Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-3X5hIFXYU

This is me,

Excellent and very frightening. A brilliantly done article without emotion, just facts and projections based on those fact.
Every politician should be made to watch this until the message sinks in. Of course if they did, we would be informed it is all fictional propaganda.

But I am already getting prepared. I have started growing a full beard/moustache. My Koran is already on order, and I have just signed up to to learn Arabic.

They wont get me.

I will also forward this onto everyone I know.

Good!

On a less serious note:

They said pigs would fly before a black man ever became president of the USA, sure enough 100 days after his election all the newspapers have the headline 'Swine 'flu'!

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it..'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

This-is-me,

Very good. Whenever I read these I try to guess the punch line.

I thought Gordon Brown was going to be mentioned.

Like on the 5th day, God created Gordon Brown and said.

'When you grow up become a Labour politician, Chancellor then Prime Minister. For this I will give you 5 years in power, 1 term'.

Gordon replied, ' Only 5 years. That's not really long enough to throughly screw the people over, could you possibly give me 15 years, 3 terms'. After all the dog got ten years just to wander round annoying people by biting the hands that feed it (look how we fiddle tax payer with our expense claims), the cow got 20 years just to be milked (the public get milked all their lives), the monkey got 10 years for entertaining people (I have been on You Tube), doing tricks (I was chancellor for 10 years) and making people laugh (seen PM's Question time lately).

God agreed. So now we know who is really to blame.

Sorry to pinch your theme. Hope you don't mind. Your theme was just to good to resist.

LOL

For anyone interested;

The meerkat pups are now 48 hours old and doing really well.

All 5 are still alive and seem to be getting stronger.

Mum and dad are doing a great job and even allow me to hold the pups!!

Thats all for the moment from Meerkat Manor.......................

Alan,

Let me know when they can speak like the one on the tele.

Are you starting up a zoo Alan?! If so, you can have some of my family. :o)

FORMS ARE GOING FAST- SIGN UP TODAY!
Becoming Illegal (Alleged Actual letter from an Iowa resident as sent to his senator)


The Honorable Tom Harkin

731 Hart Senate Office Building

Phone (202) 224 3254

Washington DC , 20510

Dear Senator Harkin,

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as 'in-state' tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent, (hoping to reach 'illegal alien' status rather than just a bonafide citizen of the USA )

Donald Ruppert

Burlington , IA

Get your Forms (NOW)!!

Call your Internal Revenue Service at 1-800-289-1040.

Good find This-is me.

Another Funny but (true could it work) post. The same could be said of the UK, as illegals have access to so much without having to contribute anything.

On a different track.... re the expenses saga.
I am fast becoming more annoyed at our political system.

I have had a white T shirt printed with the following emblazoned in bright red.

'UK MPs are institutionally morally corrupt. Democracy is dead'.
you never know it might start a trend.

I also wanted a picture of a pig trough with a couple of MPs (pigs) with their greedy snouts in, but unfortunately the stall holders computer link was down.

I wear this T shirt around town and intend to stand near any MPs that are canvasing in our local area. I will also display a copy of his/her expenses claim.
Woe betide any political canvasser that asks for my vote.

I had intended to parade with a placard, but feel I would be clumped together with all the others that do so, such as the End is Nigh, Elvis for PM etc.

Wife is already walking a few yards behind me. No she is not a Muslim, just pretends she is not with me.

greek.
Customs are now changing.
They now make them walk in front to trigger the landmines.

No wonder my wife did not argue and obeyed without question (never happened before). She has always been one of that growing number of females that think they are equal.

I am a proper new man..............a real feminist.

I have found that allowing the missus to believe she is my equal makes her so much happier in the kitchen, and the crease on my trousers has never been better.

I feel the little woman is very content to share in all the decisions, such as whether to buy lamb or beef, and which day to do the washing. Meanwhile the bigger decisions, such as what to watch on telly, and whether or not to go out for a pint would wrinkle her pretty brow, so I keep them from her.

See, it is easy to mix new manism and chivalry smoothly and let her get on with whatever it is women do in the odd couple of hours they are not in the bedroom or kitchen.
Even now she is getting immense satisfaction from polishing my shoes to a gleam, and then she will revel in her role of preparing my breakfast. I, on the other hand, am busy with monetary issues, as you see.

Wow Alan,

Any chance she has a twin sister.

She did have, but she committed suicide in her kitchen. Her husband says he will never understand why. She had been happy in there for 30 years.

Greek, I hope when you are in the crowd, the MP reciprocates and asks you how you make a living and how you deal with your "expenses" etc..

Tell me what the crowd say.

I hope so, would be ineresting.

I was in our local market place a couple of weeks ago and there was a stall being manned by members of the Labour Party. I stood around waiting for the usual approach. It worked. After several minutes, I was asked if I was a member of the Party. Without using bad language, I vent forth my frustration and anger firing many questions of their policies, crime, health, education, immigration, and the EU (mainly the EU) etc.
Almost immediately a fair crowd had gathered. It was almost farcical to listen to the attempt at a defence of these policies. With the crowd becoming ever more vocal in their condemnation I almost (well not really) felt sorry for the poor slob on the receiving end. As after about 30 min the party member conceded far more points than I, i feel it was me who converted him.
Now that the expenses claims are out, can't wait for the next public meeting of politicians in our local area.
My only problem is our local Conservative MP is a Stuart Graham, who every second Saturday holds an open invitation in our market place. He is a very hard working MP who has an excellent reputation for his approach and results. Will look forward to seeing his expenses.

Note... If the proposed action of reporting several MPs for criminal investigation is not forthcoming, I will be making a formal complaint to the appropriate police Force re fraud. As a tax payer I am a victim. As a victim it is open under British law to make such a complaint, This complaint must if there is any substance no matter how minute be recorded, even if the conclusion is 'No Crime'.
Most Police Forces allow you to report a crime, and complete a Crime Report on line.
I urge every tax payer out there to do this.
And before anyone states, It won't get me anywhere, I agree. But I am so bloody angry, I just can't not do anything.

On the matter of 'MPs and their expenses'...

On the basis that they can illustrate a very high competence at being able to look after their own best interests very well, I have to ask myself if that is indicative of them also being able to look after mine?

I mean, like, erm, err, it would not be 'positively indicative' if it were to be the opposite would it?

Hmmm?

No. They are just milking the system. It has to be their first priority - and now greater so, once they get the vibes they are going to get kicked out.

So who else are we going to get to replace them?

Untried and untested political representatives? Virgins?

MPs from fringe parties?

Oh my god!

Just heard on the BBC 1 O'Clock news that several MP's have stated, 'That if they had known what scrutiny their expenses were going to come under, they would not have claimed as they did'. True honest!

A bit like the burglar that said in court, 'If I had known I was going to be caught, I would not have done it'.
Neither is any defence.
I have also heard burglars say, ' I was tempted as the window (of opportunity perhaps) was open'. A bit like the taxpayers pocket, that's been picked.

Both these statements are accurate. The burglar and the MP's are both crooks.