Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Remember the days when if a school team was short you lent them a fielder when you were batting? We had a guy we always used - had such a strong arm that first time he fielded the ball we were guaranteed overthrows as it would be past the keeper before he could blink. Rumour has it same guy threw a cricket ball over Lockwood Viaduct near Huddersfield - know it Alan?

I know the Lockwood viaduct very well, and I wonder if it was the same guy who was banned from playing at Outlane, because he was a danger to the traffic on the M62??
We still have the rule in our league that if a team is short, the opposition should lend them a fielder. We always lend them a guy called Thumbs for very obvious reasons.
better still is when we are short of an umpire and the batting team has to supply the square leg umpire. You would be amazed at the increadible not outs given when a batsman is about 15 feet short of his crease.
But never an argument or a crossed word, just a great game and lots of beer afterwards. thats why I love cricket. Can you imagine something similar in Sunday League football???

just found this and it made me laugh.

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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>From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock , three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight."

****************************************************************************************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

***************************************************************************************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

****************************************************************************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"


****************************************************************************************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: " Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

*****************************************************************************************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

****************************************************************************************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." !
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

*************************************************************************************************
While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, scre aming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Anyone fancy a go at the competition, 100 quid prize....

starting on S/Crazy site now.

Heres the link..

http://www.sharecrazy.com/share_competitions.php

I think you have to register (free)

Cracker bos !!!

it's been strange listening to the radio and seeing the news on the tele about the "great" blizzard that was supposed to have plunged the whole country into chaos. we only got about 4 snowflakes in bolton. very disappointing. bloody cold, though !

It ain't over yet - apparently.
There's big black stuff rolling in off that there Atlantic.

well i hope it's worth the build up this time.

What snow? We've had about 3mm of snow here in Frankfurt this week, which melted the same day. Friends who live in the nearby hilly areas report snow, but I'm finding it a bit difficult to imagine the weather that's supposed to have killed three people.

Maybe I should have a peek on CNN.com

well, we did get some snow in bolton last night, but it hasn't lasted. it's all pretty much gone now. there was enough to make a snowball and shove it down my girlfriends jumper while she was dozing on the couch :)) i never knew she could move that fast .......

evidently,according to CNN,there's been about 8ft of snow,nr New York,thats enough then ,to keep BBC News 24 going for a week !

So how come it's so much colder in England at the mo? Normally, we'd be freezing here in Germany and you lot in England would be "enjoying" normal soggy British weather.

If the rain that had fallen on Frankfurt in the last week had been snow instead, it would probably be feet deep as well.

Am coming back to Bournemouth on 3rd March, but I don't have to be Ian McGaskill to work out that the south coast will have had no snow and that there'll be no need for me to bring my toboggan.

"So how come it's so much colder in England at the mo? Normally, we'd be freezing here in Germany and you lot in England would be "enjoying" normal soggy British weather..........."

er well it isn't cold at the mo,back to being windy and wet.........and thats the end of the weather forcast..........This is Radio 4,and now for the news...........................

for ernie . RIP.

and another.

Nice one Bosley.

It's not my fault. I just do what the Rice Krispies tell me.

watch out for them, alan. they're evil little feckers, especially that crackle.

not spoke for a while. 'ow's tha' fettlin'?

Very well, Bos me old mate.
Hows your belly for blackheads??
Very busy recently so the boards have taken a back seat for a while, but the nights are getting lighter, the cricket season is almost here and I am coming on leaps and bounds on the old guitar.
Business is booming, lifes a riot, settled into my tiny little new home and I am feeling as good as I ever have, thanks for asking.
Hows the wee one???
What do you think of the councils spending 28 million on touring pubs to make sure no-one is smoking? What next? Bouncers on the door of McDonalds saying "bugger off you fat salad dodger. You're not coming in here till you lose 3 stone".
I think I still have a different script to the rest of the world, but I'll soldier on.
Alan

only the one on me belly which gets a good squeezing every now and again .
the wee one will be 1 next month. she's walking, says the odd word and is giving me attitude already. she figured out early that daddy is a soft-arse and uses this knowledge to great effect to make sure she gets what she wants. to be honest, it's scaring the shit out of me just how quickly this year has gone. i can't help thinkiing that i'll be 50 when she is 10. how the hell am i going to keep up with a 10 year old ?? i really should be going to the gym more, get myself prepared, get fit and ready.

only 28 million? money well spent, in my opinion. i mean, it's not like that money could be used elsewhere as everything else is working perfectly well ......