Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

From todays Telegraph,

Whoops.

The UK is spending 20,000,000,000 to replacement its fleet of Trident Submarines. According to the Public Accounts Committee, these will be finished before the USA's new version of the Trident Missile is completed.
These USA missiles are to be used to arm the new UK subs, but may not fit into the new subs missile tubes.
An MOD spokesman stated that steps are being taken to reduce the risk of the missiles not fitting (whatever that means). But the spokesman for the PAC Edward Leigh said even so there is no guarantee they will fit.

Missile=Rocket science this is not.
Have these muppets not heard of made to measure.
What a load of plonkers.

Caught up with Trev last night. He was sat outside the "Kebab & Claculator", our local.
Didn't recognise him at first due to the large broad straw hat and dark glasses, but I thought it was him when I saw he was drinking some watered down beer and eating a bag of pigs knuckles.
"Trev", says I, "Why are you wearing a straw hat with Lucy written on it"?
"They were throwing it out at the beach, and I needed one".
"Why do you need an old donkey hat, Trev". And indeed, there were two holes cut for the ears. I regretted the question when he put down a longer than usual dog end he was smoking that had been left in the ashtray, tilted his glasses and looked round furtively.
"Well, Alan. I gotta hide from Spanish Joe, cos hes gonna do things with me that only a doctor should do in extreme emergencies, so I'm dressed in wotsit".
"Fancy dress"?
"No. In wotsit. Cognito".
For those of you who haven't followed the further adventures of Trev (and why not?) Spanish Joe is the guy who lives in the apartment penthouse above Trev. When I say above, I mean that Trev sleeps in that buildings doorway. He says its the cleanest and driest doorway in the city, on account of him never having a pee in it on his way home from the pub.
Spanish Joe describes himself as a dealer in leisure activities, which means he flogs stolen car radios, loose women and a white powder that is 10% illegal and 90% Vim.
He also owns a collection of ears from people who have crossed him.

"Its that course I went on, Alan. I only went cos it had free tea and biccies and now I start crying if I see a knife or a bicycle pump."
"Trev, tell me more about it because I can't see how a course at the local poly leads to a fear of the bicycle pump".
"Cos Joe says hes gonna stick it right..."
"No. Not that bit. I know that bit. Hows it got you into trouble"?
"Get me a pint, Al and I'll tell you. I'd get it myself, but Big Julies behind the bar and she wants to hurt me with a pool cue".
"What for"?
"About thirteen quid".

I got the drinks and listened to his tale of woe.

It started when it was raining and someone told Trev they have a drop in course at the Poly that teaches basic internet to all. He wasn't interested until told that every 2 hours the tea and biscuit trolley comes and its free.
He went along and to show willing, asked what people do on the internet when the poly have blocked all the porn sites and was told that most people do a blog on MySpace or facebook.
Well Trev was nearly intrigued enough to miss his tea and biscuits, and set up his own page. He e-mailed everyone whos address he could find to invite them on to his page. In his own confused manner he sent a mail giving the link and saying "Come on my face, here".
He now has 86,793 friends, though all strangely male, and in keeping up with th replies, he was getting more and more tired.
Graham the stoat was down there getting his free tea and biscuits and he suggested a bit of speed. That night, Trev went to see Spanish and asked for a bit of speed on a tab. Spanish was a bit confused by this and anyway, he was out of drugs.
Trev had heard of internet shopping and deicided to try this bloke called Frank who advertises on telly and the internet.
He was disappointed to find that as much as he talked to Frank, he didn't have any either, so Trev said he'd put Frank in touch with Spanish Joe and they could try to find a new supplier together.
He passed Spanish address to Frank and thought he'd done his good deed for the day.

"Bloody internet", he said, "thats me, Glitter and Townend all in trouble through it, and all I wanted was a cup of tea and a bourbon".

So there is going to be yet another enquiry re the Government Minister Tony (greed b*****d) McNultys claim on his 2nd (sic) home.
He was heard to say by a reporter, 'Sometimes I feel so down from being bullied at work, by that nasty Gordon Brown, that I have to go home to my mummy and daddy for a cuddle. I also keep my teddies there'.

I am going to make a tour of the local bookies today to see what odds they will give me re him being found guilty of any corrupt practise.

No doubt the odds will be up there with Elvis being found alive.
Green men being found on Mars.
Gordon Brown winning the Nobel Prize for economics.
Alistair Darling winning, er anything.
OR...Trev winning Mastermind.

Anyone care to bet (pun intended) what odds I will get offered.
By the way I think Trev winning Mastermind is the favourite.

They could make a film of Alan's book (when he finishes it) "Trevdog Millionaire".

barclays online dealing & phone lines are in total meltdown.

Worth a look. The grilling of Gordon Brown. Bloody Excellent.
Would have loved to see how he replied.

http://ukhousebubble.blogspot.com/2009/03/devalued-prime-minister-of-devalued.html

Nice to be right sometimes.

A few months ago I mentioned that I expected investors to be looking a the Stock Markets again to make money, especially in the blue chip sector, mainly due to the low interest levels everywhere else.
I also mention that I thought the popular, so called 100% safe haven of Government Bonds would become a less safe investment due to the vast amounts being proposed by the government.
On reading todays Telegraph, I see that one of many proposed big auctions re these gilts has failed for the first time since 1995 to be fully taken up.
Fears are growing that the government may not be able to cover these gilts.
Obviously if an auction this early on in the list fails, then future auction prospects look poor.
Either the government will need to withdraw further bonds from auction (something they definitely can't do) or lower the price (something that will increase their direct debt).
You can't expect to flood the bond/guilt market and expect any other reaction that you would get from flooding any market. Surely that is basic economics.
They are quickly running out of get out clauses.
his makes the stock market taking in the risk/reward factor, although still of more risk than gilts, a much better bet.
All IMHO of course.

See Jamie Oliver make EU fudge.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LHqpzjMTDY

Seen on another site. Original posted by user name YuYus.

Just heard on radio 2 that New labour under the helmswomenship of Harriet Harman have made numerous firms ,products change their name to be more apt ,or not intentionally misleading.
MARS bars will have to be renamed.
There is no dog in dog food so.
There is no food in cat food.
Jamaica ginger cake that has not been to Jamaica must also fall into line.

Now if the EU get wind of this no doubt they will have their own ideas.

Suggestions anyone.

Babycham??????

McDonalds Beefburger????

Spotted Dick.
Toad in the hole.

It is rumoured that Jacqui Smith was overheard in the House of Commons saying that when she got home she was going to give her husband a damn good spanking.

To which he replied, well blow me...............

As I understand it the first thing Richard Timney (her husband) said when she informed him that they had been found out was, "Well bugger me".

From the 300,000 list circulating the city it appears that the ratio of Tories to labour and Liberals with sticky fingers is put at 3-1.

The price of the list is being increased hourly. This is just aother rumour, but I wish I could get a bet on it.

I think there will be quiet a lot of blushes, even for this brazen lot.

Hi Fred,

Its not a rumour its fact. The Daily Telegraph went to court in order to gain access to all expenses. They are being released daily.
Not sure about the ratio though.
BUT it is understood that MP's are being allowed (by the rules) to edit items by obliterating them in order of security.
This beggars belief.
How can a court ruling state that all expenses have to be released under the Freedom of Information act, then the parliamentary rules on expenses, state they can obliterate certain items.
Now I wonder how many dodgy items they will edit. At a guess, thousands.

Having toured several bookies on Saturday, (see my post 7551) they all refused to give me odds re Tony McNulty being found guilty of any wrongdoing.
The reason being that they only take bets where individuals are concerned regarding sport, competition or tournaments such as Chess, Darts etc.
But a couple did say they would have liked to take my bet.

Freedom of Information act I think it is a crass act. It is protectionist of those who should be exposed. I think that it should be "publish and be damned".

If the press did so, I may have a little more respect for them.

If we were in state of war and likely to be invaded I would moderate the opinion. But we are not.

Fred, according to the Telegraph today, the top 10 claimants include only 1 Tory, with 7 Labour MPs and 2 lib dem.

List here:-

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/politics/5078141/Eric-Joyce-is-most-expensive-MP-at-187334.html

The 10 MPs with the highest claims were:

1. Eric Joyce (Lab, Falkirk) 187,334

2. Michael Connarty (Lab, Linlithgow & Falkirk East) 183,466

3. Alistair Carmichael (Lib Dem, Orkney & Shetland) 176,190

4. Ben Wallace (Con, Lancaster & Wyre) 175,523

5. Mohammad Sarwar (Lab, Glasgow Central) 174,882

6. Charles Kennedy (Lib Dem, Ross, Skye & Inverness West) 174,232

7. Janet Anderson (Lab, Rossendale & Darwen) 173,556

8. David Borrow (Lab, South Ribble) 172,706

9. Jim McGovern (Lab, Dundee West) 171,989

10. Fabian Hamilton (Lab, North East Leeds) 171,824

'Siobhan McDonagh (Lab, Croydon) spent 35,207 on postage equivalent to 103,550 first-class stamps'

She most have sent a lot of Christmas cards!

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1567398/MPs-expenses-now-more-than-87-million.html