Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

p.s. Just found this on the crystal site:-

'Westendorf is a great choice for families, where children can ski from just 3yrs. The gentle nursery slopes are right beside the village, and for boarders there is an excellent snowpark.'

Cheers, Oblo.

I would have posted this on the joke page, but it is not a joke


IDIOT SIGHTING: We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a ½ horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a ¼ horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two....’

We haven't used Sears repair since.



IDIOT SIGHTING My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.'

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said “We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.



IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'



IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.



IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'





IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita ,



IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker.

She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.

‘Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'

Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.



IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.



IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'

His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'



STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE!


Another


The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.

A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.


B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.


C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.



D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.


E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.



While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New Orleans it’s amazing what you can learn with some simple division Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans. Interesting number, what does it mean?


A. Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you each get $516,528.

B. or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans, your home gets $1,329,787.

C. or, if you are a family of four, your family gets $2,066,012.

Washington , D.C .. HELLO!!! ... Are all your calculators broke

They're not idiots - they're normal Americans.

Not an idiotic sign, just an idiotic comment.

Presumably as companies have to state the obvious for those who are brain cell challenged I recently received this addition to my BUPA membership.

In addition to the 2 instances/situations where membership automatically ceases it now states, 'Membership ceases on the death of the member' (I kid you not).
As BUPA is a private health scheme I can't for the life (or should that be death) of me think why or how you would need such a scheme when you are DEAD.

I know in these days of litigation all avenues have to be covered but, talk about the bleeding obvious!

BUPA must be really stupid.
If i were collecting 100 a month from people who then expected expensive specailist healthcare when they felt unwell, my ideal customer would be a dead one. With a still running direct debit mandate, obviously.

It depends what they mean by 'member', greek. What they are probably saying is that erectile disfunction isn't included in the cover! i.e. 'Membership ceases on the death of the member'

Thanks OB, better get the missus to give it the kiss of life then. That worked last time.

We should all try and keep fit in 2008.

Urban Sprinting


">

Any Hotel recommendations in Barcelona please ?

Bumped into Trev last night. He was sat so still in the corner of the bar, you needed a theodolite to check he was moving.
"What you doing, Trev"?
"Thinking".
When Trev starts thinking its best just to watch, cos he's really clever. A couple of years ago he was forced by the dole to get a job, so he became self employed as an author. He told me he wrote a book full of words that mean the same as other words. I told him there was one already, and he was just copying and he said it was all his own work. Then he abandoned it cos he couldn't think of another word for the title except thesaurus and that was taken already. Then he got stuck in the "s" section when he couldn't think of another word for synonym. Anyway, the DSS pulled his grant and he had to go back on the dole.
Something similar had happened again. The DSS had threatened his Giro so he had become self employed again, so he could get the grant and tax credits.
It had started when he went to the library because the newsagent stopped delivering his copy of Razzle when he didn't pay his bill. He asked the librarian for their copy and was told not to be a pervert. It was raining outside so he asked what else they had to read and the librarian told him Dickens was very good.
Being Christmas time he asked where to find the book "A Christmas Carol" and was pointed to the right shelf but all he could find by Dickens was a book called "The Complete Works" and he'd never heard of that one. He didn't even know Dickens did DIY books.
Looking along the shelves he found a book about great thinkers and thought he'd check to see if he got a mention. he didn't so he decided to put it right and went back to the job centre to register as a self employed philosopher.
"But Trev! Philosophers don't earn any money"
"Ah, not to start with, which is why the DSS give you tax credits - see. What you do is what that John Paul Satre fellow did. You hang around bars saying clever things and people buy you drinks and stuff and young wimmin come along to be impressed by your ancient wisdom and deep insight and ask you to sleep with them. I've been getting people to buy me drinks for years, though the young wimmin have been a bit thin on the ground."
Anyway, then when you get good, all the European Royals and Emporers and stuff ask you to live with them and advise them and you don't need paying then. You don't even need to be very good at it. Look at that Descartes bloke. Skulking around for years thinking and then, bang. biggest name ever in thinking circles - complete celebrity just drinking wine all day and having nubile wimmin feeding him grapes, and the best he could come up with was that saying he did. "I'm pink, therefore I'm spam""
"So what deep humanitarian problem are you thinking about now, Trev?"
I was wondering why we say we are taking a dump. We leave it where it is. Shouldn't we visit the lavvy to leave a dump? Oh and can you buy me a pint? This thinkings thirsty business and my tax credits don't start for a week".

Alan,

Beginning to think the pseudonym for Alan is Trev. Or is he the other half of your split personality. You just can't be making this all up. If so you should have a newspaper column.
Come on come clean. ARE YOU TREV?

By the way at weekends I'm Julie, so no need to be embarrassed.

You got me.
Trev is my alter ego.
Seriously, Trev is based physically on a bloke I know and mentally on that dodgy, smelly old man who hangs around all day in pubs on housing estates.
Be honest. We all know a Trev (or we do if we have ever frequented such a bar).

I think I've seen your photos in the Sunday Sport, by the way.

love the first 2 and 1/2 minutes of this. lots of wonderful euphemisms (?) .

Yes that was me (Sunday Sport).
Like you say we all know a TREV. Trevs make the world go round. No matter what is happening, good bad or indifferent they can always bring a smile, even if it's one of sympathy.

An Englishmans car broke down on a lonely Scottish glen one night in deep mid winter. With no reception on his mobile, he was left with no choice but to abandon the car and start walking, to look for a hotel or anything to shelter for the night.
An hour later and frozen to the bone, he saw a dim light in the distance. As he drew nearer, he saw the faint outline of a crofters cottage, and decided to walk there to seek help.
Banging on the door in the freezing sleet, he was gladdened to see movement within.
The door was opened by a 6'4" giant of a man. Hairy, bearded, ginger and wearing a kilt. The Englishman explained his plight and asked for use of a phone to hire a taxi to any local hotel, but the Scot wouldn't hear of it.
"Och. Ye dinnae want to be givin yer money to those places. Ye can stay here the night, and we'll sort yer car oot in the morning"
"Well thank you, sir. That is very kind of you".
"Unfortunately, ma wee friend, I have a bit of a perty here tonight, ye ken, so ye'll have to be going to ma party as weel".
"Oh, I don't mind a party. Quite good fun, I'm sure".
"Aye, but it's a scots party, ye see, so there'll be lots o' alcohol consumed".
"Well after the cold out there I'll be glad of the odd dram to keep me warm".
"Aye, but been a Scots party, there'll be lots o' dancing and carousing and the like"
"Well, I've got two left feet, but I'll give it all a go."
"An bin a Scots party, there's bound to be lots o' sex. Aye, so much sex ye'll nae be able to walk by morning"
Now the Englishman was very excited. Whiskey, dancing and lots of sex at an unexpected party - fantastic.
"I'm sure I'll be able to cope if the need arises", said the Englishman. "Who's coming to this party, then"?
"Och, it'll just be me and you".

Hands up anyone who would like one of these as a pet :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZNWEXEka60

An early contender for the 2008 "Idiot" awards;

Two men who tried to cash a dead friend's £175 welfare cheque hauled his corpse to the bank in an office chair after being told he had to be present for the transaction.

The 65-year-old men were stopped after an off-duty detective saw them wheeling the body of Virgilio Cintron along a Manhattan pavement.

Bumped into Trev at the bar last night. He was looking dead chuffed.
Apparantly his tax credit money had come through early, so he didn't have to philiosophise professionally and he could do it more as a hobby.
He'd been for a drink at "The Retarded Vole", the boozer on campus at the local university, where he expected to find more cerebal discussions and younger, more eager, young wimmin to impress.
A group of students had found him fascinating, and kept buying him beer to listen to his answers. Then one said he knew the hardest question of all. What is the sound of one hand clapping.
"Thats a tough one, Trev", said I.
"Nah. Easy." Said Trev. "it's CL. The other hand makes the AP sound. Told you this thinking was easy stuff, so I got bored when they said they'd had enough material now for their care in the community project, so I went to the Vic, where those financial blokes hang out. They looked well sick".
"Whys that, Trev?"
"Well I overheard that it was because this old lady in Threadneedle Street had too much interest".
"What in?"
"Sewing I suppose, with an address like that. They said it was a bad thing and that her Uncle Sam would sneeze, so perhaps she is addicted to snuff. Anyway they were wondering if Uncle Sam sneezed, who'd catch a cold, so he can't have a hanky. Then they said they were worried about stagflation".
"Whats that then?"
"Must be that hunting they all go off and do. Some way of blowing deer up. They all live a funny life though cos they were saying that everyone was going to lose their home and they all blamed their wives!"
"WHAT?"
"They all said it was a mess and it was all the fault of Darling. A few blamed the Bank of England, though, so I think it was something to do with money. One of them said the Chinese were owed a lot by Uncle Sam, which ticked me off cos I never get credit there on my sweet and sour order and when I ask for it they chase me out shouting some foreign heathen stuff. Anyway, if Uncle Sam doesn't pay his tab to the chinky, his neice, the old lady, will lose interest and everyone will either lose their job or start buying loads of stuff at Marks & Spencer, but it will be a lot more expensive. they were saying it could make Gordon Brown lose his job, and that flat over the shop in Downing Street, so I'm gonna write to Gordon and tell him to nationalise our local chinky and write off Uncle Sams tab. It can't be that much for a few prawn balls, and it will save his job and keep the old lady interested. I might get a knighthood, or be asked to philosophise for him as a wise man to the court, and I aint been to London since that thing at Pentonville".
I'm glad I have Trev to explain the world to me, cos I'd find it a confusing place otherwise.

Friday Funny

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans a bit, but the doctor goes on, "But it's going to be alright as we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap; it's two thousand pounds an inch".

The man perks up at this, even though its two thousand pounds an inch.

"So the thing is" the doctor says, " it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision."

So the man agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

"So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the fellow.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?", the doctor asks.

"She has," says the man.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

The man looks up with tears in his eyes and says,

"Doc, she say's that she thinks we should get a new kitchen."