Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Greekman, LOL!

Alan, That sounds great. Tents are fine - may go myself sometime (although I will clearly have to borrow somebody's children).

So sorry you are now reduced to holidaying in the Maldives. If it ever gets too much you can always send me your tickets :o)

I guess your kids are now heading for holidaying in Ibiza and/or Agia Napa under their own steam?

Al ,,i owe the Germans a fine from 1994 for a motoring offence + i also owe the French money from 2003 for speeding and i never turned up for a court appearance,,i suppose that puts me in the same wanted bracket as Osama Bin Laden ,i'm a bad MF .

If the German and French police are like ours about speeding fines, you are way higher up the wanted list than Osama. He only kills people, you SPEED!!!!

While we are on the subject, it occurs to me that the government sponsored message "Speed Kills" is wrong. If it were the case, then why are aeroplanes such a safe form of transport?

The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield.
2 weeks later, Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd, with only 20 minutes left to play.
The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod, and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 19 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When he comes off the pitch, he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hello, mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me".
"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters so the police keep barging in searching for him and any loot, and all while you were having such a great time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to liverpool in the first place!"

I very often see where a joke is heading before the punch line but not this time.

Brightened the day, Very funny.

LOL - great!

Altogether now with the Benny Hill theme tune.........

Here is a chronology of events since Paris Hilton's arrest in September last year.

Sept. 7: Officers arrest Paris Hilton in Hollywood for investigation of driving under the influence after she was spotted "driving erratically."

Sept. 26: Hilton is charged with misdemeanor driving under the influence.

Jan. 9: Hilton's lawyers enter not guilty pleas on her behalf to one count each of driving under the influence and driving with a blood-alcohol level of .08 or above.

Jan. 15: Hilton is pulled over by California Highway Patrol and informed that her license is suspended. She signs a document acknowledging she is not to drive.

Jan. 22: Hilton pleads no contest to a reduced charge of alcohol-related reckless driving. She is placed on three years probation, ordered to enroll in alcohol education and pay $1,500 in fines.

Feb. 27: Hilton is ticketed for misdemeanor driving with a suspended license. A copy of the document signed Jan. 15 is found in her glove compartment.

March 29: The city attorney's office says it will ask a judge to revoke Hilton's probation.

May 3: Prosecutors recommend Hilton serve 45 days in jail for a probation violation.

May 4: Judge Michael Sauer sentences Hilton to 45 days in jail.

May 6: Publicist Elliot Mintz says he and Hilton have parted ways over an apparent "misunderstanding she received from me regarding the terms of her probation."

May 8: Hilton rehires Mintz.

May 9: Hilton hires a new attorney, Richard A. Hutton, who specializes in DUI (Driving Under the Influence) cases.

May 14: Psychiatrist Charles Sophy says in court documents that Hilton is "distraught and traumatized as a consequence of the findings at the May 4 hearing ... and her fear of incarceration."

May 16: Sheriff's officials say Hilton will serve 23 days in a special unit away from the general population.

May 17: Hilton drops an appeal of her jail sentence.

June 3: Hilton reports to the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood after attending the MTV Movie Awards and saying she's ready to serve her sentence.

June 4: Hilton's attorney says his client is doing well under the circumstances.

June 7: Hilton is released from jail because of an undisclosed medical problem and is ordered serve the rest of her sentence in home confinement. Judge Sauer later orders Hilton to appear in his courtroom to determine whether she should return to jail. Hilton's spokesmen Elliot Mintz's stated the heiress was "suffering from acute home sickness, painful detoxification and can't sleep away from her toy poodle Kinkajou." Bummer, eh? The Office of Lee Baca allegedly stated that Pairs Hilton did allegedly visit the Sheriff allegedly after midnight on Wednesday, but also stated the alleged sexual encounter that allegedly followed was "in no way related to her release."

June 8: Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer sends the sheriff to her home and orders Paris Hilton be brought to court Friday for a hearing on her early release from jail rather than listen to the proceedings by telephone.

Watch this space.....

Would that be this space ?

Deputies escorted Hilton out of the room, holding each of her arms as she looked back.

Suspicions confirmed - she's a hydra.

Love it Al .

docproc, looks like she's been a busy girl. where on earth did she find the time to make all those "stolen" home movies ? (i wont post the links ....... )

heyyyyy !!

Happy days

;)

:P

Jeez, what about the midsummer weather????
The locals around here are tipping a plaugue of locusts for next week, followed by boils in early July.

Did you ever have a dream that was so real you thought it was real?
I did. Last night. I dreamt I was living in a place where people could make their own choices, providing it was sensible and reasonable, and the government would only interfere when it became a menace to others. They would intervene with tact, and well thought out policies that had a worth beyond newspaper headlines and appeasing net-curtain twitchers in mock tudor houses.
How wrong I was.
I was awoken from this Utopian idyll by two more of those news items that make you realise our economy was once a manufacturing economy, then a service economy and has now bottomed out as an economy based on surveys, studys and claptrap.
Lets make 2 things clear. Drunken drivers and child beaters should be tied naked in a desert and....................fill in the rest yourselves. It wouldn't be half as bad as the punishment I would give them.
But how about the latest codswallop from "Nanny UK".
It is time to revisit the legislation from only 3 years ago to see if we should take the reasonable chastisement part out of the childrens act, apparantly. Despite the fact that a survey showed 90% of the UK think a clip round the lughole is fine and might save us from a hoodie of the future, the net-curtain twitchers who know best are calling (again) for an outright ban.
Fine. As a father of 3 I will succumb to the rule of law, but never EVER try to make me responsible for the actions of my kids, because if I have no say in how they are raised and disciplined, then I cannot be responsible when they start smashing up a bus shelter for the hell of it.
And drink driving. We have the third safest roads in Europe. Behind Sweden and somewhere else I cannot recall. This is not good enough. There are a staggering 300+ injuries a year from accidents involving vehicles and alcohol.
Leap of logic time, guys. Lets lower the limit for alcohol to match the lowest in Europe. seems fine, but if you examine the figures, alcohol and vehicle related very often means a drunken pedestrian falling in front of the taxi that is trying to take him home!!
Please also bear in mind that the lower drink drive limits in Europe are often tiered. A small fine at X milligrammes, a bigger one at Y, and a ban at Z. Z being much higher than our limit. If you really want to reduce accidents start by looking at a much too easy driving test and 83 year olds driving so close to the windscreen their chests develop a groove for the steering wheel.
Seriously. I am 40 and I know that a 25 year old with a pint of Stella swilling around in him has better judgement than me and reaction times about 10 times faster, even if I am stone cold sober.
Sorry to be so long winded about it all, but this thread is to get things off your chest, and I needed the therapy, but when, next Christmas (Or Winterfest if the idiots get their way) you receive two life sentences, one for driving after a spoonfull of Aunt Gerts sherry trifle and one for giving your 12 year old a clip around the ear for setting fire to Uncle Freds greenhouse, don't say I didn't warn you.

Wmbledon , the championships are warming up fantastic ..