Party has claimed responsibility and George Bush has committed 20000 troops to root out vegetables in "operation Hellmans". early reports suggest there are no vegetable casualties yet, but the Americans have lost 5 soldiers to so called "friendly soup making".

EXTRA
In an attempt to reduce the terrorist threat from vegetables Metropolitan police have used a 2 pronged strategy.
1) They have increased their advice from 5 a day to 12 a day
2) An amnesty has been declared on spud guns..................

I have always suspected that something was being withheld when the Maoist Cultural Revolution was explained, I now realize it was probably the Maoist Horticultural Revolution. Stand by your veggie beds, the march of the cabbage patch dolls is about to commence.

BBC's Panorama have been working on a programme to uncover a disturbing movement of food in Britain; cases of fruit and veg are known to have been sent to all parts of Britain: the nut cases have been sent to the Houses of Parliament.

Thats a cover up. They are even having it hosted by Jeremy VINE.
Dangerous times..................

I have done some investigating on ST's theory about the Titanic. One of the people who remained on board as it sank was the Priest. Is it possible that he was not saying a final prayer when he last spoke, that he did not utter the words "Let us Pray" but was in fact saying that the Titanic was "Lettuce prey"? Also I have just dropped an Iceberg lettuce in some water, only a third of it is above water. It is time to alert the world.

Osama Bin Laden is an anagram of "Basil an' a demon"

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.

The shop assisant said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

He said to his manager, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?," replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!"

The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"