Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

An Englishmans car broke down on a lonely Scottish glen one night in deep mid winter. With no reception on his mobile, he was left with no choice but to abandon the car and start walking, to look for a hotel or anything to shelter for the night.
An hour later and frozen to the bone, he saw a dim light in the distance. As he drew nearer, he saw the faint outline of a crofters cottage, and decided to walk there to seek help.
Banging on the door in the freezing sleet, he was gladdened to see movement within.
The door was opened by a 6'4" giant of a man. Hairy, bearded, ginger and wearing a kilt. The Englishman explained his plight and asked for use of a phone to hire a taxi to any local hotel, but the Scot wouldn't hear of it.
"Och. Ye dinnae want to be givin yer money to those places. Ye can stay here the night, and we'll sort yer car oot in the morning"
"Well thank you, sir. That is very kind of you".
"Unfortunately, ma wee friend, I have a bit of a perty here tonight, ye ken, so ye'll have to be going to ma party as weel".
"Oh, I don't mind a party. Quite good fun, I'm sure".
"Aye, but it's a scots party, ye see, so there'll be lots o' alcohol consumed".
"Well after the cold out there I'll be glad of the odd dram to keep me warm".
"Aye, but been a Scots party, there'll be lots o' dancing and carousing and the like"
"Well, I've got two left feet, but I'll give it all a go."
"An bin a Scots party, there's bound to be lots o' sex. Aye, so much sex ye'll nae be able to walk by morning"
Now the Englishman was very excited. Whiskey, dancing and lots of sex at an unexpected party - fantastic.
"I'm sure I'll be able to cope if the need arises", said the Englishman. "Who's coming to this party, then"?
"Och, it'll just be me and you".

Hands up anyone who would like one of these as a pet :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZNWEXEka60

An early contender for the 2008 "Idiot" awards;

Two men who tried to cash a dead friend's £175 welfare cheque hauled his corpse to the bank in an office chair after being told he had to be present for the transaction.

The 65-year-old men were stopped after an off-duty detective saw them wheeling the body of Virgilio Cintron along a Manhattan pavement.

Bumped into Trev at the bar last night. He was looking dead chuffed.
Apparantly his tax credit money had come through early, so he didn't have to philiosophise professionally and he could do it more as a hobby.
He'd been for a drink at "The Retarded Vole", the boozer on campus at the local university, where he expected to find more cerebal discussions and younger, more eager, young wimmin to impress.
A group of students had found him fascinating, and kept buying him beer to listen to his answers. Then one said he knew the hardest question of all. What is the sound of one hand clapping.
"Thats a tough one, Trev", said I.
"Nah. Easy." Said Trev. "it's CL. The other hand makes the AP sound. Told you this thinking was easy stuff, so I got bored when they said they'd had enough material now for their care in the community project, so I went to the Vic, where those financial blokes hang out. They looked well sick".
"Whys that, Trev?"
"Well I overheard that it was because this old lady in Threadneedle Street had too much interest".
"What in?"
"Sewing I suppose, with an address like that. They said it was a bad thing and that her Uncle Sam would sneeze, so perhaps she is addicted to snuff. Anyway they were wondering if Uncle Sam sneezed, who'd catch a cold, so he can't have a hanky. Then they said they were worried about stagflation".
"Whats that then?"
"Must be that hunting they all go off and do. Some way of blowing deer up. They all live a funny life though cos they were saying that everyone was going to lose their home and they all blamed their wives!"
"WHAT?"
"They all said it was a mess and it was all the fault of Darling. A few blamed the Bank of England, though, so I think it was something to do with money. One of them said the Chinese were owed a lot by Uncle Sam, which ticked me off cos I never get credit there on my sweet and sour order and when I ask for it they chase me out shouting some foreign heathen stuff. Anyway, if Uncle Sam doesn't pay his tab to the chinky, his neice, the old lady, will lose interest and everyone will either lose their job or start buying loads of stuff at Marks & Spencer, but it will be a lot more expensive. they were saying it could make Gordon Brown lose his job, and that flat over the shop in Downing Street, so I'm gonna write to Gordon and tell him to nationalise our local chinky and write off Uncle Sams tab. It can't be that much for a few prawn balls, and it will save his job and keep the old lady interested. I might get a knighthood, or be asked to philosophise for him as a wise man to the court, and I aint been to London since that thing at Pentonville".
I'm glad I have Trev to explain the world to me, cos I'd find it a confusing place otherwise.

Friday Funny

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans a bit, but the doctor goes on, "But it's going to be alright as we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap; it's two thousand pounds an inch".

The man perks up at this, even though its two thousand pounds an inch.

"So the thing is" the doctor says, " it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision."

So the man agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

"So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the fellow.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?", the doctor asks.

"She has," says the man.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

The man looks up with tears in his eyes and says,

"Doc, she say's that she thinks we should get a new kitchen."

Hi,
have a look at these greeting cards, they are so much more impressive in real life. www.keeneyephotography.co.uk
regards,
Dexter

Hi Dexter.

My Birthday is the 1st. June - send me one then and I'll take a look.

(I may get two cards this year now!!!)

Alan, next time you see Trev ask him about his thoughts on Jamie Oliver, to my mind the bloke's a genius; apparently he's invented a chicken that doesn't need batteries. Must run on solar or wind power or something like that. Anyway, I'll be interested to hear Trev's views.

Will do, Steve,
Meanwhile, is any of the readership in any way related to the advertising / marketung industry, cos I had one of those really stupid ideas, that on further examination may not be so stupid after all, and I need some industry advice as to whether it could fly or not.
Cheers guys.

Thanks Alan!

I once put an advert in the window of my local newsagent, to sell a bike - do I qualify? If you are referring to something to do with a chicken, I'm afraid it may still need batteries to fly!

Don't know if they may be able to help Alan, but my eldest daughter is a newspaper reporter, my 'middle' daughter is in PR and my youngest is a management consultant so they are all, in one way or another, connected with advertising or marketing.

Thanks for the kind offer, but I think I need a bod who knows about advertising campaigns and types.

Trev knew all about Jamie Olivers battery-less chickens.
He told me that when he was very young he had met a guy called trevor Bayliss who was working on a radio a bit like it.
Anyway, he was having problems with finding a material hard enough for the egg shells that had to be very thin and withstand the pressures of getting out of the chicken. He needed something harder than diamonds, so Trev helped him out by suggesting the weetabix residue from a breakfast bowl that has been left all day, which is the hardest substance known to man.
Trevor bayliss patented it at the same time as he did the radio and got the copyright for the copyright symbol, but he had a problem. The chicken had 14 legs and no breast. It also crapped tasteless coleslaw and had a habit of rolling round in spicy breadcrumbs and diving into a deep fat fryer, so he sold the patent to an old man from kentucky, who said it would go well with some cardboard hats he had designed.
The rest is history, with a side order of fries.
Jamie Oliver must have overcome these problems, but Trev says he is still stupid. He reasons that if a school dinner is tasty and nutritious, rather than a load of mashed up, yellow, indeterminate vegetables, then it cannot possibly be a school dinner.
From memory, he is probably right about that at least.

Hi Alan,

Ah, school dinners.

Usual Menu.

Main.

Semi mashed potatoes, (75% lumps).
Cabbage, with stringing bits, carrots with a core, peas like bullets.
Meat from a now extinct animal (as I have never had meat like it since).
Fish, the bits Birds-eye rejected from their fish fingers.
Gravy that you could use to seal a flat roof. (You needed to thin it a bit first though).

Puddings (what the hell were sweets).

Semolina, that was cheaper and better for papering walls than paste.
Sago (known as frog spawn) and according to a lad who tasted it for a dare (there's one in every school) tasted similar .
And before anyone ask's, no he didn't croak it.
Rice pudding with a crust.
Something (was never sure what) with custard or some sort of pink semi liquid on top (that's what the knife was for).

Obesity was almost unknown, as only a masochist went back for seconds.

Ah, the good old days.

Our dinnerladies had a book entitled 101 uses for mince, and good old Jamie expects them to rattle up nutrition.
Perhaps he went to Eton or Harrow, or some other esteemed establishment where the school menu included things like pate de fois gras, truffles and they called their gravy "jus" (what the hell is jus - can anyone work that out?). The sort of menu where the 17th and final course was walnuts and crusted port, and one had to slacken ones cummerbund before an afternoon of Latin and sexually abusing the juniors.
Jamie, if you're reading, kids want grease, chips and burnt crunchy bits. If you offer them pasta salads, they will bunk off to the local shopping centre and buy a big mac and a bar of chocolate. Even if the school is serving deep fried toenail clippings it is still more nutritious than a big mac.

I though a cummerbund was a type of big sausage.
Walnuts and Port, honest Alan where were you dragged up.
Everyone of breeding knows that walnuts should be accompanies by a pickled egg, pork scratchings, washed down with a cold Guinness.

Jus is a deliberate mis-spelling of Just, invented in a posh restaurant in London. The manager overheard a waiter explaining to a diner who had asked "what's this shit on my food" that it was "just gravy". After a lenghty discussion, management decided that "just gravy" sounded really bad so they instructed waiters to explain, with a French accent that it was "jus gravy" so it would sound posh. Eventually it was abbreviated simply to "jus".

Well, that's my interpretation of it anyway Alan!

Greek, we wash that lot down with a pint of Brains SA Gold!

May be interesting to see a list of the strangest meal we have eaten.

I have eaten a plate full of chicklins, brains, washed down with a pickled lizard liquor.

Pickled lizard liquor? :o( Apart from school dinners, I can only add ostrich, kangaroo, sheep's brains and the perennial frogs legs & snails Greek, although I did eat something obscure in Turkey - which nearly killed me!

In Abu Dhabi, the sandwich bars offer "Shwarmas" (sandwiches) and the list includes every kind of animal you have ever heard of. At the bottom is the cheapest sandwich, just described as "meat" so God knows whats in that, but I ate one for a dare and it wasn't too bad.

It was probably a Big Mac Alan!

Chicken brains, frogs legs? Take a look at this! Wouldn't want to wander into this restaurant without someone who speaks the language!!

"