Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Last 2 posters, Thank you.

In all honesty, I just write what is on my mind and I would love to write for a living, but I could never hope to have the talent to do it anywhere were people might pay for the privilege of reading it!
I have actually appeared in print. Two court reports and numerous begging letters.
I am currently (well, on and off) trying to write a humourous (to me) story of a last day at work. I will never get a publisher, it is for my use only, but if I ever finish it I will make it available on an online self publishing site.
Your comments have given me fresh impetus to get back to it, so you only have yourselves to blame..............

Are the markets open tomorrow ???

NO is the answer I was looking for = found it on Yahoo Cheers

It looks like the British Olympic Committee is already looking at increasing the medal targets for the 2012 Olympics.
Why do we have to follow the trend of setting specific targets. Why follow such systems as Health, Education, Crime etc. everything these days appears to need a target.
I'm sure the athletes don't need targets to be set as they will try their best no matter what, so such talk is meaningless.
The only goal should be to win as many medals as possible.

As to track and field, the Labour Government has now admitted that selling off school playing fields and the political correct none competitive attitude, (don't beat little Johnny/Mary or they might need counseling in later life brigade) was wrong and is partly responsible for the lack of sufficient talent in this area. Now what a surprise that revelation is.

No doubt whatever happens, the GB games will be the most heath and safety ones ever.
Blunt javelins, steel cap and safety helmets for the shot put and hammer. Safety suspension lines for the pole volt. Stabilizers for any cycling event.
Full bathing suites for the female beach volley ball (well I nearly had an accident when they bent over to pick the ball up).

No doubt you inventive lot can come up with more suggestions.

On BBC Breakfast Tessa Jowell stated that more money will be targeted into the areas of sport where most medals were won. So more money will be put into sports like rowing, sailing, swimming, cycling and less into athletics.
So in the governments thinking, until certain areas such as track and field show results they will not receive as much funding.
What a ridiculous plan as there are far more grass roots (a popular government term) participants in these sports than the others mentioned. The sports where we struggle should receive a bigger slice of the cake, not less.
Another c**p idea.

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

That is years old bosley - do keep up!

Re: Post 7022

I think our archers need targets.



Sorry. Tumbleweed slowly rolls across monitor.

Hi StarFrog,

Never thought of that. At least you have started the ball rolling.

If the javelin throwers need targets, may I suggest anyone with the letters MP after their name?
The target for swimming, for me, has always been not to drown.
Equestrian targets could be my rose bed.

How about a General Studies "A" level exam essay subject based on the olympics? "Javelin and Hammer are the only field events. Discus."

What about raising our tally by introducing games we would win. Such as queueing without complaining. Electing idiots. Synchronised stabbing.

The far East included Judo, Tae Kwondo etc., so could we introduce Morris dancing?

And I now give you a promise of 2 world records to be set at the London Olympics.

1) Highest ever ticket price paid.
2) Furthest distance ever from an event to a parking space

Verily, we can hold our heads high.

Just in:

Blessed Herbs. That's what you need, so they tell me. Blessed Herbs.

Yurgh!

You'll have to find your own link(s)!!!!

:-(

Greek, 'The sports where we struggle should receive a bigger slice of the cake, not less.
Another c**p idea. '

Couldn't agree more. The ones where we did well obviously have the right amount of funding - you cant do better than a gold medal so why waste money trying to?

But the present government does the same thing across the board - not just sports.

How come Mony - post excellent results and dividend rise and drop
and Tw. lose 1.5 Billion and are up from last week ??????? Strange old world.

From http://news.bbc.co.uk/........

Man's 'pants' password is changed

A man who chose "Lloyds is pants" as his telephone banking password said he found it had been changed by a member of staff to "no it's not".

Steve Jetley, from Shrewsbury, said he chose the password after falling out with Lloyds TSB over insurance that came free with an account. He said he was then banned from changing it back or to another password of "Barclays is better".

The bank apologised and said the staff member no longer worked there.

Mr Jetley said he first realised his security password had been changed when a call centre staff member told him his code word did not match with the one on the computer.

"I thought it was actually quite a funny response," he said. I tried 'Barclays is better' and that didn't go down too well either but what really incensed me was when I was told I could not change it back to 'Lloyds is pants' because they said it was not appropriate.

"I asked if it was 'pants' they didn't like, and would 'Lloyds is rubbish' do? But they didn't think so. So I tried 'Barclays is better' and that didn't go down too well either. The rules seemed to change, and they told me it had to be one word, so I tried 'censorship', but they didn't like that, and then said it had to be no more than six letters long."

Mr Jetley said he was still trying to find a suitable password which met the conditions. He said his dispute with the bank started over some travel insurance, but that issue had been dealt with by managers independently.

A statement released by the bank said: "We would like to apologise to Mr Jetley.

"It is very disappointing that he felt the need to express his upset with our service in this way. Customers can have any password they choose and it is not our policy to allow staff to change the password without the customer's permission. The member of staff involved no longer works for Lloyds TSB."

Execline,

If every bank I have fallen out with stopped me from being a customer, I would have no chance opening an account with any of them.
Useless the lot of them.
And while I am in a moaning mood (well worse than usual anyway), how about this for a B****Y scandal.
From The Daily Telegraph, today.

It appears that the NHS is expected to have a 1.75 billion surplus in the bank by the end of this financial year (as thats about 7 months away I'm not sure how they can say this, but still). Also the figures show that there was a surplus of 1.6 billion at the end of the financial year in April.
Also Nice have apologized to patients for the two and a half years they took to evaluate the drug, Lucentis for age related eye disease.
It's about time these highly paid, pension comfy, over bonused, mollycoddled, useless jobsworthy's were given a quick kick up the jacksy.

That may happen yet, Greek.
The NHS hope to have a NICE evaluation on the efficacy of a kick up the arse within the next 10 to 15 years.
Trial results are so far inconsistent and inconclusive.
A spokesman for the Civil Service department responsible told me that while it appeared "prima Facia" to work for the lower classes, there was evidence that it does not work terribly well on civil servants, council workers, sportsmen and politicians.
When pressed for evidence he sited that Ronaldo gets a penalty and 3 weeks off work every time he is kicked and that world leaders responded badly to kicks up the arse, such as Bush, Mugabe, Brown and Hussein. He said there was evidence that the best approach was that used by civil servants and politicians throughout the ages, of rapid promotion to a position where they do little other than shake hands and a large increase in pension rights.
The NICE report is due around the time of the reign of Queen Kylie III.

Well you can kiss my ****. (By the way that is NOT an invitation)
Trust Alan to come up with such profound advice.
Must say I found your post an excellent ending to the day. I think this time you have surpassed yourself. A Very funny post.
May I pinch it for another site, as this deserves to be shared.(credit to be given)

Feel free!!!

Alan, that was supposed to be confidential. Trials for KUTA have yet to reach Phase 1, how did you hear about it?

;o)

Keep writing them. The world needs them!

On the 10th September the first attempt to circulate a beam in CERN's Large Hadron Collider (LHC) will be made.

The LHC is the world's most powerful particle accelerator and is housed in a 27 Kilometre tunnel. It is comprised of 8 sectors, which each operate at 1.9 degrees above Absolute Zero (-271deg C).

To power it up they have to start all the circuits of each sector and then synchronise the eight sectors in unison so that it can operate as a single machine. Once this is done and the wholething is commissioned, they start to collide some LHC beams, which are accelerated to boost their energy levels.

This is when research into particle physics begins to enter a new frontier.

Some say these guys will create some Black Holes and we will all disappear into them. Others say these kinds of collisions are happening all the time and stuff, including any Black Holes, just evaporates. Well they would, wouldn't they? I mean it just stands to reason that they will evaporate. Any fool can work that out.

Anyhow, just in case they don't, they have built this collider thing in two countries, (Switzerland and France) not just one. So if we do all disappear into a Black Hole, it will be even more difficult to sue the bastards who were in charge of building it in the first place!

Ah well. We shall soon know the answer to the origin of the universe.

I always thought it was "42".

Here's some more explanatory stuff on it:

CERN Rap from Will Barras on Vimeo.