Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

I dont see Northern Rock as a problem - I've got nothing invested with them. What about the Stanelco problem? Dont see Gordon (Bennet) Brown doing much about that, yet he's spent something like �1800 for every person in the country trying to save Northen Rock! Why should I pay to compensate others investors losses? Let it go bust, I say.

Its mainly northerners money, anyway - I'm a southerner, why should I care?

Bumped into Trev last night, sat in the smoking shelter outside the Kebab & calculator, making rollups from other peoples butt ends, and having a pint. He looked morose.
He told me he'd been to the doctors to get his incapacity benefit signed off and he'd had a medical. The doc told him to stop drinking, smoking and eating fried food and take more exercise, else he'd die early.
trev said he didn't want to be late, early.
Anyway, he said he was contemplating his immortal soul, the nature of life, and who he could get to buy him his next drink. He'd been looking at religion, to get a bit of polish on his soul before he had to explain that episode with the sheep at the boys brigade camp to God.
He went from the surgery to the library and made a short list of religions, cos he says they can't all be right and he wants to back the right horse.
He read about Methodists as far as it said they will abstain from all sorts and he decided his doctor must be a methodist, and it wasn't a religion for him. He wanted one a bit more easy going.
He had a look at judaism, but all he could find was this wall that wails all the time cos of people banging their heads against it, and a bit about not eating bacon, so that one went as well. Trevs diet is mainly pork scratchings from behind the bar.
Getting nowhere he headed for the vicarage to ask the vicar what he believed in. The vicar told him an all loving God, who gave us Jesus, to suffer for us all.
Trevor thought about this, but asked about his feet. Jesus can't be that good at his job then cos these feet give me hell in winter. He didn't take my suffering, and if God loves me that much how come I've got these feet?
The vicar explained that it is not for us to know Gods reasons and plans, so Trev asked what the vicar did on Sunday mornings then if he didn't know what God wanted.
We talk about how to live good lives. This didn't impress Trev, who'd heard that one from the local coppers when he got caught shoplifting, so he asked what else.
We sing and pray and eat bread and drink wine. This sounded better, but he couldn't do with the living good lives bit, so he said he'd love to do all that but his feet wouldn't get him to church. Not on a Sunday morning when Saturday night was happy hour at the local, and his feet were Gods fault so could he do the good bits at home?
The vicar told him God was everywhere and heard all prayers, so Trev asked if he could have a fiver to buy a glass of wine and a bacon Butty from the bar when he did pray. So's he could do it right, and the vicar said No. Trev decided Christianity wasn't his bag either.
Trev got on the phone to Father O'Driscoll at St Marys to ask about his take and was disappointed to find it was worse than the vicars. You still got bread and wine but you had to be certified to get it and Trevor wasn't sure about a religion where you had to be insane to join. He wanted a second opinion and asked if he could talk to Mrs O'Driscoll. The father explained that he was a halibut or something cos the Pope said Catholics should eschew women. Trevor thought this sounded mucky and he'd never met a woman who'd let him get close enough to do anything like that.
The Pope? said Trevor. Isn't he that dozy fart in Rome who says everyone should have lots of babies. The door slammed in his face.
Trev, I said, you shouldn't say that. you know father O'Driscoll is Catholic.
I knew that said Trev. I just didn't know the Pope was.
Anyway, Mrs Arbuttle, who cleans the privvys at the pub, said he ought to talk to the Jehovahs Witnesses, cos they do home visits.
They came to see him and he asked 'em searching questions about their attitude to beer, cigs and women. they said all in moderation and thats fine with Trev cos he can never afford excess. He didn't have to go anywhere really they said, they could come to him, but there was no wine and sandwhiches. Still nothings perfect.
Then they gave him a magazine with stories in it like, "I was a methodist cat burglar". Trev was dead happy with this one, and was about to ask if he had to sign anything when they said he had to go out with them from door to door teaching people. Trev asked if they told the revenue about this or could he be paid cash on the side. They said he didn't get paid, so he booted 'em out. Trev was worried that if the social saw him they might stop his incapacity and make him work as a postman.
So what you gonna do, trev? I asked.
Dunno, said Trev. I was thinking of starting my own religion. A kind of pick n mix of the others. You know, free wine and sandwhiches seem a good idea, though I might make it a buffet, and a God that kind of likes people a bit, but doesn't worry too much about feet.
He said he was off home to apply to the lottery for a grant to build a church and put a bar in it.

Alan - post 6240 is brilliant. I'm sure I've said it before, but here it is again: Alan Hewitt for President!

Actually, having read all of your subsequent posts (and they're getting longer, by the way!), I'm convinced you should follow your true vocation and writing a column in a newspaper.

Hi Bos - good to see you too. Yes, I am still around, but not as much as before. Most of my brilliant insights are going into the QTI thread :o)

Thank you for those kind words ST.
Trevor is actually an amalgamation of 2 real people. Funnily enough, his observations always make me see things how they really are and not as the PR and marketing guys want me to.
I just put on here a kind of humorised version of his world view, and enjoy doing so.
Bt if there are any news editors on here who want a trevor column, please contact me!! I could do with the extra few quid. ;-)
Alan

Well looking forward to a traditional British Xmas period which has already started.
Last night had some carol singers. A bit different from the usual, still only sang 3 lines all out of tune, but in Polish, mind you I did give them a couple of quid when they offered to mend my leaking tap and pick my few remaining lettuces. In the afternoon went to the local primary school to see the nativity (with a different slant) where the cast consisted of Joseph (Mohamed), Mary (Abid) and baby Jesus (Hasan).
The rest of the cast spoke 11 different languages, but as a stage hand held up cards with subtitles on it, it was OK. (English was the 5th one down), although I later heard the script prompter was later found gibbering to herself in a completely unrecognized tongue (It sounded a lot like Geordie to me) and is now receiving professional help.
At the interval we had mulled kaliba made from, spices and, fruit (mulled wine was out) and a burger with some sort of meat (obviously pork was out and as a Hindu family were there so was beef), but suspiciously we were informed that the baby lamb in the stable in act one had ran off and we had to except a different one that looked suspiciously like the headmasters (Ali) Labrador wearing a sheepskin (good job that the only Korean family present were vegetarians).
As the play reached its climax (Mary dropped the baby Jesus, and was about to stand trial for child abuse) I stood up to applaud, the Teddy Bear that I had won in the church tombola fell out from under my coat and rolled under my seat. God knows (or should that be Mohamed) what would have happened if they had seen it. They might have thought I was trying to be funny.

On returning home a couple were waiting outside my house protesting that the Santa figure in my garden had offended their fat (sorry bodily challenged teenager) who had run home crying and is now receiving counseling.
Oh well never mind at least I can look forward to the midnight mass (at 4pm) on Xmas Eve.
Bah bl**dy humbug, and a merry occasion (ops nearly wished you all a Merry Xmas) to all. Have a good one.

Thats the style, Greek!!!!
A proper British Christmas. Brought a lump to my throat.
Glad to see your local primary has a nativity. Ours is advertising a "Non-mimetic play of international origin telling the story of the birth of indoctrination to a beleif system of dubious logic, scored for sitar".
The small print does say though that in order not to offend any of the local minorities (particularly those Christian types), the play will be performed behind curtains with the lights out.
Alan

Alan,

When I read your last line re...... performed behind curtains with the lights out.....I thought someone had snitched on me about my sex life.
Greek.

Woke up a bit worried this morning. I think I've made a terrible mistake with my kids. Just look at the role model I have encouraged them to look to. Santa.
I mean the guy sits on his arse for 11 months a year, probably claiming some kind of benefit, exploiting the vertically challanged with low wages and long hours.
On the environment he keeps his central heating on full and has hoards of reindeer producing masses of methane, so he can use them once a year, and then does loads of short journeys (house to house) which we are all discouraged from making.
Then to top it off, he spends a month encouraging children to sit on his knee, by offering them sweets and presents, then breaking into their bedrooms.
He ought to be on the sex offenders register, yet here I am telling my kids that this capitalist, bone idle, environment wrecking paedophile is a really nice bloke and they should learn to love him.
Anyway. A very merry Christmas to all on here.
Alan (&Trevor)

Merry Xmas from me also.

Look forward to Trev's outlook on life in 2008. Has he ever played the Stock Market? Is he really the Mr Big behind the East European sex trafficking? Merry Xmas and thanks for your postings.

Merry Christmas all and Trev, who I take it will get himself banged up for the night so's he can have a luxury Xmas dinner then sue the prison service for 10,000 when he swallows the 5p in his Xmas pud!

Merry Christmas to all from me.......

You're a fine looking lad, Jimmy!

Yep iv been dieting and working out all through December for this picture.

I am so sorry to spoil everyones new year, but I have discovered a reason to start euthanasing perfectly ordinary people.
Well, ordinary for a given value of ordinary.
Imagine the scene. You are driving through some leafy little village somewhere and you spot a car, parked slightly further from the kerb than you would expect a good driver to park.
I suppose, like me, you may tut a little and carry on. If you are a Guardian reader and a member of the local preservation society you may may write a strongly worded letter to the paper lambasting societys slapdash approach to parking and the general malaise of the country in terms of respect for others.
Thats fine. That merely marks you as a target of derision to local kids and slightly eccentric.
You may post it on an internet thread like this, that no-one reads. Again thats okay. It just means you are insane and without any kind of life whatsoever.
However if you stopped your own car, got out, inspected the rougue vehicle for the correct spacing on the number plate and an in date tax disc, you were obviously bullyed at school and have pscycopathic tendancies, and a feeling of hatred for everyone else on the planet.
If you then joined a website aimed at reporting this, complete with date, time, location and vehicle details you are dangerously psychotic, and for the safety of yourself and others you need removing from circulation.
You are a failed local councellor, and the kind of neighbour we all dread. You inspect every planning application within 20 miles and measure your neighbours grass length to ensure his lawn is never more than 1.5 cm long. You phone the police when you see a clean car during a hosepipe ban and never help yourself to toiletries in hotels. In short, you are a kind of methodist Napoleon, without the charisma and everybody hates you. And this only makes you worse.
Euthanasia is the only acceptable treatment for you, you ludicrous jumped up little turd.
This website exists, and I happened upon it this morning, while locked in mortal combat with a hangover.
It is HERE
Just one question.
Which is the most dangerous? The guy using his phone on the A40, or the Napoleon wannabe behind him taking note of his every move and writing them down so he can report it when he gets home????

just had a quick look at that site, alan. i did a search for bolton and i have to say i am gutted that i'm not on there. i mean, just how bad do you have to drive to get a mention ????


btw, happy new year.

All the best, bos.
I am thinking of an internet site to name and shame those who take up 2 spaces in supermarket car parks. That is an offence for which I would personally bring back hanging.
Alan

Seasons greetings all.
How about the fit people parking in invalid spaces and
childless people in the mother and children(cause there
is enough room to get my 4x4 in)

mac

Astonishing!

'Kev627' has snitched 275 times.


http://www.betterdrivingplease.com/passparameters.asp?Topic=NewSearch&SearchUserName=Kev627&AllTypes=true

They say (or use to)there are more out than in.
The frightening part is that there are people out there like Kev. There are people being murdered, raped, mugged etc and this guy is raging over this stuff:-

'Number plate was printed using square letters to read CAROL '

'This car followed me at nsl for approx 60 but grew impatient, overtook me and sped off into distance! '

'Driver pulled up alongside side me at roundabout and despite traffic on roundabout he pulled away and drove straight over just to avoid having to follow my minibus!'

Can anyone explain to me how Kev managed this?:-

'Overtook myself on a blind bend whilst I was at nsl '

Even Lewis Hamilton would have trouble with that manoeuver!!!