Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

So quiet on this thread!! Something to cheer everyone up.

FRIDAY FUNNY

A woman brought her very limp pet duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she put her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, ''I'm so sorry, your duck Cuddles has passed away.'
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is definately dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something. I insist that you do some more tests "
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed at the duck. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes, shook his head and barked twice.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moment later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill "1250!" she exclaimed. "1250 for christ's sake, just to tell me my duck is dead?"
The vet just shrugged, "I'm sorry lady, but if you had taken my word for it the bill would have been 20. Now of course, with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's gonna cost you 1250."

Viagra is now available in a powder form, for sprinkling in a cup of tea.
It will not help your sex life, but it will stop your biscuits from going limp and falling in.

Apparently if you snort it, you get a really stiff neck.

stops me rolling out of bed.

taking my cue from terry, spot the difference ;)

eurovision winner

classic stuff

Help Please.

Up to a few months ago I used a site for Candlestick Charts.
The site allowed you to put in any share epic and it would give you the candle of that day at close.
Unfortunately I have mislaid the site, and can't remember what it was called.
Anyone out there know of such a site.
Thanks, Greekman.

Greekman, I don't know about that site, but moneyAM's charts page allows you to display candles.

Soul Traders,

Aware, but thanks anyway.
I have actually found the site I wanted (Britishbulls), so no longer a problem. This sites worth a look.

Cheers Greek.

Apple have today announced the launch of its new product, the iTIT.
It is a music storage device within a breast implant, therefore 2 means high quality stereo sound. A spokesman for Apple said the product had taken 2 years to develop following a survey Apple did into why the sexes disliked each other. The cheif complaint from women was that men stared at their breasts rather than listening to them. Apple think this will go a long way towards harmony between the sexes.

Well back from Hols to this wet weather. Feeling down as we all tend to after hols.
But then I read the above, re Apple.
Now a smile on my face. My wife thinks it's a snigger.
A musical breast. Great idea.
Thanks Hewittalan6.

Zippy says:

Over the UNDERPASS! UNDER the OVERPASS!
AROUND the FUTURE and BEYOND REPAIR!

The RINSE CYCLE! They've all forgotten the RINSE CYCLE!!

Help.
Its happening again.
The government is (quite rightly) concerned by the amount of crime committed by children and youths. It has asked leading academics to come up with solutions to this problem, and at this point they disappeared into a parallel universe.
This educated bunch of people realised that France, Germany and Canada, among others, have lower youth offending than the UK, so they investigated why. They found that these countries have a much higher age limit for criminal consent. The much vaunted age for knowing right from wrong.
They have suggested ( and I can hardly believe I am reading this) we raise the age of criminal consent to 18. Result; Zero youth crime in the UK. For the simple reason that little johnny having a quiet evening of smashing bus windows, breaking into houses, mainlining heroin and running a knife through the ribs of rival gang members would be incapable, by virtue of being 17, of knowing he was doing wrong and therefore unable to be prosecuted.
He could go back to his state paid for flat that night to his wife and kids, collect his dole the next day and complain bitterly to the police when he finds he has had his mobile nicked by a 19 year old who will now do 5 years for burglary, but he has no responsibility for his own actions!!
I think I spot a flaw. I am no academic, having left school with half a CSE in woodwork, an "O" level in avoiding homework and a post graduate qualification in flicking girls skirts up, but I can see what is wrong here.
Once again, I have a different script to the rest of the world and I find the need to emigrate to Jupiter, or somewhere.
Alan

Alan,

Re your above post. Read same article myself. You mention emigrating to Jupiter! But it does make you think what planet these people are on.
Like you found the article hard to believe.
As is often said, You couldn't make it up.

An example of how to get crime figures down (massaging numbers).
Several years ago our Police Force decided that Burglary and Attempt Burglary figures were too high. They issued instructions that any attempt Burglary was to be recorded as Criminal Damage (a more minor crime not recorded on Government figures if damage less than 200), so if a person was disturbed at for example 3am trying to force a window it was recorded as Damage.
That years figures, obviously Attempt Burglary down.
There are many such examples of figure massaging (no not the female type).

I dispair where this country of ours is heading.
OK now I have depressed myself, have to re-read those funnies again posted a few days back, to cheer myself up.

There again several hoodies have just run past. I will see if I can catch one to give him/her a hug. That will I am sure give me the feel good factor.

What a surprise. Our rulers (MPs) have put themselves above the law by voting themselves as the only section of our society to be outside the Right To Freedom and Information act. They say it's to protect private documents.
I say and most others I am sure will agree, that the main reason is to keep secret their expense claims. To claim these expenses they are not required to produce receipt but their claims are taken on trust. Just imagine if we all tried to claim expenses on trust.
So much for democracy. Politics in this country stinks with corruption. OK we have not yet sunk to the depths that some countries political leaders have, but we are well down the slippery slow. And they wonder why turn outs on election days are so low.
Perhaps another gunpowder plot is needed, (only joking). Have to go now the thought Police are at the door.

Al, LMAO - which is better than crying as surely that's the only other thing one could do!

Never mind, we won't all die at the hands of what were formally known as criminals because according to today's Indy global warming is likely to accelerate so fast that it'll wipe most of us out within a few years anyway. Or something.

But before the waters do finally rise to cover the hills and the sun fries us all to crisps, buy GOC. 120p right now, 230 by next August. You read it here.

I am thinking of opposing Gordon Brown for leadership of the Labour party and being Prime Minister.
My manifesto is simple. I will sack every MP and leave the running of the country to the civil service, who would be directed on policy every week by a random bloke from a country pub, wearing a dodgy cardigan.
He could visit Whitehall once a week and answer the issues.
Should we lower the age of criminal consent? NO
Are there enough toll roads? YES
Release loads of prisoners early? NO
Force NHS managers into Siberian salt mines? YES
Then he can waddle off back to his boozer, knowing the country was going where the vast majority of the citizens wanted it to go and we would save 650 salaries and inflated expenses claims.
In short my manifesto is for an end to committees and cabinets.
One reasonable bloke with a hint of common sense. A single visionary mind gave us things like the Mini, relativity, the 1812 overture and a welfare state.
Committees gave us the CSA, congestion charging and Birmingham.
I have only one proposal for a law. That if anyone makes a suggestion like the one about lowering the age of criminal consent, we have the right to insert a garden strimmer in their underpants.
And switch it on.

Alan,

Go for it man. You have my vote.
The problem you will have is you speak sense, so no change of winning. The establishment won't let you.

Democracy rules OK.

Good grief, its started!!
I know this is turning into a personal rant but.............
Next time you see a large number of hooded youths liberally applying spraypaint to anything that doesn't move and mugging anything that does you must not call them "a gang".
Our lentil eating betters in the PC brigade have told us that this may offend the poor little sensitive things. (This is true, please see todays news)
The search is now on for a new collective noun for them. The same bearded an be-sandalled PC types have told us that "group" is acceptable. My suggestions include; A misery of Hoodies An Illiteracy of Hoodies A Want of intelligence A Criminality of Youths
I would be interested to hear the thoughts of the intellectually superior PC mob on my suggestions, and any more appropriate collective nouns you lot can think of.

On the subject of the PC lot. Have you ever noticed how the anti-fur brigade are happy to throw paint over young ladies in fur coats, but inexplicably forget to do the same to gangs of Hells Angels in leather and fur? Strange.
Alan

Alan,

There are so many corrupt practices in politics that if you want to vote for a democratic party, you have a problem. There isn't one!
There is corruption wherever you look.
Taking your views above seriously, re the Political Correct Brigade.(And yes I do believe it).
If you are thinking of standing as a future MP you will need a fund raiser.
If you wish you can retain my services.
If you are interested please contact me at Aluvinghoodydogoodingliberalite@hotmail.con or send an open cheque to
D P..........
Fantasy Cottage,
Head in Clouds Lane,
Land Of Nod,
East Yorks.
RU2B DIM

Trust me I used to be in finance, and insurance. I'm also a Fairly Straight Sort Of Guy.(apologies to Tony Blair re copyright).

Q What would you call your new party?