Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

title 'The last tme I saw the wife'

Just been checking out the 'Heels that Heal' charity auction items on eBay, where 100% of the final sale price will support Wellbeing of Women. There are 22 pairs of Celebrity Shoes to bid for as well as 28 Star Dates:

Click Here

As I type, the highest bid so far, is 1,000 for 'Lunch with singer Peter Andre'.

If you want to treat your wife or girl friend, then to 'Meet James Martin and go on the set of Saturday Kitchen' currently stands at 343. This isn't as popular as 'Afternoon tea with Rachel Stevens at the Wolsey Cafe', which is currently 360.05

No wonder we get trouble from drunks on flights.

2 weeks ago my wife and myself flew out from Donnington to Egypt.

Just in front of us at the boarding gate was a very drunken female. The gate crew (service air) were heard to say, 'leave her for the cabin crew to sort our'
She staggered from the gate to the aircraft, walking straight into the rope barrier that sections off the engines. She them struggled up the aircraft steps with difficulty.
The cabin crew were heard to say 'she' drunk' a statement that I re-iterated.
Then the final straw when we were seated in the same row. At this I refused to share the area with this drunk. Fortunately there were several spare seats, so we were moved. But if the aircraft had been full, what then. I would have refused to fly and kicked up a hell of a row if they had not taken her off the aircraft.
On asking why this drunk had been allowed to board, the cabin crew stated that the ground side (service air) should have stopped her boarding.
Called passing the buck!

Apart from the annoyance, this drunk would have been a danger to herself and more importantly others in the event of any incident.

I have informed Tompson of their responsibility in this matter.
What good are so called strict safety rules if they are not adhered to.

They are always stating, "At Tompson we have a zero tolerance to such behaviour"

Yer right.

Ah, yes. Flying. The second greatest thrill known to man. Landing, being the first!

Flying - Where the probability of survival is directly equal to the angle of arrival.

The thought of flying doesn't bother me, even though having the physics of flight explained to me several times, I still find it hard to believe how a few hundred tons of metal manages to stay up there.

It doesn't!

'Water doesn't kill germs, soap does'

'Don't be a dirty soap dodger'

'Is the person next to you washing with soap?'

Today is Global Handwashing Day.

By the way, the top city for clean hands is actually London. Newcastle and Liverpool, where one person in ten is carrying nasty bugs on their hands, are the cities at the bottom.

Keeping your mitts off those supermarket trolley handles this weekend and always asking other people to open the door for you, might be the best policies to adopt, eh?

I shall head for the bar - of soap.

Now you know why Jacko wore a mask and gloves ,not so silly after all .

'Water doesn't kill germs, soap does'

Sorry to be a smart ar*e, but soap doesn't kill germs - it simply helps remove them from the skin.

Antibacterial soaps on the other hand (no pun intended) .......

The three statements are on signs displayed in toilets around the UK.

It isn't really practical to wash with soap alone. One has to use water with it.

Apparently, washing with soap rather than washing without soap is much more efficient because it does get the dirt and bacteria off your hands much more efficiently.

So using soap, one would presume more bacteria are removed from people's hands and to go down the wash basin plug hole and then 'die' - as against staying on the hands and 'living'.

QED

According to an article in The Daily Telegraph, women who are not pregnant and who have not just given birth should be granted maternity leave (I kid you not). According to a survey 74% of women poled would be in favour of a six months break from work.

First. Who wouldn't be in favour of a six months paid break.
Second. Who thinks of these stupid surveys.
Third. Who pays for these surveys to be conducted.
Forth. In todays discrimination world, anyone willing to bet that sometime in the not too distant future a none pregnant female will take their employer to a discrimination tribunal and probably win.

Moral of the story - don't employ women in the first place since it is easier to say their interview was a disaster rather than fire them when they get pregnant.

So now nursery rhymes are being altered so they have a happy ending for children and do not frighten them.
You know like Humpty Dumpty was put back together again. Little Miss Muffet was not frightened of spiders Etc.

I think they should go further in that all Nursery Rhymes should also be looked at by the Politically Correct Police.

For example we could start with
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe (she was removed by Social Services into a 6 bedroom council house).
She had so many children, she didn't know what to do (on receiving Child Benefit and income support she moved out of social housing into a private house in Chelsea)
She gave them some broth without any bread.
Then whipped them all soundly and put them to bed (Social Services found out, all her children were put into care, and she was given a 6 month ASBO for child cruelty)

But seriously it does make you wonder how us older folk grew up at all.

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1930's 1940's, 50's, 60's and early 70's !

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can.

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.

Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY, No video/DVD films, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time.

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet

RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on MERIT

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully's always ruled the playground at school.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO

DEAL WITH IT ALL !

And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!


You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Ah Nostalgia!

In the interests of equality, this non-pregnant male will also claim six month's paternity leave. Great idea.

As one from the 30's, I think nostalgia is a thing of the past.

The Four Dogs


Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

The first man was an Engineer,

the second man an Accountant,

the third a Chemist, and

the fourth was a Government Employee.


To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.



But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.



But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."


Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.


Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your dog do?"


The Government Employee called his dog and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."


CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......


ate the cookies........


drank the milk.......


sh*t on the paper.......




screwed the other three dogs.......


claimed he injured his back while doing so.......

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.......

put in for Workers Compensation...............and

went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............


AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

Just read this (0735 hrs ). What a great way to start the day with a laugh. Very funny, if only the last line wasn't true.

I think the funniest thing, is that people who 'work for the government', are now beginning to feel somewhat insecure and in fear of their jobs.

Come the next election, that's when lots of them feel that, more than likely, they are going to become unemployed.

Ironic, isn't it?

What's the world coming to? They must be making chocolate digestives smaller, because I can now get a whole one in my mouth!

With all this talk about our MPs getting away with, fraud, false accounting and the like, I can't see why they are not prosecuted for Misconduct in a Public Office.
This offence tends to be used where it is difficult to prove a specific offence (fraud, false accounting and other specific crimes).
Misconduct in a Public Office has been used against those such as police Officers where they have committed what I would consider far less/minor misnomer than those of some MP's, for example putting in for expenses claims of low amounts they were not entitled to or making false representations for expenses. I am not defending these lesser crimes, as Police Officers are in a position where trust is required and expected, IE they should have a higher regard to honesty. But MPs are also in a similar position of trust, so why not use this offence to bring them to justice. The reason must be that the political system, being the law makers are far more likely to 'get away with it'.
The old boys club rules.
For those interested two good links.
http://www.cps.gov.uk/legal/l_to_o/misconduct_in_public_office/
http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2008/nov/28/conservatives-whitehall