Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

I've been away for a few days, but on my return I found Trev, at the embalmers association working mens club, ruminating over a pint and a pickled egg.
He has solved another of the days great political problems, in his usual logical way. He really is destined for greatness, as soon as the masses notice him. This time he has got a solution to a national health problem that even Jamie Oliver cannot cure. Obesity.
The great expense for the NHS used to be curing liver disease and lung cancer, but that is now reduced wildly, and the issue now is predicted to be obesity. This, Trevor says, is due to a lack of fresh air and exercise, which of course, it is. And eating too much.
He has a plan to tackle this. Reduce tax on alcohol and tobacco to zero, and for those who are on the poverty level, offer cigs and beer on prescription. This would mean that the nicotine in the cigs would act as an apetite supressant, so they would eat less and because they couldn't smoke in pubs, they would spend all night walking in and out of the place to have a ciggy. Thereby ensuring plenty of exercise and fresh air, rather than sitting around all evening clogging their own arteries up.
Got to say it flies with me, and Trevor would get my vote every time with a manifesto that started with that.

Hi Alan,

Welcome back. In my experience anyone who states they have been away for a few days without expanding where, is usually hiding something, usually a short stint in prison for say none payment of fines or a visit to the sort of place where they put you for talking to yourself (or people like Trev) all the time.
Not doubting your honesty at all, so probably not prison, but when it comes to psycho analyzing your posts, well it does made me wonder.

Greek.

FRIDAY FUNNY

Gynecologist's Assistant Wanted...

A young man goes into the Job Centre in Cheltenham, Gloucestershire and sees a card advertising for a "Gynecologist's Assistant".

Interested, he goes to learn more. 'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job Centre chap sorts through his files & replies - 'Oh yes here it is : The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions.

You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of 55,000.

'Well' said the young man, I'm VERY interested in the job, what do I do next'?

Well sir, you're going to have to go to Manchester, that's 250 miles from here.

'Oh why's that then, is that where the job's located?'

'No sir - that's the end of the application line!'

.

just watched the sara green/scruffs video after hearing quite a ding dong on the jeremy vine radio show. It is certainly funny but I can see why the parents are upset---near the bone or what!! scruffs must be delighted with all the publicity and miss green will probably make a fortune---after she has sued for unfair dismissal!! surprised the usual wags have missed this one. lol

As you know, the world I inhabit is a surreal one, but it is as sober as a tax demand compared with the one inhabited by the liberal elite who live in the world of academia.
A book, "The 3 Little Cowboy Builders" has been nominated for an award as an educational book. It has been summarily rejected.
Is this because it is crap? It uses poor English? It is educationally suspect? Immoral?
No. It is in case it offends certain sectors of society, and their children.
Apparantly it is offensive to builders (!), and because it is based on the much loved story of the 3 little pigs, it is offensive to muslims.
I was unaware that builders could be offended, or that they were an oppressed minority. I thought the only oppressed minorities left were smokers and car drivers. And as for the Muslim angle......don't start me on that.
Logically then, the only books that can now be used in schools are......sorry I cannot think of any that will not upset somebody if we extend the principle.
My favourite book in nursery was called "Little Black Sambo". I still have it after all these years and I dare the Islington thought police to try to get it off me.
Anyway, I am away to write a book based on Lewis Carrols "Alice in Wonderland", called "Pricks in Academia", to try to upset every possible branch of loony left weird beards I can think of.
It will be about a woman with hairy legs who campaigns for the world to be rid of its nuclear arsenal, who then falls down a rabbit hole on Greenham Common, where she argues with people that wearing a badge will succeed in getting Korea to dismantle its nuclear weapons, even though the entire American 6th fleet has failed. During the argument she discovers that it is now impossible to say or do anything, because everything has been banned, so she just sits all day listening to lectures on multi-faith cohesion and joining committees to discuss the best way to reward a teenage thug for smashing up busses when he is "soberly challanged" (Mustn't upset the licensed trade).
It will be a very boring read, but the sad fact is it is not a work of fiction, more a prediction for my childrens future.

Sorry Alan, you'll have to think of something else; the book is already halfway through being written, it is my sister's (who was formerly my brother before her sex change) autobiography!

Alan , i await with interest jezzer,s response. and i don,t think it is the liberals but the labourals

Trev's out on bail.
He was telling me how he bought himself some new trousers from Scope, but the zip was broken and wouldn't pull up. He went back to the shop , wearing them, to complain and see if he could get his 2 back. It was closed though cos the old lady that runs it has a tea dance on a Wednesday afternoon.
So, he went to his favourite haunt when the weathers bad and he has no money for a half. The library.
He was leafing through an old copy of Cosmopolitan, cos he likes the underwear ads, when he was stopped dead.
"Whys that then, Trev".
"It was an article on Facebook. The woman that writes it was saying its the new sex. Well I don't get any of the old type, so I thought I'd better read up on it. Anyway, it was full of wimmin that were seeing other wimmin, and I thought it wasn't right, cos there they are, having to go with each other cos there aren't enough men around, and heres me with all the right equipment and nobody to share it with."
His eyes glazed for a moment.
"Anyway, this caused my sexuality to rise up and I was staring it straight in the face".
Sometimes I really regret having an imagination.
"I had to join this facebook thing, and help these wimmin out. I asked the librarian for a go on her internet thing so I could look at some wimmin, and she got dead stroppy, and called me a pervert, and I said, No, I just want to offer my sexual services to groups of ladies, cos their perverts."
"So, she let me go on, but said all the rude stuff was blocked, but that didn't matter cos all I was doing was reading."
"Right, the trouble started when I was looking at this bird from Seaton Carew. She had a picture of her on there from her holidays in Cleethorpes wearing her bikini, and she wasn't bad for a fat lass. But then I noticed that librarian woman, watching me closely and I remembered about my zip being stuck down. I knew what she'd think if she saw me looking at that with my zip down, so I tried to do it up. I mean, I yanked, I tugged, I pulled but the damn thing was stuck, even thiough I was pulling hard and bouncing on the chair, and my hand was hitting the desk."
"Next minute, she's over here and walloping me round the head with a copy of Great railway Journeys and I'm out like a light."
"I've been bailed to appear next week, but I'm thinking of absconding to Seaton Carew for a while, and I might ask the police for that Photo they took of me for their sex offenders register, so's I can put it on Facebook".
"What will you say in the ad?"
"I was thinking of something like, middle aged man, likes pubs and socialising, looking for wimmin that have to be with other wimmin cos they can't get a bloke. Must be preared to buy their own round".
Best of luck, trev.

Well I'll be................. I've been after a copy of 'Great railway Journeys' ever since mine fell out of the window on the Ffestiniog line and got eaten by a goat; which library is it at Alan?!

.

Why did you delete that greek ?? i was just going to tell you i was a member of that club and have tattoed the name Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwlllantysilliogogogoch ,,,,,not wanting to boast though .Check it out it's the longest place name.

Sorry jimmy, but the place with the longest name is;
Krung-thep-maha-nakorn-boworn-ratana-kosin-mahintar- ayudhya-amaha-dilok-pop-nopa-ratana-rajthani-burirom-udom-rajniwes-mahasat-arn-amorn-pimarn- avatar-satit- sakattiya-visanukam.
This is Bangkok, which somehow seems appropriate.
I had this tattood too, but had to abbreviate it to K-Kam. In a very small font.
Speaking of which. Why is abbreviate such a long word?

"Why is abbreviate such a long word?", on that note, why is elongate shorter than abbreviate?!

Hi Jimmy B,

My wording was poor so I intended to delete but pressed the Post Message button instead. I was also going to say I had Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwlllantysilliogogogoch tattooed on mine double spaced but thought no one would believe me. Older now so letters fading. Might have Prestatyn ( get it press that in) as a tattoo next.
For anyone who wants to try for the record (I'm sure there are some very strange people on here) you might try ACETYLSERYLTYROSYLSERYLISOLEUCYLTHREONYLSERYLPROLYLSERYLGLUTAMINYLPHENYLALANYLVALYLPHENYLALANYLLEUCYLSERYLSERYLVALYLTRYPTOPHYLALANYLASPARTYLPROLYLISOLEUCYLGLUTAMYLLEUCYLLEUCYLASPARAGINYLVALYLCYSTEINYLTHREONYLSERYLSERYLLEUCYLGLYCYLASPARAGINYLGLUTAMINYLPHENYLALANYLGLUTAMINYLTHREONYLGLUTAMINYLGLUTAMINYLALANYLARGINYLTHREONYLTHREONYLGLUTAMINYLVALYLGLUTAMINYLGLUTAMINYLPHENYLALANYLSERYLGLUTAMINYLVALYLTRYPTOPHYLLYSYLPROLYLPHENYLALANYLPROLYLGLUTAMINYLSERYLTHREONYLVALYLARGINYLPHENYLALANYLPROLYLGLYCYLASPARTYLVALYLTYROSYLLYSYLVALYLTYROSYLARGINYLTYROSYLASPARAGINYLALANYLVALYLLEUCYLASPARTYLPROLYLLEUCYLISOLEUCYLTHREONYLALANYLLEUCYLLEUCYLGLYCYLTHREONYLPHENYLALANYLASPARTYLTHREONYLARGINYLASPARAGINYLARGINYLISOLEUCYLISOLEUCYLGLUTAMYLVALYLGLUTAMYLASPARAGINYLGLUTAMINYLGLUTAMINYLSERYLPROLYLTHREONYLTHREONYLALANYLGLUTAMYLTHREONYLLEUCYLASPARTYLALANYLTHREONYLARGINYLARGINYLVALYLASPARTYLASPARTYLALANYLTHREONYLVALYLALANYLISOLEUCYLARGINYLSERYLALANYLASPARAGINYLISOLEUCYLASPARAGINYLLEUCYLVALYLASPARAGINYLGLUTAMYLLEUCYLVALYLARGINYLGLYCYLTHREONYLGLYCYLLEUCYLTYROSYLASPARAGINYLGLUTAMINYLASPARAGINYLTHREONYLPHENYLALANYLGLUTAMYLSERYLMETHIONYLSERYLGLYCYLLEUCYLVALYLTRYPTOPHYLTHREONYLSERYLALANYLPROLYLALANYLSERINE. Yes it is a proper word. Now that would make you popular with the birds.

Jimmy B,

The longest place name in Wales is GORSAFAWDDACHAIDRAIGODANHEDDOGLEDDOLONPENRHYNAREURDRAETHCEREDIGION which as 8 more letters than Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwlllantysilliogogogoch. Not being personal but perhaps your tattooist ran out of space.

Beckham for a 100th cap? Well he'd better have more skills than this chap:-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RaWA1vKmSNQ

:o)

A microphone can be a dangerous implement:-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdnTr84Anc4