Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

The mother was to busy gossiping to her friends to look after the little one. The pub in question is called the Navigator but due to the clientel they attracted my friends have renamed it the Chavigator.

I noticed, the other day, that almost all products today come with helpline numbers. There was one on my dental floss, and I suggest that if you need to ring it, you are not quite ready to use such high tech equipment.
Today, the missus is browsing ski brochures in readiness for booking somewhere for next christmas / new year. Now I would be the first to admit how stupid I am (actually, no I wouldn't because I probably wouldn't understand the question), but the holidaymakers who use this brochure apparantly need bold type to tell them that the resort in question is in an area of steep hills.
I admit it is a couple of decades since I was last on the piste, but I am pretty certain steep hills were required for the succesful prosecution of a skiing holiday.
The memory is hazy due to altitude sickness and is nothing at all to do with cheap Austrian beer as some unkind souls who were with me at the time claim, but I do not remember any particularly flat areas of the Austrian Alps. Except the top of the hotelliers head, but thats another story.
Anyway. To the point.
Any suggestions from you lot for a good resort / hotel for a family of 5 novices to learn to fall down mountains, and catch frostbite?
Oblo, let me know where you are that week and I'll keep my 3 trainee terrorists away. ;-)))
Alan

I'm off skiing myself next week to St Anton. I'm not totally anti-kids so wouldn't advise you take them there if you want to bring them back in one piece! Not an easy resort.

My first ski trip was to Westendorf - excellent for beginners, kids and beer drinkers!
It's a high level resort so less chance of disappointment through lack of snow. Haven't been there for some time, but have heard good reports from others who have. It would be my number one choice. Not expensive.

Other good resorts for beginners/kids:-

Mayrhofen
Saalbach-Hinterglemm
Soll

or if you want France:-

Flaine
La Plagne

All reasonably priced compared with, say, Meribel, Zermatt, etc.

I'm unlikely to be in any of those resorts, so feel free to take your kids - all I ask is that you write to the local mayor to warn him you're coming.

I'd recommend you get yourself a copy of this before deciding - excellent guide to ski resorts:-

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Great-Skiing-Snowboarding-Guide-Cadogan/dp/1860113885/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1199714482&sr=8-1

p.s. Just found this on the crystal site:-

'Westendorf is a great choice for families, where children can ski from just 3yrs. The gentle nursery slopes are right beside the village, and for boarders there is an excellent snowpark.'

Cheers, Oblo.

I would have posted this on the joke page, but it is not a joke


IDIOT SIGHTING: We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a ½ horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a ¼ horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two....’

We haven't used Sears repair since.



IDIOT SIGHTING My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.'

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said “We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.



IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'



IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.



IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'





IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita ,



IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker.

She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.

‘Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'

Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.



IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.



IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'

His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'



STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE!


Another


The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.

A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.


B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.


C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.



D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.


E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.



While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New Orleans it’s amazing what you can learn with some simple division Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans. Interesting number, what does it mean?


A. Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you each get $516,528.

B. or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans, your home gets $1,329,787.

C. or, if you are a family of four, your family gets $2,066,012.

Washington , D.C .. HELLO!!! ... Are all your calculators broke

They're not idiots - they're normal Americans.

Not an idiotic sign, just an idiotic comment.

Presumably as companies have to state the obvious for those who are brain cell challenged I recently received this addition to my BUPA membership.

In addition to the 2 instances/situations where membership automatically ceases it now states, 'Membership ceases on the death of the member' (I kid you not).
As BUPA is a private health scheme I can't for the life (or should that be death) of me think why or how you would need such a scheme when you are DEAD.

I know in these days of litigation all avenues have to be covered but, talk about the bleeding obvious!

BUPA must be really stupid.
If i were collecting 100 a month from people who then expected expensive specailist healthcare when they felt unwell, my ideal customer would be a dead one. With a still running direct debit mandate, obviously.

It depends what they mean by 'member', greek. What they are probably saying is that erectile disfunction isn't included in the cover! i.e. 'Membership ceases on the death of the member'

Thanks OB, better get the missus to give it the kiss of life then. That worked last time.

We should all try and keep fit in 2008.

Urban Sprinting


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Any Hotel recommendations in Barcelona please ?

Bumped into Trev last night. He was sat so still in the corner of the bar, you needed a theodolite to check he was moving.
"What you doing, Trev"?
"Thinking".
When Trev starts thinking its best just to watch, cos he's really clever. A couple of years ago he was forced by the dole to get a job, so he became self employed as an author. He told me he wrote a book full of words that mean the same as other words. I told him there was one already, and he was just copying and he said it was all his own work. Then he abandoned it cos he couldn't think of another word for the title except thesaurus and that was taken already. Then he got stuck in the "s" section when he couldn't think of another word for synonym. Anyway, the DSS pulled his grant and he had to go back on the dole.
Something similar had happened again. The DSS had threatened his Giro so he had become self employed again, so he could get the grant and tax credits.
It had started when he went to the library because the newsagent stopped delivering his copy of Razzle when he didn't pay his bill. He asked the librarian for their copy and was told not to be a pervert. It was raining outside so he asked what else they had to read and the librarian told him Dickens was very good.
Being Christmas time he asked where to find the book "A Christmas Carol" and was pointed to the right shelf but all he could find by Dickens was a book called "The Complete Works" and he'd never heard of that one. He didn't even know Dickens did DIY books.
Looking along the shelves he found a book about great thinkers and thought he'd check to see if he got a mention. he didn't so he decided to put it right and went back to the job centre to register as a self employed philosopher.
"But Trev! Philosophers don't earn any money"
"Ah, not to start with, which is why the DSS give you tax credits - see. What you do is what that John Paul Satre fellow did. You hang around bars saying clever things and people buy you drinks and stuff and young wimmin come along to be impressed by your ancient wisdom and deep insight and ask you to sleep with them. I've been getting people to buy me drinks for years, though the young wimmin have been a bit thin on the ground."
Anyway, then when you get good, all the European Royals and Emporers and stuff ask you to live with them and advise them and you don't need paying then. You don't even need to be very good at it. Look at that Descartes bloke. Skulking around for years thinking and then, bang. biggest name ever in thinking circles - complete celebrity just drinking wine all day and having nubile wimmin feeding him grapes, and the best he could come up with was that saying he did. "I'm pink, therefore I'm spam""
"So what deep humanitarian problem are you thinking about now, Trev?"
I was wondering why we say we are taking a dump. We leave it where it is. Shouldn't we visit the lavvy to leave a dump? Oh and can you buy me a pint? This thinkings thirsty business and my tax credits don't start for a week".

Alan,

Beginning to think the pseudonym for Alan is Trev. Or is he the other half of your split personality. You just can't be making this all up. If so you should have a newspaper column.
Come on come clean. ARE YOU TREV?

By the way at weekends I'm Julie, so no need to be embarrassed.

You got me.
Trev is my alter ego.
Seriously, Trev is based physically on a bloke I know and mentally on that dodgy, smelly old man who hangs around all day in pubs on housing estates.
Be honest. We all know a Trev (or we do if we have ever frequented such a bar).

I think I've seen your photos in the Sunday Sport, by the way.

love the first 2 and 1/2 minutes of this. lots of wonderful euphemisms (?) .

Yes that was me (Sunday Sport).
Like you say we all know a TREV. Trevs make the world go round. No matter what is happening, good bad or indifferent they can always bring a smile, even if it's one of sympathy.

An Englishmans car broke down on a lonely Scottish glen one night in deep mid winter. With no reception on his mobile, he was left with no choice but to abandon the car and start walking, to look for a hotel or anything to shelter for the night.
An hour later and frozen to the bone, he saw a dim light in the distance. As he drew nearer, he saw the faint outline of a crofters cottage, and decided to walk there to seek help.
Banging on the door in the freezing sleet, he was gladdened to see movement within.
The door was opened by a 6'4" giant of a man. Hairy, bearded, ginger and wearing a kilt. The Englishman explained his plight and asked for use of a phone to hire a taxi to any local hotel, but the Scot wouldn't hear of it.
"Och. Ye dinnae want to be givin yer money to those places. Ye can stay here the night, and we'll sort yer car oot in the morning"
"Well thank you, sir. That is very kind of you".
"Unfortunately, ma wee friend, I have a bit of a perty here tonight, ye ken, so ye'll have to be going to ma party as weel".
"Oh, I don't mind a party. Quite good fun, I'm sure".
"Aye, but it's a scots party, ye see, so there'll be lots o' alcohol consumed".
"Well after the cold out there I'll be glad of the odd dram to keep me warm".
"Aye, but been a Scots party, there'll be lots o' dancing and carousing and the like"
"Well, I've got two left feet, but I'll give it all a go."
"An bin a Scots party, there's bound to be lots o' sex. Aye, so much sex ye'll nae be able to walk by morning"
Now the Englishman was very excited. Whiskey, dancing and lots of sex at an unexpected party - fantastic.
"I'm sure I'll be able to cope if the need arises", said the Englishman. "Who's coming to this party, then"?
"Och, it'll just be me and you".

Hands up anyone who would like one of these as a pet :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZNWEXEka60