Amen to that skinny :O)

Good old days!

Well said Skinny, although your post bought back so many memories of my childhood, I have just made an appointment with my therapist.

Funny how years ago you hardly even saw a kid that did not have grazed knees.

I think that was a reason we all wore short trousers until the age of 14 (or in my case a sailor suit, but that's another story) in order to save on holes in long trousers.

I would think that if you did not that would have been a reason for calling in Social Services as it probably meant that kid was being kept indoors too much, whereas now grazed knees would probably be a sign of neglect.

Strange old world, ain't it!

.

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pi**ed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon mum? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, young man, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you going to tell him, or do you want me to?"

nice one HARRYCAT.

Doggone!

Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."

So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"


Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks,..........."Was that cross enough?"

LOL !!

NO WONDER SO MANY OLDER GUYS RECKON THEY HAVE




PROSTATE PROBLEMS!!!


















An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist



as a precaution.






When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.






The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.






I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,




'99'.
The old guy obeys and says,




"99".




The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,




'99".




Again, the old guy says,




'99'."
The doctor said, “Very good”.




Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.




I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.




Now take a deep breath and say,




'99'.




The old guy begins,




"One....




two…




three…"

You don't stop laughing because you grow old.

The last time I had my prostrate checked it was by a young quite pretty doctor and a nurse to assist as it required 2 to hold and 1 to probe.

As I understand it that test is going out as there is now a faster and easier method which does not including penetration.

Yet another case of the NHS not considering the patient.

Nice jokes you two. :-)

Pleased to see you're still around, greekman. :-)

I've just discovered my girlfriends Twitter, its the space between her C*#T and her Shitter..!!

Hi ExecLine,

Yes still around thanks.

I LOVE THIS WOMAN

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam..

I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"



"Yes, I know," said the lady.

"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."



"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.



The woman looked down, then back up at the man
and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.

I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Fifty Shades of Grey Hair




The missus bought a Paperback




down Dymocks, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
T’was “fifty shades of grey”.

Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…..

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and…
Said…. I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Doris,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.

She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought what the hell,
Stepped forward,
and stood on her left tit!

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one”!!

Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,….
Turned “fifty shades of Grey”.

V Good

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure, your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."



The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a
Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on
the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad
eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."


The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

CWMAM,

Your jokes have given me some great laughs on these dark autum days.

Where the hell do you find them!