Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Alan, next time you see Trev ask him about his thoughts on Jamie Oliver, to my mind the bloke's a genius; apparently he's invented a chicken that doesn't need batteries. Must run on solar or wind power or something like that. Anyway, I'll be interested to hear Trev's views.

Will do, Steve,
Meanwhile, is any of the readership in any way related to the advertising / marketung industry, cos I had one of those really stupid ideas, that on further examination may not be so stupid after all, and I need some industry advice as to whether it could fly or not.
Cheers guys.

Thanks Alan!

I once put an advert in the window of my local newsagent, to sell a bike - do I qualify? If you are referring to something to do with a chicken, I'm afraid it may still need batteries to fly!

Don't know if they may be able to help Alan, but my eldest daughter is a newspaper reporter, my 'middle' daughter is in PR and my youngest is a management consultant so they are all, in one way or another, connected with advertising or marketing.

Thanks for the kind offer, but I think I need a bod who knows about advertising campaigns and types.

Trev knew all about Jamie Olivers battery-less chickens.
He told me that when he was very young he had met a guy called trevor Bayliss who was working on a radio a bit like it.
Anyway, he was having problems with finding a material hard enough for the egg shells that had to be very thin and withstand the pressures of getting out of the chicken. He needed something harder than diamonds, so Trev helped him out by suggesting the weetabix residue from a breakfast bowl that has been left all day, which is the hardest substance known to man.
Trevor bayliss patented it at the same time as he did the radio and got the copyright for the copyright symbol, but he had a problem. The chicken had 14 legs and no breast. It also crapped tasteless coleslaw and had a habit of rolling round in spicy breadcrumbs and diving into a deep fat fryer, so he sold the patent to an old man from kentucky, who said it would go well with some cardboard hats he had designed.
The rest is history, with a side order of fries.
Jamie Oliver must have overcome these problems, but Trev says he is still stupid. He reasons that if a school dinner is tasty and nutritious, rather than a load of mashed up, yellow, indeterminate vegetables, then it cannot possibly be a school dinner.
From memory, he is probably right about that at least.

Hi Alan,

Ah, school dinners.

Usual Menu.

Main.

Semi mashed potatoes, (75% lumps).
Cabbage, with stringing bits, carrots with a core, peas like bullets.
Meat from a now extinct animal (as I have never had meat like it since).
Fish, the bits Birds-eye rejected from their fish fingers.
Gravy that you could use to seal a flat roof. (You needed to thin it a bit first though).

Puddings (what the hell were sweets).

Semolina, that was cheaper and better for papering walls than paste.
Sago (known as frog spawn) and according to a lad who tasted it for a dare (there's one in every school) tasted similar .
And before anyone ask's, no he didn't croak it.
Rice pudding with a crust.
Something (was never sure what) with custard or some sort of pink semi liquid on top (that's what the knife was for).

Obesity was almost unknown, as only a masochist went back for seconds.

Ah, the good old days.

Our dinnerladies had a book entitled 101 uses for mince, and good old Jamie expects them to rattle up nutrition.
Perhaps he went to Eton or Harrow, or some other esteemed establishment where the school menu included things like pate de fois gras, truffles and they called their gravy "jus" (what the hell is jus - can anyone work that out?). The sort of menu where the 17th and final course was walnuts and crusted port, and one had to slacken ones cummerbund before an afternoon of Latin and sexually abusing the juniors.
Jamie, if you're reading, kids want grease, chips and burnt crunchy bits. If you offer them pasta salads, they will bunk off to the local shopping centre and buy a big mac and a bar of chocolate. Even if the school is serving deep fried toenail clippings it is still more nutritious than a big mac.

I though a cummerbund was a type of big sausage.
Walnuts and Port, honest Alan where were you dragged up.
Everyone of breeding knows that walnuts should be accompanies by a pickled egg, pork scratchings, washed down with a cold Guinness.

Jus is a deliberate mis-spelling of Just, invented in a posh restaurant in London. The manager overheard a waiter explaining to a diner who had asked "what's this shit on my food" that it was "just gravy". After a lenghty discussion, management decided that "just gravy" sounded really bad so they instructed waiters to explain, with a French accent that it was "jus gravy" so it would sound posh. Eventually it was abbreviated simply to "jus".

Well, that's my interpretation of it anyway Alan!

Greek, we wash that lot down with a pint of Brains SA Gold!

May be interesting to see a list of the strangest meal we have eaten.

I have eaten a plate full of chicklins, brains, washed down with a pickled lizard liquor.

Pickled lizard liquor? :o( Apart from school dinners, I can only add ostrich, kangaroo, sheep's brains and the perennial frogs legs & snails Greek, although I did eat something obscure in Turkey - which nearly killed me!

In Abu Dhabi, the sandwich bars offer "Shwarmas" (sandwiches) and the list includes every kind of animal you have ever heard of. At the bottom is the cheapest sandwich, just described as "meat" so God knows whats in that, but I ate one for a dare and it wasn't too bad.

It was probably a Big Mac Alan!

Chicken brains, frogs legs? Take a look at this! Wouldn't want to wander into this restaurant without someone who speaks the language!!

"

Eeuugh! Yak's penis??!!! Is that a new style of spotted dick?

A bit hard to swallow. No I don't mean I don't believe it. If you see what I mean.

How would you like it madam, Hard or Soft? If you would like it f***skined please ask. But madam the bone has been removed.

Brings tears to ones eyes.

'it looked to me that this penis still had a bit of life in it' - as the actress said to the bishop!

In the Daily Telegraph (page 3) there is an article about a very sexy Miss Green a teacher at Stockport Grammar School who has been suspended due to a saucy advert that she appeared in a couple of years ago prior to becoming a teacher (simulating sex). The advert now appears on You Tube.

'Miss Green in sexy scruffs hardwear ad'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kv7gflu1C5o



There have been many complaints from patents, but I bet none from any male pupils.

When I attended a mixed school aged 11 to 15 we had a very sexy young teacher called Miss G*** (no names to protect the guilty).
She had a gorgeous figure and wore the skimpiest dresses in summer.
In those days when all pupils faced the front, we had a so called punishment desk that was at the front right next to the teachers desk.
None of the lads minded sitting at this desk as when Miss G leaned forward and her ample breasts rested on her desk pushing her dress outward the view down her cleavage was beautiful.
I spent many happy hours dreaming in a lost world of fantasism.
(sad I know but for a young Innocent lad of tender years without access to the x-rated stuff available now days it was bliss).
Ah the glimpse of a bare ankle (OK not quite that old).
Just before I left she married a professional footballer (they always get those sort of birds) and everything changed. Long skirts with high necklines.
The punishment desk lost it's appeal after that and for some reason behavior vastly improved.

It's like all these stories of male pupils being seduced by female teachers.
Lucky b******s.
How many of you read such stories and think, 'If Only'.
It never happened in my day. And they say modern education is not as good as it used to be.

And before anyone else thinks about it, I have already contacted Miss Green and offered her counseling.

Anyone who considers the above to be a totally sexist post.
I have no defense whatsoever.

Looks like the head of the school gave in to pressure from a few prudish parents Greek, which makes his surname very appropriate.......Chicken!! Cue fowl jokes I suppose.

I've been away for a few days, but on my return I found Trev, at the embalmers association working mens club, ruminating over a pint and a pickled egg.
He has solved another of the days great political problems, in his usual logical way. He really is destined for greatness, as soon as the masses notice him. This time he has got a solution to a national health problem that even Jamie Oliver cannot cure. Obesity.
The great expense for the NHS used to be curing liver disease and lung cancer, but that is now reduced wildly, and the issue now is predicted to be obesity. This, Trevor says, is due to a lack of fresh air and exercise, which of course, it is. And eating too much.
He has a plan to tackle this. Reduce tax on alcohol and tobacco to zero, and for those who are on the poverty level, offer cigs and beer on prescription. This would mean that the nicotine in the cigs would act as an apetite supressant, so they would eat less and because they couldn't smoke in pubs, they would spend all night walking in and out of the place to have a ciggy. Thereby ensuring plenty of exercise and fresh air, rather than sitting around all evening clogging their own arteries up.
Got to say it flies with me, and Trevor would get my vote every time with a manifesto that started with that.

Hi Alan,

Welcome back. In my experience anyone who states they have been away for a few days without expanding where, is usually hiding something, usually a short stint in prison for say none payment of fines or a visit to the sort of place where they put you for talking to yourself (or people like Trev) all the time.
Not doubting your honesty at all, so probably not prison, but when it comes to psycho analyzing your posts, well it does made me wonder.

Greek.