Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Can't put this on the Joke thread as now no access.
Pinched (with permission) from another site.

Dont get me started on politicians...damn, you just did
Subject: Prize Winner

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the West Berks County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result:
The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet surprise as well.

Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you know a Pullitician called Gordon?

The high horse is back, and I am mounting it and galloping off to utopia, a place where health and safety, and vicars are banned for being as limp as wet lettuce,as interesting as mould and as relevant as scub diving gear in a desert.
Today I read, though cannot believe, that the Birdman of Bognor contest is not being held due to health and safety concerns. I thoroughly expect the health and saety executive to introduce proposals that we all sit alone and very quiet in a well lit cellar somewhere, not moving around too much.
Following the Eduardo injury I expect them to review football and insist that it is either banned, or rules introduced to ensure players cannot get with 5 metres of each other. They will prefer it though, on the whole, if we abandon football as a national sport and instead take up maypole dancing, with easy snap ropes in case anyone gets caught up in them.
Get out, meet girls and get a life. Try bungee jumping. I will tie the knot.
The Bishop of Southwark banned the hymn Jerusalem from a service. He did this due to its lack of religious content.
The hymn that includes the holy lamb of God, the divine countenance and the idea of building a holy empire lacks religious content, apparantly.
I conclude that either the very reverand Colin got the job accidently while applying to be a bus driver, or he is being less than truthful. Could it be that the second verse of my favourite hymn is politically unacceptable to him? The bit that encourages us to use swords/spears/bows to build a new Jerusalem might upset a few non christians?
Can I remind him that other religions have messages saying that my ribs are an excellent place to test how sharp their swords are, and I have never complained, and it is unlikely that Mullah Omar will ban those passages from his teachings.
So please, Bishop, don't use your religion as a pawn, obey your Queen and stop trying to be a Grand Master. Leave our culture alone.

A mate of mine from up north has just phoned to tell us about his holiday in Goa early last year.

Whilst there, they had a full health check - 50. Cheap, eh?

It turned out he had a 9cm aneurism (a thing which is a bit like a balloon) on his aorta (the bath pipe diameter blood vessel that runs from the heart) sited just below the level of his kidney.

Result? First class flights home with a doctor to accompany them. They had originally flown from M/Cr but this was to H/Row, then H/Row to M/Cr and a taxi home - with the doctor on tow all the way. Straight into hospital and an op'.

They could have done the op' in Goa but he wasn't insured for this. If the aneurism had have popped then he would have been but it didn't and so he wasn't. Perhaps if it had have popped, then he'd be dead!

Apparently, Goa holidays are famous for these Health Check 'MOTs'.

Hmmm? 50 eh? Was that for the two of them or each? I'll have to ring him back and ask.

Heres some info from the Apollo Victor Hospital, Goa, on their health checks.

One thing worries me about this. Why does the doctor, 3rd down on the left, need to wear a hard hat?

There are full health cheack and full health checks. This one looks too full to me!


http://www.medicalindiatourism.com/apollo-hospitals-india/Master_Healthcheck_Program-I.pdf

Perhaps a bit OTT but it beats ASBO's.

Taken from The Daily Telegraph, by Sebastien Berger reporting from Johannesburg,

South Africa's deputy security minister has told police how to tackle rampant crime in their cities where, on average 50 persons are murdered every day.
Susan Shabangu told a police forum that they had failed to tackle crime and have the governments permission to kill these criminals.
She goes on to say,"I won't tolerate any pathetic excuses for you not being able to deal with crime. Kill the bastards and do not worry about regulations. You have been given guns, now use them . I want no warning shots. You have one shot and it must be a kill shot".

If only our governing body would take note. Beats hugging a hoody!

Edited as double post due to MoneyAm site being very slow.

Oh, and in with the 50, you get two sandwiches and a cup of tea.

So that's nice.

Not in the least OTT, Greek.
Merely an adaptation of an existing UK policy. Just that we don't apply it to murderers and rapists. We reserve it for the more henious crimes like speeding and smoking, except in Oxford where the local council have deemed it more appropriate for parking offences.

B****y H**l I am out of touch. If they shoot you in Oxford for just parking I will stay in my nice quiet corner of Yorkshire with me sheep.

Note.... I did say a bit OTT. Must not upset the locals, some who think all prisons should be emptied and all prisoners given therapy to change their evil ways.

Don't forget there is some good in everyone (trouble is in some no one can find it).

You're a Yorkshireman?????
Good grief, I thought I was the only one on here from Gods own country!!!
Musn't disagree though.
Good in all. The Matthews family are obviously a well balanced, slightly misunderstood bunch who are kind to animals, needing a little guidance on family matters.
Abu Hamza is a pleasant chappy who helps old people with their gardens, and donates much of his time to charitable work, occassionaly lapsing into rhetoric demanding two thirds of the population be destroyed as sub human. Think of it as a kind of Tourettes syndrome.
And Myra Hindley would have made a really good Brown Owl at the local Girl Guides had she ever had a chance for a cup of tea and a biscuit with her local social worker.
And how could we all misunderstand Mussolinni and Hitler so much? Just a pair of loveable rougues in the same vein as Abbot & Costello. Not quite as funny though. More like Les Dennis & Dustin Gee.
No. The more I think about it, the more I think the average hand wringing liberal has it right. We should empty the prisons of petty offenders, like murderers, rapists and terrorists. That would leave us more room to deal with the real scourges of society, like drivers, smokers and those who dare put salt on their food. Bas***ds.

I'm from Leeds - the heart of God's Own Country.
Left for the South many moons ago.
It's the self-righteous, self-regarding left-liberal socially engineering pious government and their dependent structures which create the sociological ills of this country.
Home rule for England and self-rule for Yorkshire.

How can this bunch of winkers throw out decent working immigrants from India, genuine refugees from Zimbabwe and keep foreign born criminals and terrorists - and on social security?

I'm from Wales. God made Wales ................... and sheep .....................

You're dead right Kim. God made Wales.
But think back to your own career. There must be some points you are proud of and some you are a bit embarrassed about.
Same with God.
He looks at the Maldives, the south of France and Yorkshire with great pride at a good job well done.
Then he considers Afghanistan, Australia and Birmingham and realises we all have bad days sometimes.
He is then cheered by the thought that his greatest achievement (Humans) tried to copy him and create wonderful habitats of peace, industry and harmony and only came up with Milton Keynes, and the M25.
Wales looks very pretty by night, by the light of blazing holiday homes.

Oh yes, the blazing holiday homes! Don't get that so much these days; shame really, there's nothing like the ruddy glow of a fire reflecting off the wool of a good sheep.

How come the mere mention of Sheep brings forth more debate than politics, religion and sex put together. (No sex and sheep jokes please)
Also if Leeds is the heart of Yorkshire, and Barnsley is the Sole, what part of the body is Hull, (I'm going to regret that question).

The ars*hull Greek?

Hull is a brilliant piece of design.
It is the first thing northern Europeans see as they enter this sceptered isle, and therefore everything that follows, even Dewsbury, birmingham and Newport Pagnall seem wonderful by comparison, making the Nordic races think England is a fantastic country.
One of Hitlers better ideas was getting rid of his unused ordinance by dropping it over Hull on the way home. Its not that he disliked the city, he was just very farsighted and knew that somewhere in Hull John Prescott was being born and he couldn't stand the competition for centurys worst politician awards.

A Yorkshire contribution to the Battle of Waterloo, being a poem entitled

'Sam, Sam, pick up tha' musket'

It occurred on the evening before Waterloo,
As troops were lined up on parade.
And sergeant inspecting 'em, he were a terror,
Of whom every man were afraid.

All excepting one man, he were in't front rank,
A man by t'name of Sam Small.
And he and t'sergeant were both daggers drawn,
They thought nowt of each other at all.

As sergeant walked past he was swinging his arms,
And he happened to brush against Sam.
And knocking t'musket clean out of 'is hand,
It fell t'ground wi' a slam.

'Pick it up!' said sergeant, abrupt like, but cool.
But Sam wi' a shake of 'is 'ead.
Said 'Seeing as tha knocked it out of my hand,
P'rhaps tha'll pick t' thing up instead.

Sam, Sam, pick up tha musket!
The sergeant exclaimed with a roar.
Sam said tha' knocked it down reasonin'
Tha'll pick it up, or it stays, where t'is on the floor.

The sound of high words very soon reached
The ears of an officer, Lieutenant Bird.
Who says to the sergeant 'Now what's all this 'ere?',
And the sergeant told what had occurred.

'Sam, Sam, pick up thy musket !',
Lieutenant exclaimed with some heat.
Sam says he knocked it down, reasonin he picks it up,
Or it stays where't is at my feet.

It caused quite a stir when the Captain arrived,
To find out the cause of the trouble,
And every man there all, excepting old Sam,
Was full of excitement and bubble.

'Sam, Sam, pick up thy musket!',
Said Captain, for strictness renowned.
Sam says he knocked it down, reasonin he picks it up,
Or it stays where't is on the ground.

The same thing occurred when the Major and Colonel
Both tried to get Sam to see sense.
But when old Duke of Wellington came into view,
Well then the excitement was tense.

Up rode the Duke on a lovely white horse
To 'Find out the cause of the bother.'
He looked at the musket, and then at old Sam,
And he talked to old Sam like a brother.

'Sam, Sam, pick up thy musket', the Duke
Said as quiet as could be,
'Sam, Sam-Sam-Sam, pick up thy musket.',
Come on lad just to please me.

All right Duke says old Sam just for thee I'll oblige,
And to show thee I meant no offence.
So Sam picked it up. 'Gradely lad.' said the Duke.
'Righto boys let battle commence.'

I've got a very rare book of Stanley Holloway monologues, and they are fantastic.
Remember Albert and the lion????

Here you are Alan, the man himself. Great stuff.

">