Two very old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Sundays together for so
many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike." "Who is it? Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Mike--it's me, Joe." "You're not Joe. Joe just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice." "Joe! Where are
you?" "In heaven", replies Joe.. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first ," says Mike. "The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired." That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news? "You're in the team for this Saturday."

Black and White?
(Under the age of 40? You won't understand.)




My mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e. coli

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
We all took PE ..... and risked permanent injury with a pair of Dunlop sandshoes instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

We got the cane for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to honour & respect those older than us.

We had 30+ kids in our class and we all learned to read and write, do maths and spell almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct letter......., FUNNY THAT!!

We all said prayers in school and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. We weren't!!

Oh yeah ... and where was the antibiotics and sterilisation kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played “King of the Hill” on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mum pulled out the 2/6p bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked.


Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.

How could we possibly have known that?

We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes.

We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!

How did we ever survive?

LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA.
AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T, SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED.
I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!

Pass this to someone and remember that life's most simple pleasures are very often the best.

AAAAh, those WERE the days!!!!

Amen to that skinny :O)

Good old days!

Well said Skinny, although your post bought back so many memories of my childhood, I have just made an appointment with my therapist.

Funny how years ago you hardly even saw a kid that did not have grazed knees.

I think that was a reason we all wore short trousers until the age of 14 (or in my case a sailor suit, but that's another story) in order to save on holes in long trousers.

I would think that if you did not that would have been a reason for calling in Social Services as it probably meant that kid was being kept indoors too much, whereas now grazed knees would probably be a sign of neglect.

Strange old world, ain't it!

.

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pi**ed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon mum? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, young man, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you going to tell him, or do you want me to?"

nice one HARRYCAT.

Doggone!

Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."

So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"


Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks,..........."Was that cross enough?"

LOL !!

NO WONDER SO MANY OLDER GUYS RECKON THEY HAVE




PROSTATE PROBLEMS!!!


















An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist



as a precaution.






When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.






The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.






I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,




'99'.
The old guy obeys and says,




"99".




The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,




'99".




Again, the old guy says,




'99'."
The doctor said, “Very good”.




Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.




I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.




Now take a deep breath and say,




'99'.




The old guy begins,




"One....




two…




three…"

You don't stop laughing because you grow old.

The last time I had my prostrate checked it was by a young quite pretty doctor and a nurse to assist as it required 2 to hold and 1 to probe.

As I understand it that test is going out as there is now a faster and easier method which does not including penetration.

Yet another case of the NHS not considering the patient.

Nice jokes you two. :-)

Pleased to see you're still around, greekman. :-)

I've just discovered my girlfriends Twitter, its the space between her C*#T and her Shitter..!!

Hi ExecLine,

Yes still around thanks.

I LOVE THIS WOMAN

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam..

I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"



"Yes, I know," said the lady.

"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."



"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.



The woman looked down, then back up at the man
and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.

I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Fifty Shades of Grey Hair




The missus bought a Paperback




down Dymocks, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
T’was “fifty shades of grey”.

Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…..

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and…
Said…. I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Doris,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.

She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought what the hell,
Stepped forward,
and stood on her left tit!

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one”!!

Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,….
Turned “fifty shades of Grey”.

V Good

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure, your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."



The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a
Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on
the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad
eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."


The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."