Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Sorry Alan, you'll have to think of something else; the book is already halfway through being written, it is my sister's (who was formerly my brother before her sex change) autobiography!

Alan , i await with interest jezzer,s response. and i don,t think it is the liberals but the labourals

Trev's out on bail.
He was telling me how he bought himself some new trousers from Scope, but the zip was broken and wouldn't pull up. He went back to the shop , wearing them, to complain and see if he could get his 2 back. It was closed though cos the old lady that runs it has a tea dance on a Wednesday afternoon.
So, he went to his favourite haunt when the weathers bad and he has no money for a half. The library.
He was leafing through an old copy of Cosmopolitan, cos he likes the underwear ads, when he was stopped dead.
"Whys that then, Trev".
"It was an article on Facebook. The woman that writes it was saying its the new sex. Well I don't get any of the old type, so I thought I'd better read up on it. Anyway, it was full of wimmin that were seeing other wimmin, and I thought it wasn't right, cos there they are, having to go with each other cos there aren't enough men around, and heres me with all the right equipment and nobody to share it with."
His eyes glazed for a moment.
"Anyway, this caused my sexuality to rise up and I was staring it straight in the face".
Sometimes I really regret having an imagination.
"I had to join this facebook thing, and help these wimmin out. I asked the librarian for a go on her internet thing so I could look at some wimmin, and she got dead stroppy, and called me a pervert, and I said, No, I just want to offer my sexual services to groups of ladies, cos their perverts."
"So, she let me go on, but said all the rude stuff was blocked, but that didn't matter cos all I was doing was reading."
"Right, the trouble started when I was looking at this bird from Seaton Carew. She had a picture of her on there from her holidays in Cleethorpes wearing her bikini, and she wasn't bad for a fat lass. But then I noticed that librarian woman, watching me closely and I remembered about my zip being stuck down. I knew what she'd think if she saw me looking at that with my zip down, so I tried to do it up. I mean, I yanked, I tugged, I pulled but the damn thing was stuck, even thiough I was pulling hard and bouncing on the chair, and my hand was hitting the desk."
"Next minute, she's over here and walloping me round the head with a copy of Great railway Journeys and I'm out like a light."
"I've been bailed to appear next week, but I'm thinking of absconding to Seaton Carew for a while, and I might ask the police for that Photo they took of me for their sex offenders register, so's I can put it on Facebook".
"What will you say in the ad?"
"I was thinking of something like, middle aged man, likes pubs and socialising, looking for wimmin that have to be with other wimmin cos they can't get a bloke. Must be preared to buy their own round".
Best of luck, trev.

Well I'll be................. I've been after a copy of 'Great railway Journeys' ever since mine fell out of the window on the Ffestiniog line and got eaten by a goat; which library is it at Alan?!

.

Why did you delete that greek ?? i was just going to tell you i was a member of that club and have tattoed the name Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwlllantysilliogogogoch ,,,,,not wanting to boast though .Check it out it's the longest place name.

Sorry jimmy, but the place with the longest name is;
Krung-thep-maha-nakorn-boworn-ratana-kosin-mahintar- ayudhya-amaha-dilok-pop-nopa-ratana-rajthani-burirom-udom-rajniwes-mahasat-arn-amorn-pimarn- avatar-satit- sakattiya-visanukam.
This is Bangkok, which somehow seems appropriate.
I had this tattood too, but had to abbreviate it to K-Kam. In a very small font.
Speaking of which. Why is abbreviate such a long word?

"Why is abbreviate such a long word?", on that note, why is elongate shorter than abbreviate?!

Hi Jimmy B,

My wording was poor so I intended to delete but pressed the Post Message button instead. I was also going to say I had Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwlllantysilliogogogoch tattooed on mine double spaced but thought no one would believe me. Older now so letters fading. Might have Prestatyn ( get it press that in) as a tattoo next.
For anyone who wants to try for the record (I'm sure there are some very strange people on here) you might try ACETYLSERYLTYROSYLSERYLISOLEUCYLTHREONYLSERYLPROLYLSERYLGLUTAMINYLPHENYLALANYLVALYLPHENYLALANYLLEUCYLSERYLSERYLVALYLTRYPTOPHYLALANYLASPARTYLPROLYLISOLEUCYLGLUTAMYLLEUCYLLEUCYLASPARAGINYLVALYLCYSTEINYLTHREONYLSERYLSERYLLEUCYLGLYCYLASPARAGINYLGLUTAMINYLPHENYLALANYLGLUTAMINYLTHREONYLGLUTAMINYLGLUTAMINYLALANYLARGINYLTHREONYLTHREONYLGLUTAMINYLVALYLGLUTAMINYLGLUTAMINYLPHENYLALANYLSERYLGLUTAMINYLVALYLTRYPTOPHYLLYSYLPROLYLPHENYLALANYLPROLYLGLUTAMINYLSERYLTHREONYLVALYLARGINYLPHENYLALANYLPROLYLGLYCYLASPARTYLVALYLTYROSYLLYSYLVALYLTYROSYLARGINYLTYROSYLASPARAGINYLALANYLVALYLLEUCYLASPARTYLPROLYLLEUCYLISOLEUCYLTHREONYLALANYLLEUCYLLEUCYLGLYCYLTHREONYLPHENYLALANYLASPARTYLTHREONYLARGINYLASPARAGINYLARGINYLISOLEUCYLISOLEUCYLGLUTAMYLVALYLGLUTAMYLASPARAGINYLGLUTAMINYLGLUTAMINYLSERYLPROLYLTHREONYLTHREONYLALANYLGLUTAMYLTHREONYLLEUCYLASPARTYLALANYLTHREONYLARGINYLARGINYLVALYLASPARTYLASPARTYLALANYLTHREONYLVALYLALANYLISOLEUCYLARGINYLSERYLALANYLASPARAGINYLISOLEUCYLASPARAGINYLLEUCYLVALYLASPARAGINYLGLUTAMYLLEUCYLVALYLARGINYLGLYCYLTHREONYLGLYCYLLEUCYLTYROSYLASPARAGINYLGLUTAMINYLASPARAGINYLTHREONYLPHENYLALANYLGLUTAMYLSERYLMETHIONYLSERYLGLYCYLLEUCYLVALYLTRYPTOPHYLTHREONYLSERYLALANYLPROLYLALANYLSERINE. Yes it is a proper word. Now that would make you popular with the birds.

Jimmy B,

The longest place name in Wales is GORSAFAWDDACHAIDRAIGODANHEDDOGLEDDOLONPENRHYNAREURDRAETHCEREDIGION which as 8 more letters than Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwlllantysilliogogogoch. Not being personal but perhaps your tattooist ran out of space.

Beckham for a 100th cap? Well he'd better have more skills than this chap:-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RaWA1vKmSNQ

:o)

A microphone can be a dangerous implement:-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdnTr84Anc4

I get annoyed so easily these days. I really am classed as a grumpy old man.
Yesterday, we went to Asda for the weekly bout of buying things we don't need, and a few bits we do. I ended up parking several miles away from the store despite still being in Asdas car park.
My first thought was to wonder why Asda take the measurements of my car then paint a box exactly 6 inches smaller and call it a parking space. After using the Vaseline and the brickhammer to get the car into the gap between two others, we set off on the epic hike to the shop itself.
Thought two was brought on by several million empty spaces I could not use. All very close to the shop, but marked "M/Cycle", "Mother & Baby" and finally "Disabled". I started wondering how close you could park if, for instance, you were a disabled mum, taking your young children shopping on the back of a motorbike. I reckoned the cheese aisle, but the wife thinks fresh produce department.
Anyway, judging by the % of parking spaces reserved for such shoppers, I live now in a country where the only able bodied people left are either new mums or people with leather fetishes, so why don't Asda have (as well as a baby goods aisle), an S&M aisle and a disabled goods section?
And why do motorcyclists need to be near the store? They are unlikely to have 17 bags of shopping to lug to their vehicle. And if Asda supply those little motorised buggies for the disabled to use to get round the store and back to their car, can I have one please because after shopping I face another trek back to the car that would be dismissed by Ranolph Fiennes as being just too long and cold.
Finally. When i do get back to the car, who has organised that the cars on either side have gone to be replaced by drivers who like to park diagonally so I cannot get in my car?
I think the answer must be to shop online and for the delivery address, just type in "The furthest distant space in your car park, next to the cars parked by Stevie Wonder".

And another one!!!!
I read this morning that GCSE exams are to get much harder. The government have found out that kids can get a "C" grade in English while being (I cannot believe I am writing this) "functionally illiterate", or a "C" grade in maths without the ability to add up consistently!!
Now they are demanding tougher tests, the exam boards (who have got a "C" in exam setting and are therefore "functionally stupid") are crying that some kids will fail and employers will not be able to distinguish between an old "C" grade and a new one.
Yes they will. They will be able to tell by the opening line of the letter for the job which starts "Can this be my aplicashun plees".
And so what if some kids fail. Our education system was envied the world over when 60% of GCE results were a fail. Nowadays, with little or no failures, its a Catherine Tate sketch.
Bovvered? They should be.

Note to Alan..... If no one moans, we will get even more C**P shoveled on us.

Fuel, food, gas, electric, travel and worse of all community charges are all increasing along with numerous other bills and commodities far above inflation (well above government inflationary figures anyway).
As far as the community charge is concerned, the increase is 4.9% in my area.
If these increases continue it won't be long before we hand over all our money and receive some sort of vouchers back to enable us to live.
If main and local governments cut out just 50% of the huge waste they generate no increases would be required, if fact tax (because thats all they are) cut could easily be made.
I intend to pay by direct debit until 9 of the 10 payments have been made. I will then stop the d/d and wait for the enforcement possess to start.
I can't understand why we sit back and just take what this government throws at us.
Although not a fan of the French, I sometimes admire their protest spirit. Long before now they would have taken to the streets.
At the moment I am trying to find a local (Beverley East Yorkshire) protest movement.
We are steadily being bled dry. It's time to man the barricades, legally and peacefully.

I am a member of The Tax Payers Alliance. If anyone wishes to take a look see http://www.taxpayersalliance.com/
At the moment they appear to be best organization for fighting our corner, (good for Grumpy old men as well, Alan please note).
They often publish government waste figures which would often be (if the evidence wasn't there) unbelievable.

Not just a grumpy old man, but a very bloody angry one.

I sometimes think, Greek, that I am now too old to care any more. My (our?) generation faced much the same crap when The Maggon closed every manufacturing industry we had and introduced the poll tax, but we at least set fire to London in protest and had her packed off to a home for the dangerously optimistic. The current generation of angry young men seem content to take it out on their X-Box.
I have a French business friend who I asked about the new smoking ban in France and he said it was being noted and very strictly ignored, and that this is the French way. The government live enough in the real world to know that if they try too hard to enforce it, they will cause even more smoke as people take to the streets and set fire to British sheep.
I like the ways of the French and Italians. They have an unspoken agreement with their respective governments that they can pass any laws, or charge any taxes they like providing they do not expect the population to obey them or pay them. This seems to me to be a very healthy democracy, and one which every politician we have ever had would do well to follow.
So the battle cry goes out. Every man woman and child should disobey the next ludicrous dictat from central government and all young men should go to their local town hall and put a strimmer down the underpants of the council leader, until they promise to stop interfering and spending our money on the latest political sweeties.

Same re any EU laws. The French tend to look at them and obey/disobey depending on if they think it will benefit them. We on the other hand tend to bow down, grovel and say Thanks Very much for even more C**ping on us from a great height.
Like you after moaning, protesting for many years, despondency is creeping in, although I am trying very hard not to allow it to.

At the moment I have inquired if I can have a sex change on the NHS.
Then in a civil partnership marry any mixed race, one legged, blind, mentally disturbed, transsexual ex con I can find (Don't suppose you or Trev know such a person). Apply to adopt twins from Cambodia, sit back and allow the government to take care of me for the rest of my life.

Probably should not have mentioned TREV. Bet I/we all regret it.

So, Alan, you think if Maggie hadn't 'closed every manufacturing industry' (debatable) that we'd now be competing successfully with the likes of Vietnam, China, Korea etc?

Don't make me laugh! She had the vision to see what was happening in the far east and replace our manufacturing industry (what was left of it at that time) with a far more enduring and profitable service industry which has left us as number 4 richest economy in the world.

And as for the poll tax - I'd gladly swap what we've got now for that. Our council tax has more than doubled in the past ten years.

And you think the poll tax wouldn't???????

Anyway, The Maggon may be hailed by some as a visionary, but we are now left as an economy based on stealing each others washing. We do not actually produce anything. Sure we have a few manufacturing plants but they do little more than nail together bits from other countries.
Where is the innovation coming from? Trevor Bayliss may make a few radios and James Dyson the odd vac, but we have no raw material production, no agriculture worth talking of, no worldwide giants of white goods production, no car industry. Our tourist trade is knackered cos they all live here already and we have banned ourselves from fishing in the sea.
We have moved our callcentres and banking operations to Mumbai.
What we have is a financial services industry that is in ruins and the worlds largest output of dopey liberal academics. Even our gas and electric is supplied by someone who probably couldn't find the UK on a map.
Given the world climate, how are we going to climb back from the brink if we cannot actually make anything to sell to someone else and they no longer trust our only industry. The FSA and BoE cannot replace that trust. They are incompetent and weighed down by more regulation than Brussels could make in a year.
No. Farsighted is to realise that when the shit hits the fan, as it is undoubtedly doing, a country needs to be able to support itself and make a few quid supplying others.
My opinion, but closing everything rather than making it more economically viable was shortsighted and just the easy way out.