Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

aha

Just got back from the worlds weirdest doctor.
D'you know what he asked me? Does your willy burn after sex!!!!
How the hell would I know that? I mean come on, who the hell holds a match to it at that point?
Alan

Hope you told him you were married Al , maybe he thinks your hanging out with dodgy women .

I've bought a camcorder. Can anyone recommend a good bit of editing software. This is for home use so I don't want pay an arm and a leg. The software that came with it is very average.

MS

Never mind eh.

this girl had a lucky escape . wasn't she lucky that a passing race car broke her fall and stopped her getting hurt!!!

Great aerodynamics bos..

And on a more sombre note :

A man was leaving a cafe after his morning coffee when he noticed a
most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50
feet behind the first.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a
leash.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully doffed his hat, and approached the man walking the dog.

"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb
you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you
walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?

The man replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my wife"

"What happened to her?"The man replied " My dog attacked and killed
her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered "My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when
the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Join the queue."

With apologies to scousers


Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that
despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.



Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show,
Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with
yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.



So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off
to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.



Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for
half an hour, and we can have better shex".



"But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie
in your right hand". Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".



He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than
before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me
shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have
to.......



"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No
problem hun".



Cilla complies with the routine. The results are absolutely mind
blowing.



Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and
Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer
willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"



Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a
scouser , the bitch stole ma wallet !".

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning
and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven . . . which
part
of your body goes first?
" Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands.
" "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes you hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your
legs.
" The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?
" Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom
the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was
saying,
"Oh God, I'm coming!
" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The nun fainted.

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to
a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually
looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No,"
he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was
just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
wearing knickers!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

Back to top form, Baza.
Alan

Nice one baza .

Got a conundrum thats been keeping me awake.
A mate and me were talking about physical attraction and wondering how any woman could ever find a bloke attractive. I said that if I were a woman I would have to be a lesbian, and he told me that that indicated I had gay tendancies!!
The night finished about 3 seconds later with him in a pool of blood, but how the hell can I argue that one?
Alan

robbing bastard dentist strikes again!!!

Ouch

Cracked the competition for worst investor. My PC has been down on me most of today so I couldn't trade, adn because of this I lost almost 1500.
Gonna try the same stunt tomorrow, of not trading, just sitting on my hands and letting 'em fall!
Alan

I went up by 950 pounds today ,i had a short that went wrong, can't seem to lose any money this week..