Thought Id start this one going because its rather dead on this board at the moment and I suppose all my usual muckers are either at the Stella tennis event watching Dim Tim (lose again) or at Henly Regatta eating cucumber sandwiches (they wish,...NOT).

Anyway please feel free to just talk to yourself blast away and let it go on any company or subject you wish. Just wish Id thought of this one before.

cheers GF.

Add to the list " Ursines defecate in arborial locations"

Stanelco announcement;

Stanelco announce they have been conducting secret trials in London of new materials from which to make Prime Ministers. Traditionally these people hang around for years after their usefull lives causing untold damage to the environment and costing a fortune in ermine.
30 years ago they experimented first with Iron (codename Thatcher) hoping it would rust away. While it was durable in use, it did not degrade as hoped, but rather left a lingering problem of decay.
Next they tried Plastic (codename Major) but found it was too easily bent and misshapen, causing it to have no firm cause or purpose, and so was unusable due to its inability to conduct power.
After this they had a good long trial of Teflon (codename Blair). It worked well as nothing thrown at it stuck. The trials had to be abandoned due to a patent dispute with the Bush Corporation, who eventually won control of Blair and the discovery that his non stick coating left a nasty taste in the mouth. It also failed to decompose entirely leaving behind traces of Cherie and Prescott.
The latest material to be tried is biodegradable, made entirely from scotch mist (codename Brown). This promises to break down completely within just a couple of years, but unfortunately has the drawback of lasting damage to Englands green and pleasant land and is completely transparant in everything it does. Consumers appear not to be keen on the new variant either.
The search is now on for a new material that will be serviceable for a few years, and then will disappear completely, without the expense of disposal, leaving no harmful effects on the country.
Scientists are not convinced this is possible, though a limited trial of a blancmange type substance (codename Boris) is underway in London that is proving to be amiable and popular, and is moldable to anything anyone wants.
However volume is a concern, and its appearance has a tendancy to make foreigners laugh.
Trial updates are predicted for this October.

And I thought all politicians were made of Latex. You know the stuff they make condoms out of. After all they both cover a load of D***S, and have very little other uses.

This week has seen major world news of the worst possible kind.
A disaster of biblical proportions that has shaken humanity to the very core. This is not something I should be flippant about as it is beyond belief, the amount of suffering and distress it will cause, and the way traditional relief agencies cannot cope or help those suffering in any meaningful way.
I have considered starting a charitable foundation to aid those affected, but I do not know how to do it. I am that stricken with grief by the plight of all those whose lives have been changed for ever.
I am refering not to China who had a bit of a shake, or Burma with the breeze problems. I refer to a disasterous report from Hampshire Health Authority telling us we must no longer eat Donner Kebabs.
Apparantly they are the equivilent of drinking a wineglass full of cooking oil, washed down with a shovel of salt and just looking at one is enough to turn arteries to lead pipes and give a heart more scars than a really bad stuntman. Actually eating one they argue, should be reclassified as attempted suicide. I was hoping the report would treat them like fruit etc. and recommend 5 a day.
I, and everyone I know, is distraught at this great loss of a traditional late night meal.
Millions will be devastated (especially on Saturday nights) and imagine the loss of employment. Both of the vendors of Kebabs and those employed to clear up vomit splashes on a Sunday morning.
My friends and I are to organise a wake for this great british tradition and the end of Friday and Saturday nights as we know them.

It appears that the powers that be are looking at including house prices (increases/decreases) in the Consumer Price Index.
For many years house prices have been rising well above inflation. Only now they are entering into a downward price trend the thoughts are to include them in the index.
No doubt the government will state the suggested inclusion is nothing to do with the house price index being in a downward trend, it is being included because as Gordon Brown stated, "we will start listen to the people".
Yer Right!
Or am I just being a cynical b*****d.

Alan,

I had a Donner once. She was quite hairy as well as fat, but after a few bevy's she as I remember it looked gorgeous. But then don't they all.
(apologies to any Donna's out there).

Greek.

Yet another Government scam.

It was reported this AM, BBC News that in general a diesel powered car is less pollutant than a petrol equivalent.
Yet the most up to date official figures for fuel tax available (1st Oct 2007) are.

Petrol (unleaded) fuel tax = 53.65p per litre.
Conventional diesel fuel tax = 56.94 per litre.

Obviously the other tax levied (VAT) increases with every increase in price.

No doubt if/when an alternative none polluting, environmentally neutral fuel is found, taxes will become just as high on that fuel source. So much for the never ending official statements that one reason for these fuel taxes are to encourage end users to become more environmentally friendly, IE Green Tax.

We all know the motorist is an easy target and that the taxes are so high for the sole reason of filling the massive hole in this mis-governments coffers.
Why do they still spin the same old rubbish.

Because it works?

Hi Kayak,

But does it. Who believes it anymore (if they ever did).
But I suppose there are some people about who with an IQ of 10 or less still believe
or just don't care.
Come the revolution bother!

Doesn't really matter if they believe it, they still drive, just like they still drink and smoke in spite of the punitive taxes there too.

I believe it!!!!
I am famous for my stupidity and believing everything ever said.
I believed the government that I should eat 5 a day, even though the dentist tells me my teeth will only last a fortnight with that much fructose and acid.
I believed the government when they said the 5% addition of biofuel will reduce my carbon footprint even though scientists tell us it is about 20 times as lethal to the atmosphere.
I believed my scIEnce teacher when he said i comes before e, except after c.
I believe that striking teachers only have the best interests of the kids at heart.
I believe anything I'm told. I just can't believe Gordon Brown still has a job.

And when the MP's expenses are published, I bet you will believe that our Honorable Members (oxymoron if ever there was one), tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me voter.

Other oxymorons in the recent press re MP's/Government.
Government assistance
Government efficiency
Government integrity
Government initiative
Government Intelligence
Government organization
Government Worker
Governmental Efficiency

Not doubt you clever lot will add some more.

And the most kick ass annoying government sponsored (paid for by Tax Payers)advert is 'Tax doesn't have to be taxing' Now that does really p**s me off.

A civil service where the employees are neither civil nor servile??????

Greek,
You have stumbled on a governmental truism.
The department for industry always presided over unemployment.
The defence of the realm act was used to attack other countries.
The defence department attacks anyone.
The freedom of information act tells us when we can keep things secret.
The data protection act shows how we can share data.
The education secretary has never had an education.
The home office is responsible for immigration and is staffed by illegal aliens.
And so on and so on.............................

I knew I was opening a can of worms on this one, (or is it maggots).

And another one. When it comes to declaring MP's expenses, The Speaker of the house tells everyone to keep quiet.

Sorry to intrude.
Oldie', no help towards council tax,as no income(true)
Bus pass(Paid for by your council)
Council tax for picking up my rubbish 1647.
mac

David Attenborough, a man for whom I have untold respect, Loves slugs. And beetles and all kinds of creepy crawlies. Even he cannot find it in him to like estate agents, so with trepidation I found myself in conversation with a member of this much unloved species.
They were in a state of woe. Sackcloth, ashes, the full works. At the moment, they explained, they couldn't sell a ticket to a naked All Saints concert, never mind a cheap house in a desirable location.
The reason? They argued it was a combination of the media and peoples unencumbered ability to be stupid.
Apparantly the press have been a little less than honest about the housing market (Pot - Kettle??). They are carrying stories that housing sales are down 35-40%, which is true, but writing it in such a way that people read it that house prices are falling by 35-40%. Punters, for their part, are swallowing it hook line and sinker and vendors are now removing property from the books, as they are not prepared to show people round when the offer may be half the asking price and buyers are convinced that they can get a 200k house for about 110k.
I don't know who is the most stupid here. The agent, the media or the public, but in keeping with the theme of this thread, I will blame the government on 2 counts.
Firstly if they had bothered to educate the masses they would presumably be able to read the articles correctly and know that house prices have not yet fallen and may only fall by about 5%. Secondly they are prepared to spend gazillions of pounds telling both people who do not know, that smoking and drinking may be bad for you yet they could spend about 40 running an ad correcting the story in order to save the economy.
No one would ever believe them though.

Hmmm? 110,000, you say?

Would that include the buying costs?

Oh, and where is that concert again?

The answer to the UK's housing market problem?

I wonder what the couple on the star holiday advert are looking at?

I'm going to address a touchy subject here, so I want to be clear I am not belittling or satirising (wouldn't know how) a very serious subject.

The events of yesterday in Exeter demand more thought.
Firstly I heard a copper on telly saying a man had gone into a loo, there'd been an explosion and he had come out with burnt hands and face. Fair enough. That sounds like a bomb gone wrong or an unreasonably hot curry to me. The copper then goes on to say it is being treated as "suspicious". Well thanks for that, copper. I'd never have worked it out without your incisive detection.
Now apparantly, the police are reporting it as a bloke with a bomb strapped to him that detonated while being primed. They go on to say he was mentally unstable.
Call me Mr Silly, but I would love to meet a mentally stable person who would strap explosives to himself and try to kill as many people as possible. We evidently have differing definitions of mental stability, which is perhaps why I never joined the police.
So we have a (mercifully) averted tragedy followed by a Keystone Kops farce. I hope this does not detract from a very pressing problem. I refer to the coverage of the event.
If one reads the news, the police are making it appear that islamic fundamentalists are specifically targeting those with mental illness for radicalisation. If this is true, then it is a very sorry state, and very worrying. If it is not true, then I am more worried than ever, for that would mean the police differentiating between asian islamic terrorists (as being a bunch of anti-christs) and white islamic terrorists (as being dysfunctional and misguided, preyed upon by those nasty anti-christs I just mentioned).
The law should be blind. It should not be either stupid or racist, but it appears both in Exeter. I hope I am wrong. I hope this man gets exactly the same punishment as any other terrorist, should he be found guilty, but I have a nasty feeling he will receive leniency based on his mental health. That will send out entirely the wrong message and could do more harm to race relations than electing Jim Davison as head of equality.

Serious trousers off now. Back to being silly.