Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

In a move to help smokers kick the habit, car owners will be charged 600 to fit a black box for the pay-as-you-drive pricing system; they will then be charged an extortionate fee for driving to the local corner shop to buy a packet of fags, which they will no longer be able to afford by the time they get there. Crafty innit?

Heres one to make your head spin.
I have a private office at home (as many do) which is tax deductable.
I own my own car which I hire to my company for business purposes (as a tax break).
Both are therefore officially places of work and I am advised this makes it illegal, from July, to smoke in my own home and car.
I would love to see some jumped up little prick from the council try to enforce that baby without getting an umbrella up his arse and forcibly opened.

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.

In a School science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol --- dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.
The third worm in sperm --- dead.
The fourth worm in soil --- alive.

So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment."

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

If there is a smoking section in a restaurant, should there be a peeing section in a swimming pool?

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

I have every sympathy with the American who was so horrified by what he had read of the effects of smoking that he gave up reading. -- Henry G. Strauss, 1892-1974

Funny thing is, Kim, the American Surgeon general issued a report on the health effects of passive smoking which concluded there is no risk to others health!!! Indeed, eating lettuce has a higher risk of causing ill health than habitually sitting in a room full of smokers!!
This is the report the entire western world has used to justify a ban on smoking.
There was a very good programme on it by Penn & Teller, that was very worth watching.
Alan

Would you go along with this Alan?:-

"It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics."
~~ Fletcher Knebel, Reader's Digest, December 1961.

Or this?:-

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
~~ Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal
anti-smoking campaign. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I could see my way clear to agreeing with them both, but 89.7% of statistics are made up on the spot.

89.7% of the world population spend 89.7% of their time reading stastics. Yea, ok I just made that up. Statistics leave me cold, they may suit a purpose but should we always believe them? Statistically speaking I should have been dead and buried at least 30 years ago!

Have you ever tried to give up smoking Alan? Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your cigarettes!

Just to show how useless statistics are, you are statistically more likely to be killed by an asteroid than a lightening strike, though no-one ever has been, but you are more likely to be badly injured by your nightwear than either.
Marvellous way to avoid a real job, being a statistician.
BTW. Work is 3 times as dangerous as warfare, according to statisticians.
Three times as many people die from work related accidents and diseases every year than do through acts of violence in an armed conflict.
Amazing but true, so give up your job as a cost accountant and become a mercenary. Its much safer.
Alan

No danger of me being killed by my nightwear, I don't wear any; mind you, my wife nearly kills herself laughing at the sight.

The young doctor was carrying out research into Coal Miners Pneumoconiosis ("Coal Dust Disease"), which gradually destroys the lungs.

He was visiting the Miners Social Clubs, interviewing ex-miners with the disease. In any research involving the lungs it is essential to know whether the person is exposed to tobacco smoke - his own or other peoples.

"So, John, are you still smoking?"

"I am," replied John.

"Don't you know how bad smoking is for the lungs, especially for someone like you with "the dust"?"

"Certainly, doctor, but it's only smoking that keeps my wife alive!"

"How do you mean?" asked the doctor, clearly very puzzled.

"Well, if I gave up smoking I'd murder the bitch!"

Alan's post 5740
"eating lettuce has a higher risk of causing ill health than habitually sitting in a room full of smokers!!"

I have just smoked a lettuce and eaten a cigarette; I feel really, really sick. Who needs science?

I've just been barred from B&Q!!!
I was in the gardening section when this guy in an orange apron came up to me and asked me if I wanted decking. Luckily I got the first punch in.................

Funny that Alan, I was barred yesterday, this cute young lady in an orange apron walked up to me and asked if she could help; all I said was that I was looking for a screw. I still can't understand why they would want to bar me.

I hear Poland's been invaded...

We'v been on form today ,:-)