Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Crikey, Kim, it was an Iceberg that sank the Titanic. You don't think . . . ??

Have we uncovered a maoist vegetable conspiracy to overthrow the world??
Maestro, comments please............

Good point (or bad point in Titanic's case). Is it possible that veg is at the root of all the world problems? Before you know it parliament will be taken over by vegetables......err, am I too late?

Those invested in SEO may now be interested to learn that there is a rumour that Starpol 3000 has been delayed while it is destruction tested to ensure shoppers are safe from violent neo-nazi salads and there random terror attacks on shopping trolleys.
Meanwhile, after the choking to death of a raccoon scavenging in a dustbin in Arkansas, the Raddish Revolutionary Party has claimed responsibility and George Bush has committed 20000 troops to root out vegetables in "operation Hellmans". early reports suggest there are no vegetable casualties yet, but the Americans have lost 5 soldiers to so called "friendly soup making".

EXTRA
In an attempt to reduce the terrorist threat from vegetables Metropolitan police have used a 2 pronged strategy.
1) They have increased their advice from 5 a day to 12 a day
2) An amnesty has been declared on spud guns..................

I have always suspected that something was being withheld when the Maoist Cultural Revolution was explained, I now realize it was probably the Maoist Horticultural Revolution. Stand by your veggie beds, the march of the cabbage patch dolls is about to commence.

BBC's Panorama have been working on a programme to uncover a disturbing movement of food in Britain; cases of fruit and veg are known to have been sent to all parts of Britain: the nut cases have been sent to the Houses of Parliament.

Thats a cover up. They are even having it hosted by Jeremy VINE.
Dangerous times..................

I have done some investigating on ST's theory about the Titanic. One of the people who remained on board as it sank was the Priest. Is it possible that he was not saying a final prayer when he last spoke, that he did not utter the words "Let us Pray" but was in fact saying that the Titanic was "Lettuce prey"? Also I have just dropped an Iceberg lettuce in some water, only a third of it is above water. It is time to alert the world.

Osama Bin Laden is an anagram of "Basil an' a demon"

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.

The shop assisant said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

He said to his manager, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?," replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!"

The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

Excellent.

i can half remember a joke about a hitman called artie who does someone a favour, (he only charges him 1), and strangles 3 people in a supermarket, finishing with the punchline "artie chokes 3 for 1 at asda ", but i can't remember it properly .


and i've probably fecked it all up , anyway :S

Never mind, Bos, you get a half-hearted round of applause for trying :o)

Bosley -

Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy
marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems
by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with
himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her
killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a
nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of
"Artie".

Artie explained to the husband that his going price for
snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he
was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't
have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's
insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING
up front.

The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar
bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes,
and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment
for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the
local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in
the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with
his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her
last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the
produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no
choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by
hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard,
who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and
arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense
questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the
sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the
hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the head-
line declared: ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY."

that's the fella!! cheers, skinny.

been contesting today at preston. we weren't last , but not far off. hopefully, the blackpool contest will reward us more favourably. getting tired of not winning :S

Speaking of almsot last. The cricket season approaches rapidly. Only 2 weeks and we will be down at Headingley, having large hairy blokes trying to take my head off with 5 ounces of finest english leather at stupid speeds.
I really love my cricket.
This year, I am vice captain, so I have to check out any vice and test it before the team use it.
Looking forward to another year of injury and disappointment, because this is English Cricket and there is no point in expecting anything else.

I haven't played cricket since my school days and even then I was kicked out of the team after they found my girlfriend tampering with my balls behind the pavilion.

Remember the days when if a school team was short you lent them a fielder when you were batting? We had a guy we always used - had such a strong arm that first time he fielded the ball we were guaranteed overthrows as it would be past the keeper before he could blink. Rumour has it same guy threw a cricket ball over Lockwood Viaduct near Huddersfield - know it Alan?