www.cnn.com can email you jokes every day.They are called :- offbeat
rgds aj

So, George Bush and Tony Blair both die together in a 'copter crash

They go up to the pearly gates of Heaven
No-one is there, but they can hear voices at the other side

George Knocks hard on the gate


Voice; loud: "Assalamu Alaikum"

George;quietly: "Aw....sugar, forget it"

A man and his wife are in bed asleep. At 4.30 am the phone rings. The man wakes up and answers it, His wife wakes up and hears him shouting.....NO, NOW F**K OFF AND TRY THE WEATHER CENTRE. She sheepishly says errr....who was that darling, he replies I don't know some idiot asking if the coast was clear.

david beckham got a jigsaw off his wife for christmas, she new that he had never done one before ,so she bought an easy one, 4 months later its complete ,he tells broklyn the good news, he tells his teacher,next day when he takes his son to school the teacher asks david why its took him so long, and also ask how many pieces was it, he said there was 8,,,, 8 the teacher said and its took you this long .david said i no it said 3//to// 5 years on the box........

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of
pounds for a meal.

The man took out his wallet and extracted ten pounds. But before he
handed it over, he asked cautiously, "If I give you this money, will you
just end up buying some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago." the homeless man replied.

"Well, will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can
get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"
the man asked.

"Are you NUTS?!?" replied the increasingly irritated homeless man. "I
haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead
of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy quid?!!" exclaimed the homeless
man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks
like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his brand new BMW into a
petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf-pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Feckin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything!"

HOME FOR LUNCH
An exquisite painting entitled Home for Lunch was on display in a Cardiff art gallery. It depicted three very naked, very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.
Two women were staring at the painting, trying to figure it out. The artist noticed their confusion. He asked, Can I help you with this painting?
One women replied, We were curious about the painting of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?
Im afraid youve misinterpreted the painting, the artist explained. The three men are not African-Caribbean. They are Welsh coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch.

SON OF A BITCH
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son ofa bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call ! him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he pumped me fast and furious..."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "Ahh... That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

hhaha

Not a week for joking but something has to lift the market. George's arrival at the appropriate place left me with some hope for next week.


George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do with you here," says the devil."You are on my list, but I have no room for you." "You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.""I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell."No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time."No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."The devil smiled and said..........."OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

what do you call a german who breaks out of prison with the use of a mobile phone ?hans free

WHO'S IN CHARGE? BODY MEETING
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?

The a**hole is usually in charge.

what time does saddam have his tea,
same time as tariq azzees

Understanding Cause And Effect


A blue-bottle fly was buzzing down the river and a salmon swimming in the
river below saw him and thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down
river I can jump up and eat him for my lunch".

Unbeknownst to the salmon a big bear was sitting on the river bank and he
also saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to
fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him and I can reach out my
paw and catch the salmon for my dinner".

Unbeknownst to the big bear a hunter was on the opposite bank of the river
and he also saw the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle
to fly down river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach
out his paw and catch him and I will roll over and shoot the bear as a
trophy".

Unbeknownst to the hunter a mouse was sitting beside him and he also saw
the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down
river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach out his paw
and catch him, the hunter will roll over and shoot the bear and I will
grab the sandwich that falls out of his pocket".

Unbeknownst to the mouse a cat was hiding in the bushes and he also saw
the blue bottle; he thought "If I wait for the blue bottle to fly down
river, the salmon will jump up to eat him, the bear will reach out his
paw and catch him, the hunter will roll over and shoot the bear, the mouse
will grab the sandwich from the hunter's pocket and I will jump on the
mouse".

So the blue bottle flew down river; the salmon leaped up and caught the
fly; the big bear reached out his paw and caught the salmon; the hunter
rolled over and shot the bear; the mouse grabbed the sandwich from the
hunter's pocket; and the cat jumped, missed and fell into the river.

The moral of the story being you need a lot of foreplay to get a wet
pussy.

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to
operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the
best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts
left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you
said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine, and the head
and the rear-end are interchangeable."

TWO DRUNKEN WOMEN...........
TWO WOMAN FRIENDS,,INCREDIBLY DRUNK AND WALKING HOME GOT CAUGHT SHORT,
AS THEY WHERE NEAR A GRAVEYARD ONE OF THEM SAID ,,LETS POP IN HERE AND GO BEHIND A GRAVE STONE AND HAVE A PISS.
ONE OF THEM HAD NOTHING TO WIPE WITH, SO SHE THOUGHT SHE`D TAKE HER PANTS OFF AND WIPE HER SELF DOWN,AND THROW THEM AWAY AFTER,
HER FRIEND HOW EVER WAS WEARING A RATHER EXPENSIVE UNDERWEAR SET AND DIDN`T WANT TO RUIN HER`S BUT WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO SALVAGE A LARGE RED RIBBON FROM A WREATH THAT WAS ON ONE OF THE GRAVES AND PROCEEDED TO WIPE HERSELF WITH THAT.THEY THEN MADE OFF HOME.

THE NEXT DAY ONE WOMAN`S HUSBAND PHONED THE OTHER AND SAID,,,,we better keep an eye on our wives you no,,mine came back last night with no pants on.......

thats nothing said the other guy,,,MINE CAME BACK WITH A CARD STUCK BETWEEN HER ARSE THAT SAID FROM ALL THE LADS AT THE FIRE STATION WE`LL NEVER FORGET YOU......

http://www.keithhearn.net/skirts.htm


The latest in Fashion. chortle.........

police arrested two kids today,,,,,,one was drinking battery acid,,,,,the other was eating fireworks..

they charged one and let the other one off.

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat.

Now he's President of the United States."

===========================

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,

"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

==================================

Around 3 weeks ago, I received an envelope from St. Mathews Church in my mail..Completely unsolicited. It was just an invitation to receive a free booklet by mail, if I filled out and returned the form inside the envelope via a pre-paid envelope they had enclosed. Well, These things irritate me.. I don't push my beliefs at other people, and I expect them to do the same for me. So.. I took the envelope they enclosed, stuffed everything back into it EXCEPT the form to receive their free pamplet. That, I threw away. I sealed the envelope, and instead of my own name in the upper left front corner, I made it out to be from "Nemo Precipuus". Those of you familiar with latin, or at least, those of you with access to a decent translation program, will see the meaning of this. I would have thought St. Mathew's Church would have..I mean, Latin IS mostly used by Catholic and Christian churches these days, yes? Well..apparently they didn't..Nore did they even check for the form to be inside the envelope.. This week, I've received their little booklet, addressed to "Nemo Precipuus", at my address. I thought it was the funniest thing I've seen in quite a few years.. Perhaps a few of you will get a chuckle out of this as well.. Just goes to show..you can't depend on the other fellow to have a decent education..