Ten out of ten washlander thats the up to date one.

GW BUSH STAMPS

After one year of the war of liberation of Iraq President George Bush wanted a special Iraqi postage stamp issued, with his head pictured on it. He so instructed the director of United States Postal Service, stressing that postage stamp should be of international quality.

The stamps were duly released. But Bush began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious. He called the Paul Bremer and ordered him to investigate the matter.

Paul Bremer checked the matter out at several post offices in Iraq and then reported on the problem to Bush. He said: "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, Iraqi citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"

Here's anothe Bush Joke:

President George Bush is visiting an elementary school and he enters one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says,
"If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that
would be a TRAGEDY?"


"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

WHO'S IN CHARGE? BODY MEETING
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?

The a**hole is usually in charge.

that would be the wife then? LOL

www.cnn.com can email you jokes every day.They are called :- offbeat
rgds aj

So, George Bush and Tony Blair both die together in a 'copter crash

They go up to the pearly gates of Heaven
No-one is there, but they can hear voices at the other side

George Knocks hard on the gate


Voice; loud: "Assalamu Alaikum"

George;quietly: "Aw....sugar, forget it"

A man and his wife are in bed asleep. At 4.30 am the phone rings. The man wakes up and answers it, His wife wakes up and hears him shouting.....NO, NOW F**K OFF AND TRY THE WEATHER CENTRE. She sheepishly says errr....who was that darling, he replies I don't know some idiot asking if the coast was clear.

david beckham got a jigsaw off his wife for christmas, she new that he had never done one before ,so she bought an easy one, 4 months later its complete ,he tells broklyn the good news, he tells his teacher,next day when he takes his son to school the teacher asks david why its took him so long, and also ask how many pieces was it, he said there was 8,,,, 8 the teacher said and its took you this long .david said i no it said 3//to// 5 years on the box........

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of
pounds for a meal.

The man took out his wallet and extracted ten pounds. But before he
handed it over, he asked cautiously, "If I give you this money, will you
just end up buying some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago." the homeless man replied.

"Well, will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can
get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"
the man asked.

"Are you NUTS?!?" replied the increasingly irritated homeless man. "I
haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead
of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy quid?!!" exclaimed the homeless
man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks
like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his brand new BMW into a
petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf-pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Feckin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything!"

HOME FOR LUNCH
An exquisite painting entitled Home for Lunch was on display in a Cardiff art gallery. It depicted three very naked, very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.
Two women were staring at the painting, trying to figure it out. The artist noticed their confusion. He asked, Can I help you with this painting?
One women replied, We were curious about the painting of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?
Im afraid youve misinterpreted the painting, the artist explained. The three men are not African-Caribbean. They are Welsh coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch.

SON OF A BITCH
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son ofa bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call ! him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he pumped me fast and furious..."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "Ahh... That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

hhaha

Not a week for joking but something has to lift the market. George's arrival at the appropriate place left me with some hope for next week.


George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do with you here," says the devil."You are on my list, but I have no room for you." "You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.""I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell."No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time."No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."The devil smiled and said..........."OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

what do you call a german who breaks out of prison with the use of a mobile phone ?hans free

WHO'S IN CHARGE? BODY MEETING
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?

The a**hole is usually in charge.

what time does saddam have his tea,
same time as tariq azzees

Understanding Cause And Effect


A blue-bottle fly was buzzing down the river and a salmon swimming in the
river below saw him and thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down
river I can jump up and eat him for my lunch".

Unbeknownst to the salmon a big bear was sitting on the river bank and he
also saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to
fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him and I can reach out my
paw and catch the salmon for my dinner".

Unbeknownst to the big bear a hunter was on the opposite bank of the river
and he also saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle
to fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach
out his paw and catch him and I will roll over and shoot the bear as a
trophy".

Unbeknownst to the hunter a mouse was sitting beside him and he also saw
the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down
river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach out his paw
and catch him, the hunter will roll over and shoot the bear and I will
grab the sandwich that falls out of his pocket".

Unbeknownst to the mouse a cat was hiding in the bushes and he also saw
the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down
river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach out his
paw and catch him, the hunter will roll over and shoot the bear, the mouse
will grab the sandwich from the hunter's pocket and I will jump on the
mouse".

So the blue bottle flew down river; the salmon leaped up and caught the
fly; the big bear reached out his paw and caught the salmon; the hunter
rolled over and shot the bear; the mouse grabbed the sandwich from the
hunter's pocket; and the cat jumped, missed and fell into the river.

The moral of the story being you need a lot of foreplay to get a wet
pussy.