Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Very good, clever and funny, but someone else found it before you. Now we know where GB and AD put all the countries money.

Britney doing "Womanizer" - at the Bambi Awards in Offenberg, Germany - where Karl Lagerfeld gave her the gong for "Best International Pop Star" :-



Britney doing 'Womanizer" - the one that got cancelled for its nude shots :-



You can watch her on 'X-Factor' on Saturday night and make an assessment to see if she's full recovered. Not with clothes, that is, but mentally and also as a performer.

A Modern Parable.

A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (Ford Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
< BR>Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddl es, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale-boosting programs and teamwork posters.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off one rower, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.

The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles,) so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year' s racing team was out-sourced to India.

Sadly, the End.

Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages.

TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US. The last quarter's results:

TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.

Ford folks are still scratching their heads, and collecting bonuses...

IF THIS WEREN'T SO TRUE IT MIGHT BE FUNNY

I remember telling this story to a senior manager, and he spotted the problem straight away.
He could not believe the yanks had been so naive in their design.
Obviously the boat was too small, and so they were managing without room for a health and safety focus group, a team of accountants and a marketing department to tell the japs how good the yanks were.
Ridiculous, he said, and thats before we even think of space for our time and motion study officers.

Been thinking again.

How has UK PLC ended up bankrupt?

Once upon a time, a countries wealth was measured by its gold reserves. The gold standard. We didn't exactly abandon this, we just moved the gold from vaults in the Royal Mint, to ostentatious chains around the necks of rap stars and chavs.
Now the value of a chav is slightly less than that of a rotted sock, so we end up with a country worth a little more than a cuttle fish.
Our capital was London. Now its about 3.50.
So let us move to another standard, rather than gold.
Let us adopt the crime standard. In this we are surely world leaders. The value of the country would be based on the amount of crime commited and drugs dealt. End of problem, particularly if there was a bonus standard for crimes commited by MP's and high ranking government officials.
The only problem is we would have to get rid of Brown, Cameron and the rest, otherwise they would use the sudden influx of wealth to employ millions of coppers to stamp out crime.

Are the Health and Safety executive going too far.

Purchased some firelighters today.

On the box. WARNING... Keep away from naked flame.

Q. OK then how do I light them?
Answers on a postcard please.

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost...
He reduced his altitude and saw a man below
"Excuse me but can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but
I don't know where I am" he said
The man below replied "You are in a hot air balloon
hovering approximately 30 ft above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and
between 56 and 57 degrees West longitude."
To which the balloonist replied
"You must be a broker." To which the man on the ground said:
"I am, but how did you know?"
The reply came from above "Everything you told me is
technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your
information and the fact is I'm still lost.
Frankly you've not been much help so far."
The man below responded "You must be a trader."
To which the balloonist replied "Yes, I am but how did you know?"
To which the man on the ground said: "You don't know where you
are or where you are going You have risen to your current position
due to a large quantity of hot air You made a promise which you have
no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem
The fact isyou are in exactly the same position you were in
before we met but now somehow it's my fault."

Tabasco,

Absolutely brilliant with a very strong truth line.

How about his for a wasted opportunity.

According to todays Daily Telegraph, the NHS recorded a surplus last year of 2.1bn. The Department of Health stated that it was up to individual trusts to decide how the surplus would be used for the benefit of patients.
Just think 2,100,000,000.
Lets look at a couple of options.

Option A....Spend some of this on patients re improving operating list by shortening them (more operations). Buying more up to date equipment, drugs.
Recruiting more staff, such as Nurses, Doctors, Specialists. (not admin staff).
Improving wards and the like, spending more on life saving technologies.

Option B....Spend all of it on plush new offices for the top heavy administration.
New carpets, expensive wallpaper, furniture perhaps.
And of course not forgetting all those extra overseas (I understand the Bahamas are nice this time of year) conferences that are essential for the understanding of these job worthies.

Call me a cynic (yes I know someone will) but option B looks a certain bet.

Option C...... hire a consultant (Me) to help them spend the money on plush offices, overseas conferences etc. without getting the blame themselves. (My fees would be a very reasonable 1%)

I bought a Woolies own brand frying pan this morning. It looks like a great bargain with its 25 year guarantee so if the non-stick surface goes in 20 years I will be able to take it back for a replacement or sue them for misselling or offering fraudulent guarantees.

We buy our frying pans from Waitrose.

Hmmm? Actually, I'm not actually sure we have a frying pan, actually. I'll make a note to ask cook.

You can't be British and not have a frying pan! How is a man meant to cook when the wife is away without a frying pan?!


Does Waitrose offer a 25 year guarantee like Woolies does? If not you could be in serious trouble if the non stick surface goes in 22 years! Then again if you are in your eighties you might not care! If you can afford to shop in Waitrose you probably don't care anyway!

Not British!

Moi? Mon Dieu! Sacre bleu!

Course we are! My missus cooks our curry proper, an' in a wok, not a bleedin' fryin' pan, mate! Cor blimey! 'Struth!

:-)

Whats a frying pan?

Peter, when Wendy isn't around to do the cooking?

FRYING PAN c/o Wikipedia;

This is an acient Chinese God, presumably based on the first Chinese contact with the ancient Greeks.
Pan is half man half horse, but the horse half has mutated ala pegasus, giving him the ability to fly.
It is thought that the idea of a flying horse is why Chinese ladies in ancient pottery from the ping dynasty always carry an umbrella.
Some scholars believe that the bluebirds depicted on the famous Chinese design for cheap plates from the market, are in fact, a pair of frying pans in the distance, not bluebirds close up.

Poor Woolies, though. End of the frying pan era. They just haven't moved and kept breasts with The Times.

By the way, moving stores a bit....I was gob smacked when, passing the magazine rack in Sainsbury's, I spotted a Zoo magazine on the top shelf, like what you do.

Why? Well, the feature for this issue is Rebecca Loos with lots of nude shots. And very tasteful ones too.

How do I know? Why was I gob smacked?

Well, as I walked past, I said to wifey, pointing to said Zoo magazine and with a cheeky grin, "There you are, love. If you want to buy me a nice treat, you can get me one of those."

Without more ado, she reaches up and grabs one and starts thumbing through it. I know we have both been intrigued as to whether or not young Rebecca did it or not with our hero, David Beckham. If she did do it with him, well, yes, she is extremely tasty looking, even if she is a bit wierd.

Anyhow, naturally, I looked over her shoulder. But....NO! She didn't buy one for me. Awww. :-(

Ah well. I shall continue to dream on.

Did she buy you a frying pan Exec? You can fry a horse in one apparently, but only if you have an umbrella. Am I reading too quickly? Dunno, anyway I'm off to the loo to see if I can find Rebecca; she's in there somewhere - apparently.

Re my post 7296.

I see that with the obvious high levels of IQ out there, no one has solved my problem of lighting fire lighters whilst keeping them away from naked flame.