Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

At last, what we've all been waiting for, an understandable explanation of derivative markets ...
>
>
> Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit . In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).
>
> Word gets around about Heidi's drink now pay later marketing strategy and as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar and soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit. By providing her customers' freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.
>
> A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.
>
> At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then traded on security markets worldwide.
>
> Naive investors don't really understand the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, their prices continuously climb, and the securities become the top-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses who collect enormous fees on their sales, pay extravagant bonuses to their sales force, and who in turn purchase exotic sports cars and multimillion dollar condominiums.
>
> One day, although the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the bank (subsequently fired due his negativity), decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar.
>
> Heidi demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Therefore, Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy. DRINKBOND and ALKIBOND drop in price by 90%. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80%. The decreased bond asset value destroys the banks liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans.
>
> The suppliers of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous payment extensions and having invested in the securities are faced with writing off her debt and losing over 80% on her bonds. Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 50 workers.
>
> The bank and brokerage houses are saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock negotiations by leaders from both political parties. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by a tax levied on employed middle-class non-drinkers.

Excellent explanation. :-)

As already said, excellent. Although very funny, the basis is factually true.

On a different subject.... As I am becoming totally confused re all the advice that changes almost daily, regarding what you should/should not eat drink etc, I decided to ask my doctor for advice. His advice is as follows.

From the Doctor !


Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q:Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.
Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!

Q:How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q:What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q:Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!
Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: HELLO. Are you crazy? Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

Now that's what I call advice.

And I thought I was alone Greekman.
LOL.

Hi Porky,

Nar, reckon there are plenty of us out there. Apt name by the way for the subject.
Love/sex also makes life's journey better. They also say marriage helps you live for longer. It doesn't. It just seems that way.

Gordon Brown is less popular at the moment than a man walking down the street in a Mexican hat ! roll on the elections !.

........or a woman in a burka with a Mexican hat.

Required Field,

Sounds like an advert for condoms. Oh sorry you said, roll on the 'elections'.

Took me ages to see the connection, Gordon Brown = Man walking, Mexican hat and 'erection'.

Must get some new glasses.

I now await the smutty jokes re GB and Condoms.

The joke is on the UK Greek, his parents weren't using a condom! Or if they were, it ended up like the UK; bust.

My doctor told me to always ensure we used contraception if we wanted to indulge in anal sex.
"Don't be daft", says I, "even I know you can't get pregnant that way".
"Of course you can. Where do you think politicians and chavs come from"?

Speaking of sex, and the outcomes, I am a very happy bunny this morning.

We woke up to find (unexpectedly) that our female meerkat is the proud mother of 2 pups. Not easy to breed captively, meerkats, and now the battle begins to ensure they survive the first few weeks without mum or dad eating them.

Keep you posted...........................

Early update, there are actually 3 pups!!!

Perhaps you should get their pictures on here!

Alan,

Like you bit re politicians and chavs. A bit insulting though, to mention them both in the same sentence. It's an insult to chavs.

A happy bunny! As rabbits can have sex several times a day, each time lasting only a few seconds, I wondered what you were going to say.

I'm a happy bunny cos like a rabbit, I can't count.

There now appear to be 5 baby meerkats, and 1 knackered mum..............

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-3X5hIFXYU

This is me,

Excellent and very frightening. A brilliantly done article without emotion, just facts and projections based on those fact.
Every politician should be made to watch this until the message sinks in. Of course if they did, we would be informed it is all fictional propaganda.

But I am already getting prepared. I have started growing a full beard/moustache. My Koran is already on order, and I have just signed up to to learn Arabic.

They wont get me.

I will also forward this onto everyone I know.

Good!

On a less serious note:

They said pigs would fly before a black man ever became president of the USA, sure enough 100 days after his election all the newspapers have the headline 'Swine 'flu'!

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it..'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

This-is-me,

Very good. Whenever I read these I try to guess the punch line.

I thought Gordon Brown was going to be mentioned.

Like on the 5th day, God created Gordon Brown and said.

'When you grow up become a Labour politician, Chancellor then Prime Minister. For this I will give you 5 years in power, 1 term'.

Gordon replied, ' Only 5 years. That's not really long enough to throughly screw the people over, could you possibly give me 15 years, 3 terms'. After all the dog got ten years just to wander round annoying people by biting the hands that feed it (look how we fiddle tax payer with our expense claims), the cow got 20 years just to be milked (the public get milked all their lives), the monkey got 10 years for entertaining people (I have been on You Tube), doing tricks (I was chancellor for 10 years) and making people laugh (seen PM's Question time lately).

God agreed. So now we know who is really to blame.

Sorry to pinch your theme. Hope you don't mind. Your theme was just to good to resist.

LOL