Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

I remember lambasting a council grasscutter for cutting the verge outside my home to within 2 feet of my driveway and then attempting to leave the rest while I attempted to insert a spanner in his ear.
His explanation was that was where the map of his duties finished. I tried to explain to him that it was in fact where the grubby piece of A4 he held in his paw finished and that common sense said the extra 2 feet were included. This was ignored on the basis of deafness brought on by a lack of overtime.
Several months of arguing led me to threaten to withhold my council tax. I was told specific legislation made withholding the tax due to non delivered services was a criminal offence.
I offered to send the council a bill for my professional services. I hadn't done anything for them, but what the hell, I had to pay their bill.
I am now excommunictaed from the council on the basis of asking them to do what I pay for, and my house appears on maps marked "here be dragons".
The grass is still not cut, but Yorkshire Water have threatened legal action against the council as they cannot access my water meter, due to a small rainforest.
Quite touching that someone not party to my contract with the council can sue for non performance, so they can get their pound of flesh out of me.

On an unrelated note, the wife swerved to avoid a squirrel today, and even managed to avoid the tree and group of golfers who were stupid enough to stand around on a golf course where the wife was likely to drive.
I remarked that Darwin had it right and if the squirrel did not move, it was not fit to survive and pass on its genes. The wife argued that whatever Darwin may claim, they are all Gods creatures and we should try not to turn them into a damp squeak. She claimed she had done this numerous times for all kinds of animals (though not youths in baseball caps, obviously). This bothers me.
Either God is more than a little careless with his pets and should be reported to the RSPCA forthwith, or the RSPCA ignores such acts and is in fact a religious organisation.
I am comfortable with the idea of the PDSA offering cough medicine to pigeons on cold winters mornings, but the idea of secret sects of feral cats gathering to pray and drink alter wine each weekend in front of an RSPCA high priest is a little unnerving.
Is it just coincidence that BATmans favourite saying was Holy Cow?
I think not. Another conspiracy for Maestro to get his teeth into.

Hi Alan,

Surprised you did not mention those pigeons with a death wish that just squat down in front of vehicles early morning.
They all obviously have either the IQ of a Labour Voter or the bottle to play chicken, (get it! pigeon playing chicken, well it's not bad for early on a Monday morning) to the ultimate.
I have suggested to the Highways Authority that where this problem is prevalent they erect signs warning drivers that 'Slow' 'Pigeons may be in the road'.
I have cited the European Health and Safety Act, so after setting up a review body to tour the country counting road squatting pigeons, I am expecting immediate action.

The London Stock Exchange are currently experiencing problems which is affecting all suppliers. The LSE have suspended all prices. An auction will be held at restart.

Is this the Russians, Al Kida, Alex Salmon, (Scottish National Party) aliens, Does this mean Armageddon?
Or is it Gordon Brown and Co having made the UK bankrupt ordered the closure of the LSE and therefor the suspension of trade whilst they secretly cash in all their shares and leave the country for a non domicile tax haven before anyone notices.
And whats the auction for, GB perhaps. The end is nigh, Doomed, we are all doomed.

All the maintenance men have run for their bunker in readiness for Wednesday,so don't expect any prices until the big bang goes off.

I wonder if they have tried clearing cookies and then logging out and back in again. It usually works with MoneyAm.
Perhaps Ian and co should give them a bell.

lol

You couldn't make it up.

According to The Daily Telegraph, 2 illegal immigrants were found in the boot of a car when it was stopped and searched at Dover. They were leaving the UK because of this countries economic downturn.
They were subsequently deported.
So let me get this right. If they had not been found then the cost to the taxpayer, (us) would have been zilch. But as they were found and deported the cost of the deportation will be paid by the taxpayer.
The driver of the car and his friend were prosecuted for attempting to smuggle the 2 men out of the country.
Now I just wonder how France/Germany/Italy and our other EU partners, would have dealt with the same situation.
No doubt they would have given the illegals a blanket to keep them warm on the journey, tea and biscuits for the voyage, and patted the driver and friend on the back and asked them if they could fit any more in the boot.
The world has truly gone mad.

Hot news from CERN and the LHC..........

Early results of the experiment have led the Vatican to do a very hasty rewrite of Genesis, based on new scientific knowledge and modern ethics. I have been lucky enough to see a proof version of the first bit...............

In the begining there was nothing. Which exploded.
God was caught out by the flying shrapnel and said "Let there be low voltage energy efficient lighting", and lo, there was a carbon neutral sun. God saw this was good, but looked a bit odd with the old fashioned lightshade.
On the second day God created the Earth because he fancied a bit of a garden. After a fall out with Satan, he consulted Goldilocks and the earth was created, not too hot, and not too cold, but just right.
On the third day he thought a pet would be nice too, but the animal sub-committee of the Earth (bio-diversity) committee could not quite work out what the best animal would be and created loads of them, though the duck billed platypus was never claimed by any member.
Day 4 was a bit rushed (which explains a lot of our history) as he had to do the rest a bit sharpish so as not to infringe with the working time directives. He created Man, and due to a cash shortage he couldn't afford the arm and a leg most women cost and had to make do with a rib.
On day 5 the Universe Creation Company Inc. sacked him. He appealed on the grounds of his outstanding works, citing Tuscany and southern France, but the defence showed Birmingham and Australia and the case of shoddy workmanship was proven.
A case was brought against him by the Health and Safety Board for building a planet in the path of orbiting asteroids, and making paper that cuts people so painfully.
God has long retired from the godding business and sold his interests in project earth to Bill Gates, who is financed by Satan, who made his money in the estate agency business. They have built a super fast particle collider, which will either give Bill a rival to the internet to flog to people or wipe the whole sorry episode out so Satan can have a crack.
Because of this, there will be no update to the remainder of the old testament, or any revision of the new testament. Instead we suggest you skip straight to revelations which is now about a computer game called armeggedon - end of days, and is available as a download from Microsoft.com

Brilliant Alan, but if I were you, I wouldn't go out in a thunderstorm for a while!

Beware Alan,

As from now you will be on the hit list of all god fearing religious groups, (never understood that term (God Fearing).
I have heard on the grapevine that the following are arranging contracts.
At least it takes the pressure off Salmon Rushdie.

Christianity: 2.1 billion
Islam: 1.5 billion
Secular/Nonreligious/Agnostic/Atheist: 1.1 billion
Hinduism: 900 million
Chinese traditional religion: 394 million
Buddhism: 376 million
primal-indigenous: 300 million
African Traditional & Diasporic: 100 million
Sikhism: 23 million
Juche: 19 million
Spiritism: 15 million
Judaism: 14 million
Baha'i: 7 million
Jainism: 4.2 million
Shinto: 4 million
Cao Dai: 4 million
Zoroastrianism: 2.6 million
Tenrikyo: 2 million
Neo-Paganism: 1 million
Unitarian-Universalism: 800 thousand
Rastafarianism: 600 thousand
Scientology: 500 thousand

But on a serious note.
As most of these groups hate each other, some to the point of wanting to totally wipe out the opposition is it no wonder that the world has so much violence.
I have always been an atheist, as I can't find a religion that combines, free sex and booze, no fasting, no hymns, prayers, sermons or financial collections.
Anyone out there who knows such a religion, please post asap as I am sure there will be a waiting list once news gets out.

Footnote.
By the way Alan on what day did God create Kev?

Being an athiest is a religion. That is why, for example, so many scientists who are athiests attack those who don't believe in evolution. It is amazing how ofter they talk about "believing" in evolution. So don't fool yourself, if you are an athiest you have a religion. The queation is: "Is athiesm the one true religion or are you in for a nasty shock after you die" Did Jesus rise from the dead or did he not?


On a more 'serious' note, I think that we all could have designed women better! My personal suggestion to God would have been the provision of a remote control to give us men the ability to turn off the sound, switch shopping mode to sex mode etc.

Asked how high gas and oil prices could be affected by a harsh winter, Mark Owen-Lloyd, the E.ON's senior executive and lead power and carbon trader, quipped: "It will make more money for us."

Hmmm?

Some of us will remember reading back in July this year, how Walter Bargate, 84, received a final demand for 6,500 from energy company E.ON.

Poor old Walter was wrongly billed this 6500. The old chap, who has cataracts and clawed hands, could not get his newly installed pre-payment electricity meter to work and, having suffered two nights in a cold, dark house without power, tried to end his life two days after it was installed.

He was found in a coma at his home in Stockport, Greater Manchester, in February last year. Apparently, the pensioner had downed 100 pills and half a bottle of brandy in an attempt to kill himself over an exorbitant - and incorrect - electricity bill from E.ON

So......

I do sincerely believe the following:

1. Mark Owen Lloyd is quite definitely going to lose his job. Why? Well, he has committed a 'Ratner'. He has exhibited complete and utter insensitivity towards his company's customers.

2. E.ON are quite definitely going to lose lots and lots more customers. The flow will also turn into a torrent. This little problem is going to become absolutely massive. They might even have to change the company's name.

ExecLine,

Read the same re Owen-Lloyd, and agree with you. Sanctimonious B*****d.
EDIT....(Owen-Lloyd, not you, thought I better clarify)
It is just the same as the oil companies who although stating the have no choice in passing rising cost to the ever suffering customer make still more zillions every time so called passing the cost on go up.
The worse offender though must be the Government re the Tax/Vat on all fuel bills, gas, electric and oil/derived fuels.
If it gets much worse we could do with a French type revolution.
Time to man the barricades perhaps.
Of with their heads.

Yes. Let's man the barricades!

Because of high fuel costs, bags I help man some barricades not too far from home. And not too early in the morning, either. Oh, and please check the weather forecasts. Stuff standing around in the rain.

"5cm per second, while applying 2g of pressure per square cm is optimal"

Try Googling that. You should find it to be ultimately quite pleasurable. :-)

I appreciate that most of us are looking at a very sad portfolio of late so I have out of the kindness of my heart decided to be benevolent in my fortune of a business opportunity.
On 23rd of Sept I go on holiday to Egypt.
Whilst I am there would anyone be interested in an investment I intend to look into whilst in Egypt.
The last time I was there I met an local businessman who had purchased one of those Giza Pyramids for a song. He showed me all the relevant property deeds, with the original planning permission documents, which obviously due to their age were difficult to read. He is looking for investors to form a consortium to buy another Pyramid and is promising a mark up of at least 1,000% within 5 years due to tourism increases as tourists look at none Euro based countries for holidays. Obviously as shareholders you will have a percentage of all tourist fees.
If interested I can supply bank details for deposits. These deposits will be placed in an Egyptian Bank of course but only because I can promise any profits will be safe from tax.
No this is not a con, and its not pyramid selling.
Sorry could not resist. Case of holiday fever.

Probably as good a bet as some penny share offerings I have been offered latterly.

Don`t forget the factor 25 at least.
Have a great holiday, and I hope you don`t get stranded when your holiday company goes bust.
Cheers.

Thanks Porky,

When I first read, "Don't forget the factor 25" I immediately thought it was a new form of investment trading tool.
Going with TUI so if they go bust, don't think it will be worth coming back as the market as a whole would be down the pan.
Strange that XL seized trading due to financial problems and yet our illustrious Government which is both financially and morally bankrupt still continues to trade and borrow.

The week that was.

Monday ..... raining hard, portfolio down, market system crashed.
Tues .... still raining, portfolio still down.
Wed ..... Ditto.
Thurs ..... Well you guess!
Friday ..... raining even harder, portfolio down even further, (wish the market system had cashed).
I think my money went down that big black hole that the scientists said would not materialize.
I blame that Large Hadron Collider thingy.
Someone else must be to blame after all lets face it in todays world it cant be my fault due to my investment strategy, can it?