Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

You are correct.

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
(Or the uncertainty of the English language)
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
---------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
---------------------------------------------------------
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court
Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife 775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few quid myself.'
---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took
the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
----------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up..
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
----------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks
him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
------------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
.........................................................................
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive
clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

Hey chaps ,,can anyone tell me how to insert a link to a webpage ,so that it comes out as a link you can click on and not just the web address ,,i used to be able to do this but i am using a laptop and for some reason i cant do it anymore.It could be me as i'm sure i am getting thicker by the day..

Its ok as you will see i have just posted a link to the BOOKER thread , a kid showed me :-((
Now i wonder if i should apply for that job in silicon valley ??

Anyone help.

Anyone know of a good site that gives share prices that I can link to via my wife's mobile phone.
I don't have one that links to the internet (I have trouble enough using mine to make phone calls).
The site we usually use is no longer available.
We go abroad in a few days for 2 weeks and I like to check my share prices most days (yes I know it's sad).
Any advice appreciated.

Greek.

You find an internet cafe, library etc. or use hotel access if you are staying in one. You can also get quotes from your broker ( or nearly any broker) by 'phone.

Yes. Just go away on holiday with a note of your MoneyAM Username and Password.

Sorted

I'm not sure about whether you might need to get involved in updating the Internet Cafe's Java, though.

Mind you, if you don't want to do any of that just use Yahoo Financial (and you can find this on Google if you have to) at

http://uk.finance.yahoo.com/

Thanks to both. Don't like to use Internet cafe when in Egypt or the hotels system as they are unbelievably slow (should have said it was Egypt)
Other years have used mobile phone at a very cheap cost via the BBC site, but have now found it very difficult to link to. Since my last post now found that using the Telegraph share site is quicker and cheaper. But have now tried the Yahoo site so I now have that choice of 2.
If I do need to deal, I do use my brokers online site, via a PC, slow or not.

regards Greek.

greek ,whats wrong with thelondonstockexchange .co.uk

Nothing Jimmy and thanks.

The problem appears to be that some sites in Egypt work simpler on a mobile than others and as a technophobe I need things easy.
regards Greek

title 'The last tme I saw the wife'

Just been checking out the 'Heels that Heal' charity auction items on eBay, where 100% of the final sale price will support Wellbeing of Women. There are 22 pairs of Celebrity Shoes to bid for as well as 28 Star Dates:

Click Here

As I type, the highest bid so far, is 1,000 for 'Lunch with singer Peter Andre'.

If you want to treat your wife or girl friend, then to 'Meet James Martin and go on the set of Saturday Kitchen' currently stands at 343. This isn't as popular as 'Afternoon tea with Rachel Stevens at the Wolsey Cafe', which is currently 360.05

No wonder we get trouble from drunks on flights.

2 weeks ago my wife and myself flew out from Donnington to Egypt.

Just in front of us at the boarding gate was a very drunken female. The gate crew (service air) were heard to say, 'leave her for the cabin crew to sort our'
She staggered from the gate to the aircraft, walking straight into the rope barrier that sections off the engines. She them struggled up the aircraft steps with difficulty.
The cabin crew were heard to say 'she' drunk' a statement that I re-iterated.
Then the final straw when we were seated in the same row. At this I refused to share the area with this drunk. Fortunately there were several spare seats, so we were moved. But if the aircraft had been full, what then. I would have refused to fly and kicked up a hell of a row if they had not taken her off the aircraft.
On asking why this drunk had been allowed to board, the cabin crew stated that the ground side (service air) should have stopped her boarding.
Called passing the buck!

Apart from the annoyance, this drunk would have been a danger to herself and more importantly others in the event of any incident.

I have informed Tompson of their responsibility in this matter.
What good are so called strict safety rules if they are not adhered to.

They are always stating, "At Tompson we have a zero tolerance to such behaviour"

Yer right.

Ah, yes. Flying. The second greatest thrill known to man. Landing, being the first!

Flying - Where the probability of survival is directly equal to the angle of arrival.

The thought of flying doesn't bother me, even though having the physics of flight explained to me several times, I still find it hard to believe how a few hundred tons of metal manages to stay up there.

It doesn't!

'Water doesn't kill germs, soap does'

'Don't be a dirty soap dodger'

'Is the person next to you washing with soap?'

Today is Global Handwashing Day.

By the way, the top city for clean hands is actually London. Newcastle and Liverpool, where one person in ten is carrying nasty bugs on their hands, are the cities at the bottom.

Keeping your mitts off those supermarket trolley handles this weekend and always asking other people to open the door for you, might be the best policies to adopt, eh?

I shall head for the bar - of soap.

Now you know why Jacko wore a mask and gloves ,not so silly after all .

'Water doesn't kill germs, soap does'

Sorry to be a smart ar*e, but soap doesn't kill germs - it simply helps remove them from the skin.

Antibacterial soaps on the other hand (no pun intended) .......

The three statements are on signs displayed in toilets around the UK.

It isn't really practical to wash with soap alone. One has to use water with it.

Apparently, washing with soap rather than washing without soap is much more efficient because it does get the dirt and bacteria off your hands much more efficiently.

So using soap, one would presume more bacteria are removed from people's hands and to go down the wash basin plug hole and then 'die' - as against staying on the hands and 'living'.

QED