Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Al you'v got to stop dropping those acid tabs at the weekend !!!!

Kim,

Catching a jumbo to buy a bag of sugar quite appeals. A weekly shop in the Grenadines - why not? Inflation might rise a bit, though, with the cost of the weekly shop rising aound 2000%.

If it saves the planet, though, bugger the cost I say. Lets go for it!

Who needs a Green Party etc? between us we can save the planet, no problem!

does it need saving? i went on holiday a few times this year and i have to say , it looked pretty good from up in the sky. ;) also, at this cold time of year , i always think that those trails of smoke the planes leave behind look very nice.

Hi all and bos.

Polar Bears

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDIP71Lviys

6240 and 6244 - so true and hilarious at the same time. I can't see what the problem is now. Off out to get some smaller shoes and a bigger car.

They're vapour trails , Bos, not smoke. If it were smoke there would be far more plane crashes than we're led to believe there are. Or is this yet another government plot to keep down unemployment figures?

Interestingly, water vapour is by far the biggest greenhouse gas - it accounts for something over 90% of the greenhouse effect on the planet. Even more interestingly, something like 99% of it is caused naturally - not by man.

For some reason the media never mention that.

I'm going to ask Trevor about that, Oblo.
It might be a government plot, and Trev would know, cos he told me that the film "Men in Black" started as a training documentary for the government, but the script was nicked and they had to hush it up.
He gets all the secrets on account of him once working for the council.
Let you know after I've got him a pint or two, down at the pub.
Alan

It surprises me that it was nicked from the government, Alan.

I'd have thought their security was far too good to allow any
important info to be nicked or lost. It would never happen.

Fully agree re 6240 and 6244 - so true and hilarious at the same time.

I am so fed up with politics, I was thinking of standing myself as an independent, but have since reading some of Alans thoughts for the planet changed my mind. If Alan can come out with a sensible manifesto (no forget that, just format one in the same 'Monster Raving Loony Party' style as his last few posts he has my vote for PM.
How about a Vote for Alan campaign, if screaming lord Such can do it (form a party) so can he.

Note to Alan....No it's not a bring your own type party (unless you have a spare bird), it's one like the labour/conservatives/liberals have....Just in case you got confused as I appreciate your brain wiring mechanism is a bit off route sometimes. No offence.

Trevs a genius!!
He told me that of course its all hushed up. You just need to know where to look cos governments are crap at hiding things.
He told me about this bloke in Dallas called JFK that was killed. I said he wasn't killed cos he woke up in the shower in the next episode and it was all a dream, but he said no, it was real and the police said he was killed by these three blokes called Lee, Harvey and Oswald, but somehow they let slip the guy they arrested was called Patsy, which was a funny name for a man.
Anyway, when they cut open that JFK bloke, who was named after an airport or something, they said the bullet came from Rick O'Shea, so it was probably the IRA.
Trevor told me they even have government departments to start the cover ups. I asked him which one and he said he was trying to find out, but it was difficult cos none of the departments called themselves by their real name. I didn't understand this so he got the phone book from Sandra behind the bar and showed me. He rang something called the Information Commissioner and asked if he could have information on the last bus home and this stroppy bird told him to ring the bus company.
See, he said, they don't even have simple information. Anyone in here could have told me that, but they don't know.
He was pleased with himself, but I wasn't sure. He proved it even more when he showed me the phone book address for the Foreign Office. It was in London. It wasn't foreign at all!!
Thats when i had my brainwave. All we needed to do was look for the governments ministry of not starting rumours. Trevor said that wouldn't help, cos the government are clever and call some departments by the right names to keep us on our toes. Look he said. He showed me an eviction notice from his council flat that had come from the Home office. See. My Home and a letter from the office just for homes.
This was confusing so when I asked for a drink from Sandra the Landlady, she said lots of things were wrongly named. I asked her what else was. She pointed to an old crisp box behind the bar that had "Lost Property" writen on it. None of thats lost, she said. Its all been found, we just don't know who it belongs to.
It was all starting to make sense, and light dawned on me.
So, said I, thats why you call yourself a feminist even though you've got hairy legs, a beard and tattoos, and aren't very feminine at all.
Don't remember much after that but I've got a hell of a headache this morning so it must have been a good night.
Alan

:oD

They just keep getting better don't they?! How am I supposed to get any work done when I'm continually pi**ing myself laughing?>?!!

Kim,

P**s gives off amonia which is contributing to that big hole in the ozone layer, so bl**dy well stop it.

Sorry, legs firmly crossed now so a very small patch of ozone above north Wales is safe for the time being.

I see word got out about Trevors Woolworths tip.
Up 2% today. Must be all those brollies being stockpiled.

Greek,
I talked to trev about standing for government. he told me he knew all about it because he had been a member of the local Conservative Club. I was amazed he was a tory, but he told me he wasn't, it was just the beer was cheaper than the local WMC, and they had a snooker table without beer stains on it.
It didn't last long due to a fracas he was involved in when the club were watching a Margaret Thatcher documentary when the footy was on the other channel.
Anyway, he said he a free spirit like him couldn't belong to an organised political party. I asked if that meant he was a Liberal Democrat, and he said no. He was a neo-communist revolutionary.
What, says I, like Lenin and Marx.
No said Trevor, cos frankly they were good in the 60's but crap after they left the Beatles, and one of 'em was dead anyway. So I suggested Castro, but Trevor only smokes roll ups, so that won't work either.
He told me he was a one man Anarcho-Syndicate who was going to get the pheasants to rise up and otherthrow the Borejoysee, whoever they are. Sandra asked him what that meant and did he know she has a back room for hire if he needed a party conference.
I'm going to get the downtrodden masses to seize the means of production, says Trevor. We thought he meant like when he nicked the microwave from the transport cafe on the corner. No he said. All businesses will be taken from the capitalist running dogs that own them and given to the workers.
Hows that work with my Pub, asked Sandra cos theres only me and my girlfriend that works here and we own it already. There might be a bit of part time work for someone over christmas but thats all.
Trevor explained he meant workers in the wider sense, like everyone who drinks there. I had to point out Trevor didn't work since he found he could fake sciatica and get a few bob from the state, so he wouldn't own it. In his new world everyone would have meaningful work he said, so everyone would own it.
Whos gonna pay for the beer then, asked Sandra, who was worried about her livelihood.
Look said Trev. its simple. Everyone owns everything and everyone pays a fair price for the things they need. Sandra brightened up cos Trevor hadn't paid his slate in weeks, and she said so.
Trev moved on to safer ground. Look he said, I'm going to get everyone together and have a coup. Now we were really confused cos he said he was one man and we didn't know what a coup was. Is that some kind of Scottish cow?
NO. We will take over the government offices, schools, libraries and stuff and get the people on our side by owning the means of education and law. Itold him he might be better off taking over the pubs and shops cos people are happy to wait to learn something but generally want their food and drink within a couple of hours.
So you see, Trevs working on it already, but its much more complicated this polititioning business than I thought.
I thought you just talked crap and collected the brown envelopes stuffed full of cash. Every government I can remember did that.

By the way. Stop me when you're bored...............
:-)
Alan

Alan,

You carry on. Any idea's for solving the Northern Rock problem. (Thought to self...Wonder if I will regret asking!).

Greek,
we discussed that weeks ago!!
I was having half of bitter and a tray of Whelks, when Trev came in with his arm in a sling, a black eye and a nose so badly deformed it looked like he was trying to see up his own nostril.
He told me he had been unlucky in a card game, he'd been dealt 4 aces. I thought that was lucky, but he said not in Knuckle Petes poker school, when Pete knows he didn't deal them to you.
Anyway, cos of this he said he was temporarily embarassed, and could I sub him a pint, on account of Sandra getting shirty about his tab.
As we sat drinking he said he felt just like a microcosmic Northern rock. He said it was worse than that cos he was worried about the money he owed the rock on an overdraft he had in the name of his dog, who collected the housing benefit as trev's landlord. Trev thought the rock might send the bailiffs to his dog cos they were short of a bob or two and needed some money pronto.
So he'd written to the Chief effluent officer, Adams Apple. He made two suggestions to him. Firstly either get down to the social and tell 'em your cookers gone up in smoke and they'll lend you 300 to get a new one or get heavy with a few overdrafts to have your money back (But not that in the name of Rex Rover). problem solved. I pointed out they might need a bit more than 300, and he said so did he or Knuckle Pete was going to get dead sarcastic with him and tell him about a very short and painful future.
Thats when his inspiration struck him on how he could solve the rocks problem, and his, in one go. He tore a beer mat in half and nicked a pen from the bar top, and wrote another letter to Adams Apple.
I reproduce it below;
Dear Mr Apple,
Glad to see you took my advice and went to the government for a few quid to tide you over. Might have known a nob like you would get a better department than the social, but the theorys the same.
Anyway, my mate Al says you might need a bit more than 300, so heres what you do. Ring this bloke I know called Wholesale Manny, cos hes got loads of this dodgy perfume that stains your clothes, but it looks and smells real and he'll give you a good deal on 300 worth. I bought some off him last year and made 70 on Leeds market. You'll easily double your money, and the taxman doesn't need to know. I'll come down and keep an eye open for the coppers as long as you sell a bit for me and keep knuckle Pete off my back.
In fact you could make more if you flog it out of your shops instead of the market.
If perfume isn't your bag, then for 50 Bosnian Mick will tell you the name of the horse he's nobbled and you can make alot of money on that one too.
Before you know it the 300 will be over 1000. Sorted.
If you want the phone numbers for these guys, ring me at The Kebab & Calculator pub, cos I'm cut off at home. Cos your skint, my commission for this info will only be that you forget about the overdraft in the name of Rex Rover.
Keep smiling, cos if it all goes tits up I'll help you apply for the social and me and Al will have a pint with you.
Yours, trevor.

Problem was trev didn't have a stamp, so he wrote Cash on Delivery on the envelope and I'm not sure if the Rock would have any money to nip to the post office and collect it.

I dont see Northern Rock as a problem - I've got nothing invested with them. What about the Stanelco problem? Dont see Gordon (Bennet) Brown doing much about that, yet he's spent something like �1800 for every person in the country trying to save Northen Rock! Why should I pay to compensate others investors losses? Let it go bust, I say.

Its mainly northerners money, anyway - I'm a southerner, why should I care?