Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

That may happen yet, Greek.
The NHS hope to have a NICE evaluation on the efficacy of a kick up the arse within the next 10 to 15 years.
Trial results are so far inconsistent and inconclusive.
A spokesman for the Civil Service department responsible told me that while it appeared "prima Facia" to work for the lower classes, there was evidence that it does not work terribly well on civil servants, council workers, sportsmen and politicians.
When pressed for evidence he sited that Ronaldo gets a penalty and 3 weeks off work every time he is kicked and that world leaders responded badly to kicks up the arse, such as Bush, Mugabe, Brown and Hussein. He said there was evidence that the best approach was that used by civil servants and politicians throughout the ages, of rapid promotion to a position where they do little other than shake hands and a large increase in pension rights.
The NICE report is due around the time of the reign of Queen Kylie III.

Well you can kiss my ****. (By the way that is NOT an invitation)
Trust Alan to come up with such profound advice.
Must say I found your post an excellent ending to the day. I think this time you have surpassed yourself. A Very funny post.
May I pinch it for another site, as this deserves to be shared.(credit to be given)

Feel free!!!

Alan, that was supposed to be confidential. Trials for KUTA have yet to reach Phase 1, how did you hear about it?

;o)

Keep writing them. The world needs them!

On the 10th September the first attempt to circulate a beam in CERN's Large Hadron Collider (LHC) will be made.

The LHC is the world's most powerful particle accelerator and is housed in a 27 Kilometre tunnel. It is comprised of 8 sectors, which each operate at 1.9 degrees above Absolute Zero (-271deg C).

To power it up they have to start all the circuits of each sector and then synchronise the eight sectors in unison so that it can operate as a single machine. Once this is done and the wholething is commissioned, they start to collide some LHC beams, which are accelerated to boost their energy levels.

This is when research into particle physics begins to enter a new frontier.

Some say these guys will create some Black Holes and we will all disappear into them. Others say these kinds of collisions are happening all the time and stuff, including any Black Holes, just evaporates. Well they would, wouldn't they? I mean it just stands to reason that they will evaporate. Any fool can work that out.

Anyhow, just in case they don't, they have built this collider thing in two countries, (Switzerland and France) not just one. So if we do all disappear into a Black Hole, it will be even more difficult to sue the bastards who were in charge of building it in the first place!

Ah well. We shall soon know the answer to the origin of the universe.

I always thought it was "42".

Here's some more explanatory stuff on it:

CERN Rap from Will Barras on Vimeo.

The great thing about it is that if we do all disappear into a black hole it will no doubt happen instantaneously. See you inside Doc.

Some pictures to make you feel humble and which are of bodies right at the opposite end of the size scale to the stuff going on in the Large Hadron Collider above.

The last one contains a picture of Antares, which is the 15th brightest star in the sky and about 1000 Light Years away.

Had to smile when I read this. Aw. Little love. :-)

And if you're a news journalist or a newspaper editor, you have to think of a headline. Can you think of a good one?

Cappuccino with an extra shot, please

Here's another good one, but I do admit to cribbing it:

"When you stop for a number two, Starbucks can cause a career review."

And I thought that Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling had already created a black hole. Wish they would both disappear into it.

From http://www.dailymail.co.uk/....

M&S refuses to speak to mum about 7-year-old son's faulty Superman suit because it would 'breach his data protection rights'

By Andrew Levy
5th September 2008

Given a handy sofa to jump off, seven-year-old Jacob Hunter-Lamb can fly through the air just like his hero Superman.

Unfortunately, however, his superpowers do not yet extend to dealing on the phone with a customer services operative from Marks & Spencer.

His mother Debbie phoned M&S to complain when Jacob's Superman outfit, a birthday present bought online by his aunt, arrived in the post minus the necessary yellow belt.

Instead of a quick chat to resolve the problem she found herself involved in a farcical scene when the member of staff insisted he could speak only to Jacob because of 'data protection laws'.

'The whole thing was just so bizarre,' said Mrs Lamb, 33, a mother of three from Lincoln.

'They said because of data protection they had to speak to the recipient of the present. I said, "OK but he is only seven and out playing in the garden".'

Jacob managed to confirm his name to the customer services operative but became confused when asked for his address and postcode.

'He only knew the house number but not our street or town,' said Mrs Lamb, who also has a daughter Chloe, eight, and son Tom, two.

'He just went blank. I had to whisper the address to him. It's madness really. Jacob was very confused. He doesn't get many phone calls and nobody had ever asked him for his postcode before. It's never featured in his little world.'

After completing the check on his personal information, Jacob had to be coaxed into giving permission for his mother to take over the call.

Unsure if his ordeal was over, he then asked her if he could go back to playing with his friends before returning to the garden.

Mrs Lamb, who is married to Jacob's stepfather Danny Lamb, a 28-year-old civil engineer, said the member of staff was apologetic and embarrassed and revealed he had even had to speak to a four-year-old before.

Marks and Spencer yesterday said it would be apologising to Mrs Lamb for what it described as 'human error'.

A spokesman said: 'What happened here was, we admit, entirely our fault. It was a one-off human error and we have reminded staff of the correct way to handle this situation.

'Under the Data Protection Act it is necessary for us to talk to the person whose details we have.

'In this situation, we needed to speak to the aunt who ordered the suit or, if re-sending, then the person whose address that is.

' The operative obviously thought because it was for a little boy it should be checked with him but that's not what you do when it involves a minor.'

The Data Protection Act does not specify a minimum age when businesses need to check information with children.

But the Information Commissioner's Office suggests a ' commonsense' approach and has issued guidelines stating parents or guardians should act on behalf of anyone under 12.

Sadly for Jacob, M&S has been unable to find a replacement belt as it has no more stock of the Superman costume.

But it has sent him a free Incredible Hulk outfit instead.

Ah, Commonsense, Sadly a possess lacking in many parts of our daily lives.
The times you read about bad practice/mistakes/lack of response in our services both private and public (mainly public) being put out to the general public by person or persons who are the recipients of such service. The immediate response from these often correctly miligned bodies is, ' Due to data protection or client/patient confidentiality we can not comment. No doubt as the receivers of this bad practice have gone public in the first place all it requires is for an approach to be made asking if the person or persons effected would allow public exposure. No doubt as they have gone public in the first place such disclosure would be welcomed.
Data protection, client confidentiality is the best defense since, The fault lies with a computer error.

I remember lambasting a council grasscutter for cutting the verge outside my home to within 2 feet of my driveway and then attempting to leave the rest while I attempted to insert a spanner in his ear.
His explanation was that was where the map of his duties finished. I tried to explain to him that it was in fact where the grubby piece of A4 he held in his paw finished and that common sense said the extra 2 feet were included. This was ignored on the basis of deafness brought on by a lack of overtime.
Several months of arguing led me to threaten to withhold my council tax. I was told specific legislation made withholding the tax due to non delivered services was a criminal offence.
I offered to send the council a bill for my professional services. I hadn't done anything for them, but what the hell, I had to pay their bill.
I am now excommunictaed from the council on the basis of asking them to do what I pay for, and my house appears on maps marked "here be dragons".
The grass is still not cut, but Yorkshire Water have threatened legal action against the council as they cannot access my water meter, due to a small rainforest.
Quite touching that someone not party to my contract with the council can sue for non performance, so they can get their pound of flesh out of me.

On an unrelated note, the wife swerved to avoid a squirrel today, and even managed to avoid the tree and group of golfers who were stupid enough to stand around on a golf course where the wife was likely to drive.
I remarked that Darwin had it right and if the squirrel did not move, it was not fit to survive and pass on its genes. The wife argued that whatever Darwin may claim, they are all Gods creatures and we should try not to turn them into a damp squeak. She claimed she had done this numerous times for all kinds of animals (though not youths in baseball caps, obviously). This bothers me.
Either God is more than a little careless with his pets and should be reported to the RSPCA forthwith, or the RSPCA ignores such acts and is in fact a religious organisation.
I am comfortable with the idea of the PDSA offering cough medicine to pigeons on cold winters mornings, but the idea of secret sects of feral cats gathering to pray and drink alter wine each weekend in front of an RSPCA high priest is a little unnerving.
Is it just coincidence that BATmans favourite saying was Holy Cow?
I think not. Another conspiracy for Maestro to get his teeth into.

Hi Alan,

Surprised you did not mention those pigeons with a death wish that just squat down in front of vehicles early morning.
They all obviously have either the IQ of a Labour Voter or the bottle to play chicken, (get it! pigeon playing chicken, well it's not bad for early on a Monday morning) to the ultimate.
I have suggested to the Highways Authority that where this problem is prevalent they erect signs warning drivers that 'Slow' 'Pigeons may be in the road'.
I have cited the European Health and Safety Act, so after setting up a review body to tour the country counting road squatting pigeons, I am expecting immediate action.

The London Stock Exchange are currently experiencing problems which is affecting all suppliers. The LSE have suspended all prices. An auction will be held at restart.

Is this the Russians, Al Kida, Alex Salmon, (Scottish National Party) aliens, Does this mean Armageddon?
Or is it Gordon Brown and Co having made the UK bankrupt ordered the closure of the LSE and therefor the suspension of trade whilst they secretly cash in all their shares and leave the country for a non domicile tax haven before anyone notices.
And whats the auction for, GB perhaps. The end is nigh, Doomed, we are all doomed.

All the maintenance men have run for their bunker in readiness for Wednesday,so don't expect any prices until the big bang goes off.

I wonder if they have tried clearing cookies and then logging out and back in again. It usually works with MoneyAm.
Perhaps Ian and co should give them a bell.

lol

You couldn't make it up.

According to The Daily Telegraph, 2 illegal immigrants were found in the boot of a car when it was stopped and searched at Dover. They were leaving the UK because of this countries economic downturn.
They were subsequently deported.
So let me get this right. If they had not been found then the cost to the taxpayer, (us) would have been zilch. But as they were found and deported the cost of the deportation will be paid by the taxpayer.
The driver of the car and his friend were prosecuted for attempting to smuggle the 2 men out of the country.
Now I just wonder how France/Germany/Italy and our other EU partners, would have dealt with the same situation.
No doubt they would have given the illegals a blanket to keep them warm on the journey, tea and biscuits for the voyage, and patted the driver and friend on the back and asked them if they could fit any more in the boot.
The world has truly gone mad.