Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Told Trev that he could claim pork scratchings and beer as allowable expenses if he were an MP.
Within 4 minutes he had scribbled out his manifesto to solve the world problems on the adverts page of Escort. He wanted to call it saving the world, but I told him Gordon Brown had taken that one, so he called it passport to prosperity.
Below is the whole of it, in full.

Today there are 6 major problems facing the world. Health, crime, education , oil shortages, climate change and everyone being short of a few quid.
My manifesto is simple and clear and addresses all 6 in a way we can all understand and support.
Firstly financial.
I would make it illegal to be Alisdair Darling. It may not help but it will win a few votes.
I would firstly get people spending again by subsidising essentials such as beer and cigs and make up for it by taxing to the hilt luxeries like soap and toothpaste.
Rather than have a chancellor, I would have the problems addressed by a panel who would each give their solution on live TV, and then let the public vote on it at a pound a minute. In the event of a tie, Simon Cowell and that Cole woman could decide. The show would be called "Britains got debt".
I would call in all the currency and replace it with lead money. This should make it much heavier and solve our balance of payments at a stroke.
All banks would be summoned to number 10. They would be held in a meeting till they promised to give money away. The meeting would be chaired by Ant & Dec, so we have pencilled in 15 minutes for it. I think that is a bit generous, but you never know.
To raise tax revenue, HMRC will be governed jointly by Lenny Henry and Bob Geldof as they have prised more money out of the public and corporations over the years than the taxman has, and are a lot cheaper.
Right, thats the money sorted, now for the other bits.

Health.
The major problem is obesity. The average westerner is 4 stones overweight. This is easily rectified and we can reduce that average figure by 92% by nuking the USA, which will get rid of tonnes of useless fat and some very dodgy hairstyles as a bonus.

Crime.
Nuking the USA will stop massive amounts of crime, too. From petty crime up to International crime.

Education.
Sounds a bit one way here, but nuking the USA will lift average intelligence and IQ a fair bit. Citizens of the USA have an IQ somewhere between a cuttlefish and a linedancer.

Oil Shortages and climate change.
Scientists disagree over the effects of climate change in the UK. We will either freeze as the gulf stream switches off, roast as we become hot and arid or drown as sea levels rise.
Fantastic.
A bit of research shows that all the oil is either in deserts, under the sea, or frozen wastelands like Alaska, so let climate change commence and we will all have shedfulls of oil. Both problems solved.

Oh, and nuke the USA cos they use all the oil anyway.

On defence, pull all our troops out of everywhere and use sattelite technology instead. Beam direct to our enemies old repeats of Loose Women and Jamie Oliver. Surrender is assured.

Vote Trev. For a passport to prosperity (and no Yanks).

Morning Alan,

Glad to hear Trev is still alive and on form. As we have not heard from him for a while (I know he is really your alta ego) I have been checking the obituaries in the Times and Daily Telegraph. I realised a few weeks ago that checking these publications was really silly as you (sorry Trev) being regular readers of either The Sun, The Daily Worker, Communist Weekly or if you are feeling very intellectual NUTS, would no doubt appear in these publications, (had a sudden horrible image of Trev as a Nuts center fold).
As I understand Trev only got a B+ in geography the problem with Trev wanting to Nuke the USA in his manifesto, is does he know where the USA is. Knowing his background of ballsing everything up, which although obviously inconvenient is as we know not an obstacle to leading the country, he could accidentally nuke several EU countries instead. Mind you that may not be such a bad idea.

By the way, I hope if Trev ever does get into power, he sets a good example of 'Backing Britain' by only taking cash for questions/lobbying on behalf of British Companies and of course only eating Pork Scratching from home reared pigs.

I have seen many examples within this last financial crisis of brokers recommendations. These organisations are paid big money for their opinions. It just goes to show how in these markets reading tea leaves, ouija board or just sticking a pin in the share pages can prove just as accurate.

03-Feb-09 BP. Collins Stewart Sell
03-Feb-09 BP. Seymour Pierce Outperform

03-Feb-09 Carpetright CPR Panmure Gordon Sell
03-Feb-09 Carpetright CPR Seymour Pierce Buy
03-Feb-09 Carpetright CPR KBC Peel Hunt Hold

So one of them will be right.

Following HM decision to stop selling Gollywogs through her chain of discount off licenses after the Carol Thatcher episode, many other trades are now following suite.

Hamleys has removed from sale the glove puppets known as Sooty & Sweep.

The Cat Fanciers Council has banned the breed Maine Coon from its register

Working Mens Clubs and pubs are now unable to sell Rum & Black

There will be no more Minstrels from Nestle, in case anyone gets confused with the 1970s TV show.

R Whites Lemonade has been summoned to a trial in Islington.

There will, doubtless be more that you lot have heard of.

Meanwhile, a very dear African friend of mine was discussing the nonsense with me yesterday. His comment?

"If my ancestors had known the trouble they were going to cause, they would have let you pick your own f...ing cotton".

Good argument......well made.

Now you see the Royal Gollies...



Now you don't...

So going out for a chinky (which whenever used in that context was never in any way derogatory) is out of the question then.
Suppose I will have to be content with a Ruby Murray in future.
The political correct brigade really wind me up. Still mustn't get in a 'Paddy'

I'm sure we are all familiar with the saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me."

So can words actually hurt you? You can call someone everything that's vulgar from a pig to a dog, and even diseased or sexually perverted versions of them too, and it isn't a crime. Push someone aggressively on the shoulder and you could get done for assault, which is a crime which can very easily carry a prison sentence. In fact, the defence for an assault charge is either of 1. It didn't happen. or 2. The act of assault was commited in self defence.

So have we got things wrong about what is and is not acceptable?

I think so.

Some of the following Cockney Rhyming Slang equivalents create a rather unique and peculiar 'BBC Green Room' problem.

Are the following occasionally just merely offensive, insulting, racist, homophobic, words or phrases to be used in private or what? Just when is this type of cultural grammar equivalent acceptable? Is it ever acceptable? Indeed, is this type of speech actually anything to do with culture?

Arse Bottle and Glass
Arse Khyber (Pass)
Balls Niagara falls
Balls Town Halls
Beers Britney (Spears)
Bent Stoke on Trent
Biggun (big one) Barry (Mcguigan)
Bike Dick Van Dyke
Bint Polo (Mint)
Bitches Ronald Riches
Bog Kermit (the Frog)
Bollocks Jackson Pollocks
Boozer (bar) Battle Cruiser
Bottle Aristotle
Bottle Jerry (Cottle)
Brandy Fine and Dandy
Breasts Georgie Bests
Bullshitter Little Critter
Bum Kingdom Come
Bum Deaf and Dumb
Bum Queen mum
Burst Geoff Hurst
Chest Bird's Nest
Chips Hairy Nips
Cider Deep sea glider
Cider Wynona Rider
Cider Shaun Ryder
Cider Easy Rider
Cigar Lar-dee-dar
Cigarette (fag) Oily Rag
Crap Pony and Trap
Crap Von Trappe
Crap Jamie Redknapp
Curry Ruby Murray
Curry Bill Murray
Dead Father Ted
Deal Ian Beale
Dope Bob Hope
Dope Pope on the rope
Drink Tiddly Wink
Drink Kitchen Sink
Drink Weakest Link
Drunk Elephant's Trunk
Dump Forrest (Gump)
Dump Foot pump
Fairy Julian Clary
Fanny Jack 'n' Danny
Fart Horse and Cart
Fart Raspberry Tart
Fart Apple Tart
Gin Vera Lynn
Gin Needle and Pin
Gin and Tonic Supersonic
Hair Tony Blair
Hooker One Time Looker
Ill Jimmy Hill
Knackered Cream Crackered
Lager Mick Jagger
Minge Edinburgh Fringe
Nice Chicken and Rice
Nipple Rasberry ripple
Pill Jimmy Hill
Pill Jack and Jill
Piss Hit and Miss
Piss Snake's hiss
Pissed Schindler's List
Ponce Charlie Ronce
Ponce Alphonse
Prick Hampton Wick
Pub Nuclear Sub
Queer Ginger Beer
Randy Mahatma (Ghandi)
Rotten Dot Cotton
Scotch Gold Watch
Sex Posh & Becks
Shag Zig and Zag
Shagged Melvyn Bragged
Shit Brad Pitt
Shit Tom Tit
Shit Eartha Kitt
Shit Two Bob Bit
Shit Gravel and grit
Shit Barry White
Shit Turkish Delight
Shitter (arse) Gary Glitter
Sick Moby Dick
Skint Murray-mint
Slash Pat Cash
Snout (cigarette) Salmon (and trout)
Spunk Harry Monk
Stains Michael Caines
Stella (Pint of) Paul Weller
Stella (the beer) Yuri Geller
Suspenders No Surrenders
Tablets (Ecstasy) Gary (Abblets)
Tart Treacle
Thirst Geoff (Hurst)
Tits Thru'penny Bits
Titties Bristols (City)
Tosser Dental Flosser
Turd Richard The 3rd
Turd Douglas Hurd
Vomit Wallace and Grommit
Wank Barclays Bank
Wank Tom Tank
Wanker Merchant Banker
Weed Shannon Tweed
Wench Monkey (Wrench)
Whore Roger Moore
Wife Fork and Knife
Wife Trouble and Strife
Wrong Pete Tong
Zits Candlesticks

I'll tell you what, though.

They're all a bit 'Alan Sugar', though. Aren't they?

ExecLine,

Well according to my calculation, working on the premise of 6 months per offence, your looking at a sentence (if concurrent) of 70 years. But don't worry too much as with the early release scheme coupled with good behaviour you will only serve about 3 days.

As an interesting footnote. A little known fact is that most prisons do not release prisoners (sorry clients) at weekends, so if a person is arrested for example on a warrant for none payment with a prison sentence attached, if the sentence is for 3 days, which is often the case for small amounts, they are released as soon as they are booked in. Or at least that was the case a few years ago.
So time served zilch. Sensible ain't it.

Well, no Brad Pitt! What Dental Flosser dreamt that up? It's enough to make you want to Wallace, ain't it?

As my Dad's family are true Londoners (born within the sound of Bow Bells) I was bought up on cockney rhyming slang. I think it is very rich in meaning. I also love the different dialects of our country. I have worked with people from all areas of the UK and many from different countries,/cultures. Language is in my opinion one of the greatest differences we as human beings have. What a boring world it would be if we all sounded the same.
Some languages I like better than others, but I suppose even a comment like that will be classed by the thought Police as racist.
I appreciate that us up ere in Yorkshire are the only people who talk propa like, but we dunt old it agenst yer.

I like to hear most of the UK's accents being spoken. That is until they are really very, very heavy and so very dislikeable, that only those very, very local to the accent being spoken, can understand what is being said.

One of the best examples of a dislikeable accent, IMHO, is the strong 'Leeds' accent. Being a Yorkshireman, you'll most probably know and have encountered the one I mean?

Which subject reminds me how Sky Customer Services seems to be located somewhere on the outskirts of Glasgow. This is not a sensible move, IMHO. If I have a problem and ring them, I cannot understand what they are telling me. It might actually be an '0870 scam' instead of a CS facility, for all I know?

And we all despise having to ring the CS of our bank. Why? Well, we usually end up speaking to a person with an Indian accent.

I think it is this dislike of someone 'foreign', being someone who can most probably be cursing at us in his own local dialect, for all we know, that creates an instinctive negative suspicion in our minds about ALL people who are 'foreign'. Additionally, they do not have any instantly recogniseable potential for 'rapport' with us.

It isn't until you begin to travel round the world and meet lots of foreign people for yourself, that you begin to educate yourself that there is really nothing to fear when someone is 'black' or foreign'. Thus once you have done all this for yourself, you can easily accept that those who exhibit such racist phobias are actually just stupid and ignorant and probably insular and poorly travelled to boot.

However, if you run a marketing or sales team, then it still is not a good idea to recruit people into it if they have a really deep and strong local accent or speak with a strong local dialect. They will usually just end up having the poor rapport, I have just mentioned, with your potential customers or potential clients.

Hmmm? Ah well. I think I'm on a ramble.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I see a two-eyed English idiot is in deep doodoo for calling someone else a 'one-eyed Scottish idiot'.

Good timing or what?

And guess what. He has instantly apologised. So we can instantly forgive him as can his employer. So he won't lose his job.

Aha! You are all a load of idiots.

I am so sorry. I do immediately apologise for saying that.

So that's alright then, eh?

Researchers have calculated that up to 37,964 worlds in our galaxy are hospitable enough to be home to creatures at least as intelligent as ourselves.

Astrophysicist Duncan Forgan created a computer programme that collated all the data on the 330 or so planets known to man and worked out what proportion would have conditions suitable for life.

The estimate, which took into account factors such as temperature and availability of water and minerals, was then extrapolated across the Milky Way.

Mr Forgan believes that the life forms would not be amoeba wriggling on the end of a microscope but species at least as advanced as humans.

Mr Forgan, who believes it will take 300 to 400 years for us to make contact with our neighbours, said: "I believe the estimate of 361 intelligent civilisations to be the most accurate.

"These would certainly be the most Earth-like civilisations but the bigger figures are certainly possible. We can't rule them out.

"Most of the other planets we have looked at are older than our own so I would expect to see more advanced civilisations than ours existing."

Hmmm? 361, eh?

When I worked it out, I got a result of 360.4

Damn! I obviously should have rounded it up, not down!

Yes. It does make sense that 0.4 of a planet might actually just be a really small planet not just no planet at all.

Damn!

More at http://www.telegraph.co.uk/scienceandtechnology/science/space/4521885/40000-planets-could-be-home-to-aliens.html

Re ths apology from Clarkson
I understand that he apologises for saying one eyed, that leaves him not apologising for the term Scottish idiot. This was followed by a Scottish MP suggesting Clarkson apologise for the term Scottish....... that still leaves us with the word idiot, and nobody seems to be calling for any apology for this, not even the French President.

Re Intelligent life. I think Patrick Moore had it right. When asked if there could be intelligent life in our Solar system he said he wasn't sure...and then added: "Some say there is intelligent life on Earth - but I'm not certain about that!"

I Love the Scottish MP asking for an apology for calling GB Scottish!!

By implication this means that Mr MSP believes it to be an insult, ergo he believes the Scottish are somehow inferior.

Time for Mr MSP to apologise for his blatent racism and resign his post.

Alan,

Just goes to show how things can be interpreted.

Over the weekend it was reported that Gordon Brown and his marionette Alistair Darling (although by his expression sometimes I think he is more likely that GB is controlling him as a glove puppet, with cold hands and sharp nails) declared their disgust at the proposed bonus payments to the banks hierarchy. They said that 'No one should be rewarded for failure'. Whilst I agree, I am sure that we would like to see the same criteria apply to themselves.
Oh, I forgot, they have gone on record as saying, none of this is their fault, so better not blame them eh.

Executives and staff of the Financial Services Authority, the chief City regulator, are in line for up to 33 million of bonuses and pay top-ups this year. The FSA, which has been severely criticised for not doing enough to anticipate the banking crisis, said that it needed to introduce a new reward strategy to improve the performance of its 2,800 employees, reports the Times.

Major banks will see their annual payment to the Financial Services Authority (FSA) soar by more than 100pc, with some paying 20m in fees, as the regulator clamps down on financial institutions in the wake of the global banking crisis, according to the Telegraph.



"it needed to introduce a new reward strategy to improve the performance of its 2,800 employees"

How about another, obviously to them completely novel, way of doing things? How about saying to the staff, "if you don't do your jobs the only thing you are going to get is the sack"?!

Gordon Brown and Co have stated that they are going to look into the bonus culture. Great so what are they going to do about this then.
A leaked internal memo from a banking group goes something like this, 'As the term bonus is no longer looked on as favourable in certain quarters, the term will no longer be used. A bonus will no longer be referred to as a bonus. Any future 'bonus' will be referred to as a retaining payment (retainer).
So there. Bet Gordon didn't see that one coming. Looks like this lot are ahead of GB's thinking. But there again who isn't.

When I look at a picture of Gordon Brown and Oliver Hardy it appears to me the within a couple of years GB will look a lot like OH, shame Stan Laurel and Alistair Darling don't look more alike.
A bit technophobic, so can anyone assist and post a picture of GB and OH alongside each other. Or is it just me who sees a likeness.