Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

The young doctor was carrying out research into Coal Miners Pneumoconiosis ("Coal Dust Disease"), which gradually destroys the lungs.

He was visiting the Miners Social Clubs, interviewing ex-miners with the disease. In any research involving the lungs it is essential to know whether the person is exposed to tobacco smoke - his own or other peoples.

"So, John, are you still smoking?"

"I am," replied John.

"Don't you know how bad smoking is for the lungs, especially for someone like you with "the dust"?"

"Certainly, doctor, but it's only smoking that keeps my wife alive!"

"How do you mean?" asked the doctor, clearly very puzzled.

"Well, if I gave up smoking I'd murder the bitch!"

Alan's post 5740
"eating lettuce has a higher risk of causing ill health than habitually sitting in a room full of smokers!!"

I have just smoked a lettuce and eaten a cigarette; I feel really, really sick. Who needs science?

I've just been barred from B&Q!!!
I was in the gardening section when this guy in an orange apron came up to me and asked me if I wanted decking. Luckily I got the first punch in.................

Funny that Alan, I was barred yesterday, this cute young lady in an orange apron walked up to me and asked if she could help; all I said was that I was looking for a screw. I still can't understand why they would want to bar me.

I hear Poland's been invaded...

We'v been on form today ,:-)

Poland's been invaded? By B&Q maybe? Did Ellen MacArthur lead the invasion on her yacht? Oh just ignore me, I have drunk far too much; I have the feeling I will be talking to Huey and Rolph on the big white telephone any minute now.

A friend of mine has asked me to join a 10km sponsored run. i told him to sod off and he said "come on. its for the local elderley".
I thought, go on then. I could win this.................

The songwriter Ray Evans died last week, one of his greatest songs, and one of the greatest of all time IMO was Mona Lisa, especially sung by Nat King Cole: a line or two from the song:-

"Many dreams have been brought to your doorstep,
they just lie there,
and then they die there"......................................................it could have been written for my share portfolio.

well, you know what they say ..... que sera , sera .

Can someone please explain why potato mashers are always designed to be exactly 2mm wider than your kitchen drawer is deep?

He got an Oscar for that as well Bosley!

My potato masher has a hook at the end of the handle for hanging from the hanging thingy in the middle of the kitchen ceiling; my potato masher is exactly 2mm longer than any of the other items hanging, all the other items just brush the top of head as I walk underneath.............

That is very good advice young ladies everywhere.

I once sat on an alligator

Did it "see you later" Alan?

It couldn't see anything. I squashed it.....................
Got a piccy of it somewhere round here.

Q: What's the difference between your mother in law and a crocodile?
A: Crocodiles are kind. They tear at your flesh and hold you under the water to drown, then they push your body under an old log to rot.

My portfolio looks like the victim of a crocodile today, soooooooo much red!

Kim
My port looks like this.