Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Are the Health and Safety executive going too far.

Purchased some firelighters today.

On the box. WARNING... Keep away from naked flame.

Q. OK then how do I light them?
Answers on a postcard please.

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost...
He reduced his altitude and saw a man below
"Excuse me but can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but
I don't know where I am" he said
The man below replied "You are in a hot air balloon
hovering approximately 30 ft above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and
between 56 and 57 degrees West longitude."
To which the balloonist replied
"You must be a broker." To which the man on the ground said:
"I am, but how did you know?"
The reply came from above "Everything you told me is
technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your
information and the fact is I'm still lost.
Frankly you've not been much help so far."
The man below responded "You must be a trader."
To which the balloonist replied "Yes, I am but how did you know?"
To which the man on the ground said: "You don't know where you
are or where you are going You have risen to your current position
due to a large quantity of hot air You made a promise which you have
no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem
The fact isyou are in exactly the same position you were in
before we met but now somehow it's my fault."

Tabasco,

Absolutely brilliant with a very strong truth line.

How about his for a wasted opportunity.

According to todays Daily Telegraph, the NHS recorded a surplus last year of 2.1bn. The Department of Health stated that it was up to individual trusts to decide how the surplus would be used for the benefit of patients.
Just think 2,100,000,000.
Lets look at a couple of options.

Option A....Spend some of this on patients re improving operating list by shortening them (more operations). Buying more up to date equipment, drugs.
Recruiting more staff, such as Nurses, Doctors, Specialists. (not admin staff).
Improving wards and the like, spending more on life saving technologies.

Option B....Spend all of it on plush new offices for the top heavy administration.
New carpets, expensive wallpaper, furniture perhaps.
And of course not forgetting all those extra overseas (I understand the Bahamas are nice this time of year) conferences that are essential for the understanding of these job worthies.

Call me a cynic (yes I know someone will) but option B looks a certain bet.

Option C...... hire a consultant (Me) to help them spend the money on plush offices, overseas conferences etc. without getting the blame themselves. (My fees would be a very reasonable 1%)

I bought a Woolies own brand frying pan this morning. It looks like a great bargain with its 25 year guarantee so if the non-stick surface goes in 20 years I will be able to take it back for a replacement or sue them for misselling or offering fraudulent guarantees.

We buy our frying pans from Waitrose.

Hmmm? Actually, I'm not actually sure we have a frying pan, actually. I'll make a note to ask cook.

You can't be British and not have a frying pan! How is a man meant to cook when the wife is away without a frying pan?!


Does Waitrose offer a 25 year guarantee like Woolies does? If not you could be in serious trouble if the non stick surface goes in 22 years! Then again if you are in your eighties you might not care! If you can afford to shop in Waitrose you probably don't care anyway!

Not British!

Moi? Mon Dieu! Sacre bleu!

Course we are! My missus cooks our curry proper, an' in a wok, not a bleedin' fryin' pan, mate! Cor blimey! 'Struth!

:-)

Whats a frying pan?

Peter, when Wendy isn't around to do the cooking?

FRYING PAN c/o Wikipedia;

This is an acient Chinese God, presumably based on the first Chinese contact with the ancient Greeks.
Pan is half man half horse, but the horse half has mutated ala pegasus, giving him the ability to fly.
It is thought that the idea of a flying horse is why Chinese ladies in ancient pottery from the ping dynasty always carry an umbrella.
Some scholars believe that the bluebirds depicted on the famous Chinese design for cheap plates from the market, are in fact, a pair of frying pans in the distance, not bluebirds close up.

Poor Woolies, though. End of the frying pan era. They just haven't moved and kept breasts with The Times.

By the way, moving stores a bit....I was gob smacked when, passing the magazine rack in Sainsbury's, I spotted a Zoo magazine on the top shelf, like what you do.

Why? Well, the feature for this issue is Rebecca Loos with lots of nude shots. And very tasteful ones too.

How do I know? Why was I gob smacked?

Well, as I walked past, I said to wifey, pointing to said Zoo magazine and with a cheeky grin, "There you are, love. If you want to buy me a nice treat, you can get me one of those."

Without more ado, she reaches up and grabs one and starts thumbing through it. I know we have both been intrigued as to whether or not young Rebecca did it or not with our hero, David Beckham. If she did do it with him, well, yes, she is extremely tasty looking, even if she is a bit wierd.

Anyhow, naturally, I looked over her shoulder. But....NO! She didn't buy one for me. Awww. :-(

Ah well. I shall continue to dream on.

Did she buy you a frying pan Exec? You can fry a horse in one apparently, but only if you have an umbrella. Am I reading too quickly? Dunno, anyway I'm off to the loo to see if I can find Rebecca; she's in there somewhere - apparently.

Re my post 7296.

I see that with the obvious high levels of IQ out there, no one has solved my problem of lighting fire lighters whilst keeping them away from naked flame.

Last night I dreamed I went to Mandalay again........

Greekman you wouldnt want to get a spark near petrol.but if you dont... your car wont start?

OK Oblomov, I give up. Thought your reference to Mandalay was a cryptic clue re my question, but could only find the following reference to fire of any kind. Nothing about fire lighters though.
Rudyard Kipling's Road to Mandalay.
An' I seed her first a-smokin' of a whackin' white cheroot.

Did I miss something?

Tabasco,

Well at least one bright spark replied.

Try rubbing them together Greek. Well, it works with 2 sticks!

Hi Kimoldfield,

Used to be a boy scout and remember being expelled.
It probably was something to do with that old trick of rubbing 2 boy scouts together (or now you mention it, was it sticks, I usually got things mixed up) anyhow, I decided to take it a bit further and tried to rub a scout (me) and a guide together.
I remember a warm sort of glow and a few sparks flying, but no flame of any sort.
I don't know of anyone else getting a dishonourable discharge (no jokes please) from this organisation.
Those were the days.

greekman,
Using a distant (naked flame)- the sun
and a magnifying glass.
mac