Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Alan,

OK second opinion. After following your posts for some time, I think the Doc's diagnosis is correct. As long as you think it' the others that have the problems, then your on the right track to normality, IE not in denial. Anyway, who wants to be normal.
That's 50 consultation fee you owe me.

As to me, I know it was the aliens that caused all my problems (and there are many) when they abducted me and over several days conducted experiments on both my mind and body. Because of that I take no notice of doctors or psychiatrists as they think all my problems are of the delusional type.
Remember the cover up of Area 51 and the documentary Men in Black.

The truth IS out there.

Foot Note. I sent post 6660.5. But how the h**l did you see it.

Never had a problem with aliens, Greek. I usually get on quite well with them.
It's the pixies that drive me mad, laughing at me every time I turn my back.
I had Rentokil in to clean the place out of them, but the bloke they sent must have been mental. He blamed pop music saying I was off my rocker.
Anyway, the doctor must be wrong, cos someone keeps telling me he deserves to die for questioning my sanity. No idea who is saying that cos the house is empty, but I keep hearing the voice telling me to kill him. Its the voice in my head that keeps me sane, usually, but don't tell the pixies that. They think they are beating me, but I know they're there and plotting against me.

My bank manager thinks I'm an alien.......keeps telling me I must be from another planet.

My Lloyds bank manager used to ask me for trading "tips". In the end I told him to short Lloyds TSB as they were a pile of crap. He never asked me again. Can't think why.

There was a lil' green man who went to his lil' green house.

He went to his lil' green shower and turned the lil' green tap on. He heard the lil' green doorbell ring, so he turned off the lil' green tap, put on a lil' green towel and opened the lil' green door! There was his lil' green girlfriend.

The lil' green man opened his lil' green arms out wide to give her a lil' green hug! He wanted to give her a "surprise."

Off flew his lil' green towel and the lil' green girlfriend ran across the lil' green street screaming. She got hit by a lil' green car, quickly turned a lil' green and then died.

And the moral of the story?

Never run across the road when the lil' green man is flashing.

This patient goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist gives him a Rorschach Test -- he shows a patient a circle with a dot inside it.

Psych: What do you see?
Patient: Two people are having sex in the middle of the circular room.

The psychiatrist shows the patient another picture of a square with a dot inside it.

Q: What do you see?
A: Two people are having sex in the square room.

The psychiatrist shows the patient one more picture of a triangle with a dot outside it.

Q: What do you see now?
Patient: Doctor, are you some kind of pervert?

Anyhow, after the test the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says, "You seem to have a preoccupation with sex."

The man replies, "You're the one with the dirty pictures."

Troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humour with the following, "YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't
afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your bum with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your
clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that mobile phones have uses other than setting
off roadside bombs.

9. You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least
one.

11. You bathe at least once a month whether necessary or not.

12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbour's Goat?

Nice one bos ,how are you ?

very well, jimmy. are you still in uk or have you done one yet ?

And still it goes on.
The sub prime part of Skipton building society has this morning withdrawn from lending any more money. The arm, Amber home loans, say it is because they are unable to "temper their risk" using traditional tools and they will return to lending "once the market returns to normality".
Alan

i'm still here :-(

Article taken from www.youdontbuythiscrapdoyou.com

Making Money in Commodities by Thadeus Dipfinger
Down near Canary Wharf is an old warehouse that never gets noticed. Till now.
The bulk of it is the pork belly futures warehouse, where pigs not yet born are slaughtered to satisfy the market demands to trade next years farm produce. At the back of this is the ink futures trading floor. It is here where traders from across the globe have suddenly spotted untapped market potential.
"We have quietly gone about balancing the worlds needs for ink of every colour for decades" explains Julian Flannelfoot, senior orangey/green ink trader for the old firm of Farquarson & Farquarson. "Nobody bothering us until now, and suddenly the world wants a piece of our action."
It seems the financial sector has woken up to a shortage in a commodity that looks like it may boom. Red ink.
An un-named source for a major investment bank explained that previously it wasn't worth paying the 1p per gallon price for red ink, as when they needed it for the accounts they could usually hide it somehow, but under new regulations they have to include it when necessary.
"On the rare occassion we did need to use some, we just drained it from the corpse of the trader who had caused its use, simple", said the source, reminding us of how much weight Nick Leeson lost.
"But its hard nowadays, and it looks like most of the world will be heading for the backroom at Canary Wharf to buy lots of red ink for their forthcoming results".
Julian agrees. "All the world will need it this year", he says, "with the exception of the USA who will deny it for as long as possible and then find a weak Asian nation to invade to take everyones mind off the ink shortage".
But there lies the problem for the serious investor / trader. Our recommendation is a strong buy for red ink futures, but not too strong because then we might all need black ink and the arse will fall out of the red ink market.
Julians advice? "Trade it lots and lots of times from long to short", he says as he covers up the computer screen that details his dealing commission and the spread.

Please note that the value of ink can fall as well as rise and your pen may be at risk if you do not fill it up. Any resemblance to real people living or dead is entirely deliberate and yes the USA are a bunch of financially illiterate, burger munching invasion monkeys.

we're through to the nationals ....harrogate here we come !!! woo hoo !!!

Oh wow - well done :)

Congrats, Bos.
Excellent.

(But is post 6674 a case of blowing your own trumpet???)

absolutely !! :) (or in my case, banging the drum )

a bit of a good week this week 'cos the little monkey is 2 tomorrow. i can't believe just how fast the clock is ticking !!

Buy him some red ink futures for his birthday, Bos. You know he'll thank you.

About time!

MP's will have to put in chitties for expenses that are anything more than 25 soon:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/7289294.stm

Ladies of negotiable affection around Kings Cross don't give receipts, so thats half the MP's knackered.
The other half will have to get receipts for "rent" from boys on wimbledon common.