Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

EXTRA
In an attempt to reduce the terrorist threat from vegetables Metropolitan police have used a 2 pronged strategy.
1) They have increased their advice from 5 a day to 12 a day
2) An amnesty has been declared on spud guns..................

I have always suspected that something was being withheld when the Maoist Cultural Revolution was explained, I now realize it was probably the Maoist Horticultural Revolution. Stand by your veggie beds, the march of the cabbage patch dolls is about to commence.

BBC's Panorama have been working on a programme to uncover a disturbing movement of food in Britain; cases of fruit and veg are known to have been sent to all parts of Britain: the nut cases have been sent to the Houses of Parliament.

Thats a cover up. They are even having it hosted by Jeremy VINE.
Dangerous times..................

I have done some investigating on ST's theory about the Titanic. One of the people who remained on board as it sank was the Priest. Is it possible that he was not saying a final prayer when he last spoke, that he did not utter the words "Let us Pray" but was in fact saying that the Titanic was "Lettuce prey"? Also I have just dropped an Iceberg lettuce in some water, only a third of it is above water. It is time to alert the world.

Osama Bin Laden is an anagram of "Basil an' a demon"

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.

The shop assisant said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

He said to his manager, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?," replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!"

The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

Excellent.

i can half remember a joke about a hitman called artie who does someone a favour, (he only charges him 1), and strangles 3 people in a supermarket, finishing with the punchline "artie chokes 3 for 1 at asda ", but i can't remember it properly .


and i've probably fecked it all up , anyway :S

Never mind, Bos, you get a half-hearted round of applause for trying :o)

Bosley -

Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy
marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems
by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with
himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her
killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a
nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of
"Artie".

Artie explained to the husband that his going price for
snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he
was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't
have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's
insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING
up front.

The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar
bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes,
and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment
for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the
local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in
the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with
his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her
last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the
produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no
choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by
hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard,
who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and
arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense
questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the
sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the
hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the head-
line declared: ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY."

that's the fella!! cheers, skinny.

been contesting today at preston. we weren't last , but not far off. hopefully, the blackpool contest will reward us more favourably. getting tired of not winning :S

Speaking of almsot last. The cricket season approaches rapidly. Only 2 weeks and we will be down at Headingley, having large hairy blokes trying to take my head off with 5 ounces of finest english leather at stupid speeds.
I really love my cricket.
This year, I am vice captain, so I have to check out any vice and test it before the team use it.
Looking forward to another year of injury and disappointment, because this is English Cricket and there is no point in expecting anything else.

I haven't played cricket since my school days and even then I was kicked out of the team after they found my girlfriend tampering with my balls behind the pavilion.

Remember the days when if a school team was short you lent them a fielder when you were batting? We had a guy we always used - had such a strong arm that first time he fielded the ball we were guaranteed overthrows as it would be past the keeper before he could blink. Rumour has it same guy threw a cricket ball over Lockwood Viaduct near Huddersfield - know it Alan?

I know the Lockwood viaduct very well, and I wonder if it was the same guy who was banned from playing at Outlane, because he was a danger to the traffic on the M62??
We still have the rule in our league that if a team is short, the opposition should lend them a fielder. We always lend them a guy called Thumbs for very obvious reasons.
better still is when we are short of an umpire and the batting team has to supply the square leg umpire. You would be amazed at the increadible not outs given when a batsman is about 15 feet short of his crease.
But never an argument or a crossed word, just a great game and lots of beer afterwards. thats why I love cricket. Can you imagine something similar in Sunday League football???

just found this and it made me laugh.

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

**************************************************************************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

****************************************************************************************************
>From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

**************************************************************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock , three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight."

****************************************************************************************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

***************************************************************************************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

****************************************************************************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"


****************************************************************************************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: " Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

*****************************************************************************************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

****************************************************************************************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." !
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

*************************************************************************************************
While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, scre aming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Anyone fancy a go at the competition, 100 quid prize....

starting on S/Crazy site now.

Heres the link..

http://www.sharecrazy.com/share_competitions.php

I think you have to register (free)