Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

I have every sympathy with the American who was so horrified by what he had read of the effects of smoking that he gave up reading. -- Henry G. Strauss, 1892-1974

Funny thing is, Kim, the American Surgeon general issued a report on the health effects of passive smoking which concluded there is no risk to others health!!! Indeed, eating lettuce has a higher risk of causing ill health than habitually sitting in a room full of smokers!!
This is the report the entire western world has used to justify a ban on smoking.
There was a very good programme on it by Penn & Teller, that was very worth watching.
Alan

Would you go along with this Alan?:-

"It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics."
~~ Fletcher Knebel, Reader's Digest, December 1961.

Or this?:-

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
~~ Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal
anti-smoking campaign. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I could see my way clear to agreeing with them both, but 89.7% of statistics are made up on the spot.

89.7% of the world population spend 89.7% of their time reading stastics. Yea, ok I just made that up. Statistics leave me cold, they may suit a purpose but should we always believe them? Statistically speaking I should have been dead and buried at least 30 years ago!

Have you ever tried to give up smoking Alan? Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can't find your cigarettes!

Just to show how useless statistics are, you are statistically more likely to be killed by an asteroid than a lightening strike, though no-one ever has been, but you are more likely to be badly injured by your nightwear than either.
Marvellous way to avoid a real job, being a statistician.
BTW. Work is 3 times as dangerous as warfare, according to statisticians.
Three times as many people die from work related accidents and diseases every year than do through acts of violence in an armed conflict.
Amazing but true, so give up your job as a cost accountant and become a mercenary. Its much safer.
Alan

No danger of me being killed by my nightwear, I don't wear any; mind you, my wife nearly kills herself laughing at the sight.

The young doctor was carrying out research into Coal Miners Pneumoconiosis ("Coal Dust Disease"), which gradually destroys the lungs.

He was visiting the Miners Social Clubs, interviewing ex-miners with the disease. In any research involving the lungs it is essential to know whether the person is exposed to tobacco smoke - his own or other peoples.

"So, John, are you still smoking?"

"I am," replied John.

"Don't you know how bad smoking is for the lungs, especially for someone like you with "the dust"?"

"Certainly, doctor, but it's only smoking that keeps my wife alive!"

"How do you mean?" asked the doctor, clearly very puzzled.

"Well, if I gave up smoking I'd murder the bitch!"

Alan's post 5740
"eating lettuce has a higher risk of causing ill health than habitually sitting in a room full of smokers!!"

I have just smoked a lettuce and eaten a cigarette; I feel really, really sick. Who needs science?

I've just been barred from B&Q!!!
I was in the gardening section when this guy in an orange apron came up to me and asked me if I wanted decking. Luckily I got the first punch in.................

Funny that Alan, I was barred yesterday, this cute young lady in an orange apron walked up to me and asked if she could help; all I said was that I was looking for a screw. I still can't understand why they would want to bar me.

I hear Poland's been invaded...

We'v been on form today ,:-)

Poland's been invaded? By B&Q maybe? Did Ellen MacArthur lead the invasion on her yacht? Oh just ignore me, I have drunk far too much; I have the feeling I will be talking to Huey and Rolph on the big white telephone any minute now.

A friend of mine has asked me to join a 10km sponsored run. i told him to sod off and he said "come on. its for the local elderley".
I thought, go on then. I could win this.................

The songwriter Ray Evans died last week, one of his greatest songs, and one of the greatest of all time IMO was Mona Lisa, especially sung by Nat King Cole: a line or two from the song:-

"Many dreams have been brought to your doorstep,
they just lie there,
and then they die there"......................................................it could have been written for my share portfolio.

well, you know what they say ..... que sera , sera .

Can someone please explain why potato mashers are always designed to be exactly 2mm wider than your kitchen drawer is deep?