Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

On the 10th September the first attempt to circulate a beam in CERN's Large Hadron Collider (LHC) will be made.

The LHC is the world's most powerful particle accelerator and is housed in a 27 Kilometre tunnel. It is comprised of 8 sectors, which each operate at 1.9 degrees above Absolute Zero (-271deg C).

To power it up they have to start all the circuits of each sector and then synchronise the eight sectors in unison so that it can operate as a single machine. Once this is done and the wholething is commissioned, they start to collide some LHC beams, which are accelerated to boost their energy levels.

This is when research into particle physics begins to enter a new frontier.

Some say these guys will create some Black Holes and we will all disappear into them. Others say these kinds of collisions are happening all the time and stuff, including any Black Holes, just evaporates. Well they would, wouldn't they? I mean it just stands to reason that they will evaporate. Any fool can work that out.

Anyhow, just in case they don't, they have built this collider thing in two countries, (Switzerland and France) not just one. So if we do all disappear into a Black Hole, it will be even more difficult to sue the bastards who were in charge of building it in the first place!

Ah well. We shall soon know the answer to the origin of the universe.

I always thought it was "42".

Here's some more explanatory stuff on it:

CERN Rap from Will Barras on Vimeo.

The great thing about it is that if we do all disappear into a black hole it will no doubt happen instantaneously. See you inside Doc.

Some pictures to make you feel humble and which are of bodies right at the opposite end of the size scale to the stuff going on in the Large Hadron Collider above.

The last one contains a picture of Antares, which is the 15th brightest star in the sky and about 1000 Light Years away.

Had to smile when I read this. Aw. Little love. :-)

And if you're a news journalist or a newspaper editor, you have to think of a headline. Can you think of a good one?

Cappuccino with an extra shot, please

Here's another good one, but I do admit to cribbing it:

"When you stop for a number two, Starbucks can cause a career review."

And I thought that Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling had already created a black hole. Wish they would both disappear into it.

From http://www.dailymail.co.uk/....

M&S refuses to speak to mum about 7-year-old son's faulty Superman suit because it would 'breach his data protection rights'

By Andrew Levy
5th September 2008

Given a handy sofa to jump off, seven-year-old Jacob Hunter-Lamb can fly through the air just like his hero Superman.

Unfortunately, however, his superpowers do not yet extend to dealing on the phone with a customer services operative from Marks & Spencer.

His mother Debbie phoned M&S to complain when Jacob's Superman outfit, a birthday present bought online by his aunt, arrived in the post minus the necessary yellow belt.

Instead of a quick chat to resolve the problem she found herself involved in a farcical scene when the member of staff insisted he could speak only to Jacob because of 'data protection laws'.

'The whole thing was just so bizarre,' said Mrs Lamb, 33, a mother of three from Lincoln.

'They said because of data protection they had to speak to the recipient of the present. I said, "OK but he is only seven and out playing in the garden".'

Jacob managed to confirm his name to the customer services operative but became confused when asked for his address and postcode.

'He only knew the house number but not our street or town,' said Mrs Lamb, who also has a daughter Chloe, eight, and son Tom, two.

'He just went blank. I had to whisper the address to him. It's madness really. Jacob was very confused. He doesn't get many phone calls and nobody had ever asked him for his postcode before. It's never featured in his little world.'

After completing the check on his personal information, Jacob had to be coaxed into giving permission for his mother to take over the call.

Unsure if his ordeal was over, he then asked her if he could go back to playing with his friends before returning to the garden.

Mrs Lamb, who is married to Jacob's stepfather Danny Lamb, a 28-year-old civil engineer, said the member of staff was apologetic and embarrassed and revealed he had even had to speak to a four-year-old before.

Marks and Spencer yesterday said it would be apologising to Mrs Lamb for what it described as 'human error'.

A spokesman said: 'What happened here was, we admit, entirely our fault. It was a one-off human error and we have reminded staff of the correct way to handle this situation.

'Under the Data Protection Act it is necessary for us to talk to the person whose details we have.

'In this situation, we needed to speak to the aunt who ordered the suit or, if re-sending, then the person whose address that is.

' The operative obviously thought because it was for a little boy it should be checked with him but that's not what you do when it involves a minor.'

The Data Protection Act does not specify a minimum age when businesses need to check information with children.

But the Information Commissioner's Office suggests a ' commonsense' approach and has issued guidelines stating parents or guardians should act on behalf of anyone under 12.

Sadly for Jacob, M&S has been unable to find a replacement belt as it has no more stock of the Superman costume.

But it has sent him a free Incredible Hulk outfit instead.

Ah, Commonsense, Sadly a possess lacking in many parts of our daily lives.
The times you read about bad practice/mistakes/lack of response in our services both private and public (mainly public) being put out to the general public by person or persons who are the recipients of such service. The immediate response from these often correctly miligned bodies is, ' Due to data protection or client/patient confidentiality we can not comment. No doubt as the receivers of this bad practice have gone public in the first place all it requires is for an approach to be made asking if the person or persons effected would allow public exposure. No doubt as they have gone public in the first place such disclosure would be welcomed.
Data protection, client confidentiality is the best defense since, The fault lies with a computer error.

I remember lambasting a council grasscutter for cutting the verge outside my home to within 2 feet of my driveway and then attempting to leave the rest while I attempted to insert a spanner in his ear.
His explanation was that was where the map of his duties finished. I tried to explain to him that it was in fact where the grubby piece of A4 he held in his paw finished and that common sense said the extra 2 feet were included. This was ignored on the basis of deafness brought on by a lack of overtime.
Several months of arguing led me to threaten to withhold my council tax. I was told specific legislation made withholding the tax due to non delivered services was a criminal offence.
I offered to send the council a bill for my professional services. I hadn't done anything for them, but what the hell, I had to pay their bill.
I am now excommunictaed from the council on the basis of asking them to do what I pay for, and my house appears on maps marked "here be dragons".
The grass is still not cut, but Yorkshire Water have threatened legal action against the council as they cannot access my water meter, due to a small rainforest.
Quite touching that someone not party to my contract with the council can sue for non performance, so they can get their pound of flesh out of me.

On an unrelated note, the wife swerved to avoid a squirrel today, and even managed to avoid the tree and group of golfers who were stupid enough to stand around on a golf course where the wife was likely to drive.
I remarked that Darwin had it right and if the squirrel did not move, it was not fit to survive and pass on its genes. The wife argued that whatever Darwin may claim, they are all Gods creatures and we should try not to turn them into a damp squeak. She claimed she had done this numerous times for all kinds of animals (though not youths in baseball caps, obviously). This bothers me.
Either God is more than a little careless with his pets and should be reported to the RSPCA forthwith, or the RSPCA ignores such acts and is in fact a religious organisation.
I am comfortable with the idea of the PDSA offering cough medicine to pigeons on cold winters mornings, but the idea of secret sects of feral cats gathering to pray and drink alter wine each weekend in front of an RSPCA high priest is a little unnerving.
Is it just coincidence that BATmans favourite saying was Holy Cow?
I think not. Another conspiracy for Maestro to get his teeth into.

Hi Alan,

Surprised you did not mention those pigeons with a death wish that just squat down in front of vehicles early morning.
They all obviously have either the IQ of a Labour Voter or the bottle to play chicken, (get it! pigeon playing chicken, well it's not bad for early on a Monday morning) to the ultimate.
I have suggested to the Highways Authority that where this problem is prevalent they erect signs warning drivers that 'Slow' 'Pigeons may be in the road'.
I have cited the European Health and Safety Act, so after setting up a review body to tour the country counting road squatting pigeons, I am expecting immediate action.

The London Stock Exchange are currently experiencing problems which is affecting all suppliers. The LSE have suspended all prices. An auction will be held at restart.

Is this the Russians, Al Kida, Alex Salmon, (Scottish National Party) aliens, Does this mean Armageddon?
Or is it Gordon Brown and Co having made the UK bankrupt ordered the closure of the LSE and therefor the suspension of trade whilst they secretly cash in all their shares and leave the country for a non domicile tax haven before anyone notices.
And whats the auction for, GB perhaps. The end is nigh, Doomed, we are all doomed.

All the maintenance men have run for their bunker in readiness for Wednesday,so don't expect any prices until the big bang goes off.

I wonder if they have tried clearing cookies and then logging out and back in again. It usually works with MoneyAm.
Perhaps Ian and co should give them a bell.

lol

You couldn't make it up.

According to The Daily Telegraph, 2 illegal immigrants were found in the boot of a car when it was stopped and searched at Dover. They were leaving the UK because of this countries economic downturn.
They were subsequently deported.
So let me get this right. If they had not been found then the cost to the taxpayer, (us) would have been zilch. But as they were found and deported the cost of the deportation will be paid by the taxpayer.
The driver of the car and his friend were prosecuted for attempting to smuggle the 2 men out of the country.
Now I just wonder how France/Germany/Italy and our other EU partners, would have dealt with the same situation.
No doubt they would have given the illegals a blanket to keep them warm on the journey, tea and biscuits for the voyage, and patted the driver and friend on the back and asked them if they could fit any more in the boot.
The world has truly gone mad.

Hot news from CERN and the LHC..........

Early results of the experiment have led the Vatican to do a very hasty rewrite of Genesis, based on new scientific knowledge and modern ethics. I have been lucky enough to see a proof version of the first bit...............

In the begining there was nothing. Which exploded.
God was caught out by the flying shrapnel and said "Let there be low voltage energy efficient lighting", and lo, there was a carbon neutral sun. God saw this was good, but looked a bit odd with the old fashioned lightshade.
On the second day God created the Earth because he fancied a bit of a garden. After a fall out with Satan, he consulted Goldilocks and the earth was created, not too hot, and not too cold, but just right.
On the third day he thought a pet would be nice too, but the animal sub-committee of the Earth (bio-diversity) committee could not quite work out what the best animal would be and created loads of them, though the duck billed platypus was never claimed by any member.
Day 4 was a bit rushed (which explains a lot of our history) as he had to do the rest a bit sharpish so as not to infringe with the working time directives. He created Man, and due to a cash shortage he couldn't afford the arm and a leg most women cost and had to make do with a rib.
On day 5 the Universe Creation Company Inc. sacked him. He appealed on the grounds of his outstanding works, citing Tuscany and southern France, but the defence showed Birmingham and Australia and the case of shoddy workmanship was proven.
A case was brought against him by the Health and Safety Board for building a planet in the path of orbiting asteroids, and making paper that cuts people so painfully.
God has long retired from the godding business and sold his interests in project earth to Bill Gates, who is financed by Satan, who made his money in the estate agency business. They have built a super fast particle collider, which will either give Bill a rival to the internet to flog to people or wipe the whole sorry episode out so Satan can have a crack.
Because of this, there will be no update to the remainder of the old testament, or any revision of the new testament. Instead we suggest you skip straight to revelations which is now about a computer game called armeggedon - end of days, and is available as a download from Microsoft.com

Brilliant Alan, but if I were you, I wouldn't go out in a thunderstorm for a while!

Beware Alan,

As from now you will be on the hit list of all god fearing religious groups, (never understood that term (God Fearing).
I have heard on the grapevine that the following are arranging contracts.
At least it takes the pressure off Salmon Rushdie.

Christianity: 2.1 billion
Islam: 1.5 billion
Secular/Nonreligious/Agnostic/Atheist: 1.1 billion
Hinduism: 900 million
Chinese traditional religion: 394 million
Buddhism: 376 million
primal-indigenous: 300 million
African Traditional & Diasporic: 100 million
Sikhism: 23 million
Juche: 19 million
Spiritism: 15 million
Judaism: 14 million
Baha'i: 7 million
Jainism: 4.2 million
Shinto: 4 million
Cao Dai: 4 million
Zoroastrianism: 2.6 million
Tenrikyo: 2 million
Neo-Paganism: 1 million
Unitarian-Universalism: 800 thousand
Rastafarianism: 600 thousand
Scientology: 500 thousand

But on a serious note.
As most of these groups hate each other, some to the point of wanting to totally wipe out the opposition is it no wonder that the world has so much violence.
I have always been an atheist, as I can't find a religion that combines, free sex and booze, no fasting, no hymns, prayers, sermons or financial collections.
Anyone out there who knows such a religion, please post asap as I am sure there will be a waiting list once news gets out.

Footnote.
By the way Alan on what day did God create Kev?

Being an athiest is a religion. That is why, for example, so many scientists who are athiests attack those who don't believe in evolution. It is amazing how ofter they talk about "believing" in evolution. So don't fool yourself, if you are an athiest you have a religion. The queation is: "Is athiesm the one true religion or are you in for a nasty shock after you die" Did Jesus rise from the dead or did he not?


On a more 'serious' note, I think that we all could have designed women better! My personal suggestion to God would have been the provision of a remote control to give us men the ability to turn off the sound, switch shopping mode to sex mode etc.