Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Now you see the Royal Gollies...



Now you don't...

So going out for a chinky (which whenever used in that context was never in any way derogatory) is out of the question then.
Suppose I will have to be content with a Ruby Murray in future.
The political correct brigade really wind me up. Still mustn't get in a 'Paddy'

I'm sure we are all familiar with the saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me."

So can words actually hurt you? You can call someone everything that's vulgar from a pig to a dog, and even diseased or sexually perverted versions of them too, and it isn't a crime. Push someone aggressively on the shoulder and you could get done for assault, which is a crime which can very easily carry a prison sentence. In fact, the defence for an assault charge is either of 1. It didn't happen. or 2. The act of assault was commited in self defence.

So have we got things wrong about what is and is not acceptable?

I think so.

Some of the following Cockney Rhyming Slang equivalents create a rather unique and peculiar 'BBC Green Room' problem.

Are the following occasionally just merely offensive, insulting, racist, homophobic, words or phrases to be used in private or what? Just when is this type of cultural grammar equivalent acceptable? Is it ever acceptable? Indeed, is this type of speech actually anything to do with culture?

Arse Bottle and Glass
Arse Khyber (Pass)
Balls Niagara falls
Balls Town Halls
Beers Britney (Spears)
Bent Stoke on Trent
Biggun (big one) Barry (Mcguigan)
Bike Dick Van Dyke
Bint Polo (Mint)
Bitches Ronald Riches
Bog Kermit (the Frog)
Bollocks Jackson Pollocks
Boozer (bar) Battle Cruiser
Bottle Aristotle
Bottle Jerry (Cottle)
Brandy Fine and Dandy
Breasts Georgie Bests
Bullshitter Little Critter
Bum Kingdom Come
Bum Deaf and Dumb
Bum Queen mum
Burst Geoff Hurst
Chest Bird's Nest
Chips Hairy Nips
Cider Deep sea glider
Cider Wynona Rider
Cider Shaun Ryder
Cider Easy Rider
Cigar Lar-dee-dar
Cigarette (fag) Oily Rag
Crap Pony and Trap
Crap Von Trappe
Crap Jamie Redknapp
Curry Ruby Murray
Curry Bill Murray
Dead Father Ted
Deal Ian Beale
Dope Bob Hope
Dope Pope on the rope
Drink Tiddly Wink
Drink Kitchen Sink
Drink Weakest Link
Drunk Elephant's Trunk
Dump Forrest (Gump)
Dump Foot pump
Fairy Julian Clary
Fanny Jack 'n' Danny
Fart Horse and Cart
Fart Raspberry Tart
Fart Apple Tart
Gin Vera Lynn
Gin Needle and Pin
Gin and Tonic Supersonic
Hair Tony Blair
Hooker One Time Looker
Ill Jimmy Hill
Knackered Cream Crackered
Lager Mick Jagger
Minge Edinburgh Fringe
Nice Chicken and Rice
Nipple Rasberry ripple
Pill Jimmy Hill
Pill Jack and Jill
Piss Hit and Miss
Piss Snake's hiss
Pissed Schindler's List
Ponce Charlie Ronce
Ponce Alphonse
Prick Hampton Wick
Pub Nuclear Sub
Queer Ginger Beer
Randy Mahatma (Ghandi)
Rotten Dot Cotton
Scotch Gold Watch
Sex Posh & Becks
Shag Zig and Zag
Shagged Melvyn Bragged
Shit Brad Pitt
Shit Tom Tit
Shit Eartha Kitt
Shit Two Bob Bit
Shit Gravel and grit
Shit Barry White
Shit Turkish Delight
Shitter (arse) Gary Glitter
Sick Moby Dick
Skint Murray-mint
Slash Pat Cash
Snout (cigarette) Salmon (and trout)
Spunk Harry Monk
Stains Michael Caines
Stella (Pint of) Paul Weller
Stella (the beer) Yuri Geller
Suspenders No Surrenders
Tablets (Ecstasy) Gary (Abblets)
Tart Treacle
Thirst Geoff (Hurst)
Tits Thru'penny Bits
Titties Bristols (City)
Tosser Dental Flosser
Turd Richard The 3rd
Turd Douglas Hurd
Vomit Wallace and Grommit
Wank Barclays Bank
Wank Tom Tank
Wanker Merchant Banker
Weed Shannon Tweed
Wench Monkey (Wrench)
Whore Roger Moore
Wife Fork and Knife
Wife Trouble and Strife
Wrong Pete Tong
Zits Candlesticks

I'll tell you what, though.

They're all a bit 'Alan Sugar', though. Aren't they?

ExecLine,

Well according to my calculation, working on the premise of 6 months per offence, your looking at a sentence (if concurrent) of 70 years. But don't worry too much as with the early release scheme coupled with good behaviour you will only serve about 3 days.

As an interesting footnote. A little known fact is that most prisons do not release prisoners (sorry clients) at weekends, so if a person is arrested for example on a warrant for none payment with a prison sentence attached, if the sentence is for 3 days, which is often the case for small amounts, they are released as soon as they are booked in. Or at least that was the case a few years ago.
So time served zilch. Sensible ain't it.

Well, no Brad Pitt! What Dental Flosser dreamt that up? It's enough to make you want to Wallace, ain't it?

As my Dad's family are true Londoners (born within the sound of Bow Bells) I was bought up on cockney rhyming slang. I think it is very rich in meaning. I also love the different dialects of our country. I have worked with people from all areas of the UK and many from different countries,/cultures. Language is in my opinion one of the greatest differences we as human beings have. What a boring world it would be if we all sounded the same.
Some languages I like better than others, but I suppose even a comment like that will be classed by the thought Police as racist.
I appreciate that us up ere in Yorkshire are the only people who talk propa like, but we dunt old it agenst yer.

I like to hear most of the UK's accents being spoken. That is until they are really very, very heavy and so very dislikeable, that only those very, very local to the accent being spoken, can understand what is being said.

One of the best examples of a dislikeable accent, IMHO, is the strong 'Leeds' accent. Being a Yorkshireman, you'll most probably know and have encountered the one I mean?

Which subject reminds me how Sky Customer Services seems to be located somewhere on the outskirts of Glasgow. This is not a sensible move, IMHO. If I have a problem and ring them, I cannot understand what they are telling me. It might actually be an '0870 scam' instead of a CS facility, for all I know?

And we all despise having to ring the CS of our bank. Why? Well, we usually end up speaking to a person with an Indian accent.

I think it is this dislike of someone 'foreign', being someone who can most probably be cursing at us in his own local dialect, for all we know, that creates an instinctive negative suspicion in our minds about ALL people who are 'foreign'. Additionally, they do not have any instantly recogniseable potential for 'rapport' with us.

It isn't until you begin to travel round the world and meet lots of foreign people for yourself, that you begin to educate yourself that there is really nothing to fear when someone is 'black' or foreign'. Thus once you have done all this for yourself, you can easily accept that those who exhibit such racist phobias are actually just stupid and ignorant and probably insular and poorly travelled to boot.

However, if you run a marketing or sales team, then it still is not a good idea to recruit people into it if they have a really deep and strong local accent or speak with a strong local dialect. They will usually just end up having the poor rapport, I have just mentioned, with your potential customers or potential clients.

Hmmm? Ah well. I think I'm on a ramble.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I see a two-eyed English idiot is in deep doodoo for calling someone else a 'one-eyed Scottish idiot'.

Good timing or what?

And guess what. He has instantly apologised. So we can instantly forgive him as can his employer. So he won't lose his job.

Aha! You are all a load of idiots.

I am so sorry. I do immediately apologise for saying that.

So that's alright then, eh?

Researchers have calculated that up to 37,964 worlds in our galaxy are hospitable enough to be home to creatures at least as intelligent as ourselves.

Astrophysicist Duncan Forgan created a computer programme that collated all the data on the 330 or so planets known to man and worked out what proportion would have conditions suitable for life.

The estimate, which took into account factors such as temperature and availability of water and minerals, was then extrapolated across the Milky Way.

Mr Forgan believes that the life forms would not be amoeba wriggling on the end of a microscope but species at least as advanced as humans.

Mr Forgan, who believes it will take 300 to 400 years for us to make contact with our neighbours, said: "I believe the estimate of 361 intelligent civilisations to be the most accurate.

"These would certainly be the most Earth-like civilisations but the bigger figures are certainly possible. We can't rule them out.

"Most of the other planets we have looked at are older than our own so I would expect to see more advanced civilisations than ours existing."

Hmmm? 361, eh?

When I worked it out, I got a result of 360.4

Damn! I obviously should have rounded it up, not down!

Yes. It does make sense that 0.4 of a planet might actually just be a really small planet not just no planet at all.

Damn!

More at http://www.telegraph.co.uk/scienceandtechnology/science/space/4521885/40000-planets-could-be-home-to-aliens.html

Re ths apology from Clarkson
I understand that he apologises for saying one eyed, that leaves him not apologising for the term Scottish idiot. This was followed by a Scottish MP suggesting Clarkson apologise for the term Scottish....... that still leaves us with the word idiot, and nobody seems to be calling for any apology for this, not even the French President.

Re Intelligent life. I think Patrick Moore had it right. When asked if there could be intelligent life in our Solar system he said he wasn't sure...and then added: "Some say there is intelligent life on Earth - but I'm not certain about that!"

I Love the Scottish MP asking for an apology for calling GB Scottish!!

By implication this means that Mr MSP believes it to be an insult, ergo he believes the Scottish are somehow inferior.

Time for Mr MSP to apologise for his blatent racism and resign his post.

Alan,

Just goes to show how things can be interpreted.

Over the weekend it was reported that Gordon Brown and his marionette Alistair Darling (although by his expression sometimes I think he is more likely that GB is controlling him as a glove puppet, with cold hands and sharp nails) declared their disgust at the proposed bonus payments to the banks hierarchy. They said that 'No one should be rewarded for failure'. Whilst I agree, I am sure that we would like to see the same criteria apply to themselves.
Oh, I forgot, they have gone on record as saying, none of this is their fault, so better not blame them eh.

Executives and staff of the Financial Services Authority, the chief City regulator, are in line for up to 33 million of bonuses and pay top-ups this year. The FSA, which has been severely criticised for not doing enough to anticipate the banking crisis, said that it needed to introduce a new reward strategy to improve the performance of its 2,800 employees, reports the Times.

Major banks will see their annual payment to the Financial Services Authority (FSA) soar by more than 100pc, with some paying 20m in fees, as the regulator clamps down on financial institutions in the wake of the global banking crisis, according to the Telegraph.



"it needed to introduce a new reward strategy to improve the performance of its 2,800 employees"

How about another, obviously to them completely novel, way of doing things? How about saying to the staff, "if you don't do your jobs the only thing you are going to get is the sack"?!

Gordon Brown and Co have stated that they are going to look into the bonus culture. Great so what are they going to do about this then.
A leaked internal memo from a banking group goes something like this, 'As the term bonus is no longer looked on as favourable in certain quarters, the term will no longer be used. A bonus will no longer be referred to as a bonus. Any future 'bonus' will be referred to as a retaining payment (retainer).
So there. Bet Gordon didn't see that one coming. Looks like this lot are ahead of GB's thinking. But there again who isn't.

When I look at a picture of Gordon Brown and Oliver Hardy it appears to me the within a couple of years GB will look a lot like OH, shame Stan Laurel and Alistair Darling don't look more alike.
A bit technophobic, so can anyone assist and post a picture of GB and OH alongside each other. Or is it just me who sees a likeness.

Seymour Clearly.

There is always one clever d**k around. But seriously, thanks.
Another question.... Who looks the most intelligent, GB or OH.
OH can find his tie, GB fumbled for his and missed.

I'm pleased to read Jade Goody has managed to secure 700,000 from 'OK Magazine' for an exclusive on her wedding. I'm also pleased to read Max Clifford is keeping his watchful eye on her. On this client, he does deserve a good fee, too. Although, I reckon he might easily forget to stick it in the post

Jade, who is a certainly a 'product of our times', has only just a few months, if not just weeks, left to live and this 'OK' deal money will go into a trust fund for her kids. And, damn it, for once and just for the sheer hell of it, I'm going to buy an OK Magazine in support of her and them. And I'm not going to give too much thought about doing it either.

Jade came from an utterly terrible background and had utterly terrible parents. As a result she has lots and lots of faults. However, I have seen in her not just a young woman who is a bit daft and a bit 'thick' but someone who can also be so happy, so open, so cheerful and positive, despite all her difficulties. I am not going to judge her at all and I'm just totally and absolutely going to forgive her for all of them.

When someone is left with only a very short time left to live the rest of their life and actually knows about it and has to deal with it and has some young kids to think about and look after too, well, it kind of crystallises the mind about what is important in life and what is not.

I hope she has a fantastic day and when I see her walk up the aisle in her wedding dress, I might just be touched enough to shed a tear for her too.

Yes, I feel sorry for her too....poor girl.....at least the money could go to her family !.

Maybe you should be saying, "the money WILL ONLY be going to her family kids".

That's the whole point of her going for the 'magazine deal marriage ceremony and all the trimmings". It earns 700,000 for her kids and provides for a better future for them than the one she had when she was a kid.