Pregnant prostitute ---- BRILLIANT













Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute..










"Do you know who the father is?"







"For goodness sakes, if you ate a tin of beans






would you know which one made you fart?"she replied.

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me,



an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla for yen.



Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too

I posted this one some years ago on another thread so apologies for those that saw it.

Mickey and Minnie Mouse in the divorce court.

The Judge says to Mickey, ''I can't give you a divorce on the grounds that Minnie Mouse has protruding teeth''
Mickey replies, ''I didn't say she had protruding teeth, I said she was f-----g Goofy''
2517

Tom was working in the garden and his wife was upstairs, about to take a shower. Tom realized that he couldn't find the rake and yelled up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

She couldn't really hear him and shouted back, "What?"

He pointed to his eye, and then he pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.

His wife was a bit puzzled and again said "What?"

He repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

His wife indicated that she understood and signalled back. She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she pointed to her backside and finally to her crotch.

Well, there was no way in hell Tom could even come close to that one.

Exasperated, he went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"

She replied, "Eye - Left Tit - Behind – The Bush"

For all Who Work With Rude Customers, isn't it a shame WE can't actually do this!


An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,"F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.





Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'





At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'





At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'





Mummy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the Hell up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

3friends from uni would meet up once a year,one a mistress,a girlfriend and a wife.After a few to many drinks their lovelife came up,each felt it had become a little stale.So they all agreed to fress up in Black letherware and see what effect it would have?
At the next get tigether they compared their exoeriences,the mistress told how
they made love all night long,the girl fruend had the same responce,they looj at the wife wfo was a littke quite before relaying her experience.
I decided to cook him his favorate meal to add a ltle extra and dressed up was bent over getting the meal out of the iven,when he came through the door,












he slapped my backside and









asked : what's for dinner ,"BATMAN"

Two very old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Sundays together for so
many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike." "Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike--it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice." "Joe! Where are
you?" "In heaven", replies Joe.. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first ," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired." That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news? "You're in the team for this Saturday."

Black and White?
(Under the age of 40? You won't understand.)




My mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e. coli

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
We all took PE ..... and risked permanent injury with a pair of Dunlop sandshoes instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

We got the cane for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to honour & respect those older than us.

We had 30+ kids in our class and we all learned to read and write, do maths and spell almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct letter......., FUNNY THAT!!

We all said prayers in school and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. We weren't!!

Oh yeah ... and where was the antibiotics and sterilisation kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played “King of the Hill” on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mum pulled out the 2/6p bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked.


Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.

How could we possibly have known that?

We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes.

We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!

How did we ever survive?

LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA.
AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T, SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED.
I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!

Pass this to someone and remember that life's most simple pleasures are very often the best.

AAAAh, those WERE the days!!!!

Amen to that skinny :O)

Good old days!

Well said Skinny, although your post bought back so many memories of my childhood, I have just made an appointment with my therapist.

Funny how years ago you hardly even saw a kid that did not have grazed knees.

I think that was a reason we all wore short trousers until the age of 14 (or in my case a sailor suit, but that's another story) in order to save on holes in long trousers.

I would think that if you did not that would have been a reason for calling in Social Services as it probably meant that kid was being kept indoors too much, whereas now grazed knees would probably be a sign of neglect.

Strange old world, ain't it!

.

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pi**ed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon mum? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, young man, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you going to tell him, or do you want me to?"

nice one HARRYCAT.

Doggone!

Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."

So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"


Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks,..........."Was that cross enough?"

LOL !!

NO WONDER SO MANY OLDER GUYS RECKON THEY HAVE




PROSTATE PROBLEMS!!!


















An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist



as a precaution.






When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.






The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.






I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,




'99'.
The old guy obeys and says,




"99".




The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,




'99".




Again, the old guy says,




'99'."
The doctor said, “Very good”.




Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.




I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.




Now take a deep breath and say,




'99'.




The old guy begins,




"One....




two…




three…"

You don't stop laughing because you grow old.

The last time I had my prostrate checked it was by a young quite pretty doctor and a nurse to assist as it required 2 to hold and 1 to probe.

As I understand it that test is going out as there is now a faster and easier method which does not including penetration.

Yet another case of the NHS not considering the patient.