Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Jeez, what about the midsummer weather????
The locals around here are tipping a plaugue of locusts for next week, followed by boils in early July.

Did you ever have a dream that was so real you thought it was real?
I did. Last night. I dreamt I was living in a place where people could make their own choices, providing it was sensible and reasonable, and the government would only interfere when it became a menace to others. They would intervene with tact, and well thought out policies that had a worth beyond newspaper headlines and appeasing net-curtain twitchers in mock tudor houses.
How wrong I was.
I was awoken from this Utopian idyll by two more of those news items that make you realise our economy was once a manufacturing economy, then a service economy and has now bottomed out as an economy based on surveys, studys and claptrap.
Lets make 2 things clear. Drunken drivers and child beaters should be tied naked in a desert and....................fill in the rest yourselves. It wouldn't be half as bad as the punishment I would give them.
But how about the latest codswallop from "Nanny UK".
It is time to revisit the legislation from only 3 years ago to see if we should take the reasonable chastisement part out of the childrens act, apparantly. Despite the fact that a survey showed 90% of the UK think a clip round the lughole is fine and might save us from a hoodie of the future, the net-curtain twitchers who know best are calling (again) for an outright ban.
Fine. As a father of 3 I will succumb to the rule of law, but never EVER try to make me responsible for the actions of my kids, because if I have no say in how they are raised and disciplined, then I cannot be responsible when they start smashing up a bus shelter for the hell of it.
And drink driving. We have the third safest roads in Europe. Behind Sweden and somewhere else I cannot recall. This is not good enough. There are a staggering 300+ injuries a year from accidents involving vehicles and alcohol.
Leap of logic time, guys. Lets lower the limit for alcohol to match the lowest in Europe. seems fine, but if you examine the figures, alcohol and vehicle related very often means a drunken pedestrian falling in front of the taxi that is trying to take him home!!
Please also bear in mind that the lower drink drive limits in Europe are often tiered. A small fine at X milligrammes, a bigger one at Y, and a ban at Z. Z being much higher than our limit. If you really want to reduce accidents start by looking at a much too easy driving test and 83 year olds driving so close to the windscreen their chests develop a groove for the steering wheel.
Seriously. I am 40 and I know that a 25 year old with a pint of Stella swilling around in him has better judgement than me and reaction times about 10 times faster, even if I am stone cold sober.
Sorry to be so long winded about it all, but this thread is to get things off your chest, and I needed the therapy, but when, next Christmas (Or Winterfest if the idiots get their way) you receive two life sentences, one for driving after a spoonfull of Aunt Gerts sherry trifle and one for giving your 12 year old a clip around the ear for setting fire to Uncle Freds greenhouse, don't say I didn't warn you.

Wmbledon , the championships are warming up fantastic ..

missed you, jimmy ;)

Those pictures provide me with great inspiration to work hard on my backhand volley, and a cue for a joke about "love - deuce", but now you know the punchline you can make the rest up yourselves.
New balls please.

If only my share portfolio was in as good a shape as Maria!!!!. Some hope.

I could make comments such as, "closing my shorts, going long, raising my game" etc, but as this is a family show I won't.

Seriously, I have always thought, What a gorgeous girl!

How you doing chaps ,missed you as well bos.

Wimbledon have got it all wrong.
The crowd want a spectacle. This is England so Wimbledon fortnight being bang in the middle of summer means its bound to rain heavily. And what do the organisers do?? Abandon play!!!
What they should do is schedule the ladies doubles matches to take place during heavy rain. After all, the tennis from them is crap, so no-one would see a significant reduction in quality. Furthermore, I think attendances would rise, to see 4 ladies slithering around a muddy court in waspishly thin and small tennis outfits, falling and sliding , writhing around the ground, their garments clinging with the wet.
Take a moment to think about that and then tell me you would rather have Cliff Richard singing a 40 year old song badly, with no musical accompaniment.
Thought so.
Alan

You were getting yourself in to quite a frenzy towards the end of that Al !!!! , however what a great idea,i think viewing figures would go through the roof.

"i think viewing figures would go through the roof." If they put a roof on Jimmy, they'll have to use hosepipes, let's hope there's no ban.

Alan,

My psychoanalyst says if I have any sort of problem keeping control, I should analyze my thoughts by putting them down on paper, and that his method would work and keep me sane. So here goes.

If the good angel was sitting on my left shoulder, talking to the good pure side of my brain, and you were the devil were sitting on the other, putting those unclean, impure thoughts into the evil side of my brain,I am 100% certain the good angel would prevail.
My will power is so strong, I am now going to drool, sorry I mean look at those pictures again, to test myself.
OK after 5 mins still feel fairly strong. 10 mins, still calm, but getting a bit hot.
15 mins, sweating slightly, but still having pure thoughts, sort of.
Becoming very difficult to keep these pictures, from becoming, wet T shirt, mud splattered pure none tennis playing sex goddess.
Becoming confused now, the NIKE logo keeps going fuzzy, and is beginning to read Waspish.
Streaming, (no not a level 2 term, you sad lot) now time for a cold shower.
Shower, mud, clinging.
What have you done to me. Must go now. At my age, this is not doing me any good at all. Time for a lie down.
Bloody psychoanalyst, waste of money

There you go greekman no need to think about it anymore.

Jimmy,

The thought Police have just paid me a visit. They are on route to you.
I think they want more pictures.

Jimmy,

The thought Police have just paid me a visit. They are on route to you.
I think they want more pictures.

Is your hand a bit shaky Greek? ;o)

My whole body is shaky.

A real Balls up...........
As the country prepares for 2012, and the greatest sporting event in the world, politicians and leaders are talking of how we can ensure we put up a great show, both on the field and off it. Except Ed Balls.
The aptly named schools minister has decided that what our children and teens really need in their PE lessons at school is tuition in how to lose gracefully.
My bone idle daughter is delighted cos her grades will go up, but what on Earth is Mr Balls next idea??? Teaching bad spelling in English, or how not to add up in Maths?
I am a huge fan of surreal comedy, but some of the stuff that comes from real life cannot be touched by even the greatest surrealists.
Alan

Alan,

Fully agree, no competition in schools, so no one ready to face the real world. No wonder there are so many stress councilors.
Several years ago I failed an examination for promotion. When I went for a consultation I was told, Don't look at this as a failure, as you have not failed. So I said, so I really passed then . The reply was, no you did not succeed which is not the same as failing, no one is a failure. I asked him to explain the difference. He waffled on about all sorts of psycho rubbish. I ended up calling him an idiot and walked out. I never did get that promotion. There is not much more to be said.

Count Dracula is on the pull in Glasgow. He spends the night drinking Bloody Mary's in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks.

He's heading for home, along Argyle Street sometime before dawn.

Suddenly he's hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmmm, he thinks. What's going on here?

A few yards further on and........BANG. Smacked on the back of the head again! He whirls round as quick as he can - nothing. Again he looks down and there's a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd!

A few more yards further along the street and........crash. Smacked on the back of the head yet again! He whirls round as quick as he can - nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he
looks down and there's a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing.

He walks a few yards further along again when he gets a tap on the shoulder. With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickled onion.

On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female. With his dying breath he gasps, "Who the hell are you?"


Wait for it...


Are you ready?...


Brace yourself...


This'll make your day...




... "BUFFET, the vampire slayer."