Lol!

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard, "Woman without her man is nothing." The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly. The men wrote, "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote, "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

The Queen is in Glasgow and she bumped into Alex Salmond.

HMtQ: How nice to see you Mr Salmond.

AS: Nice to see you Ma’am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence ? How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I’ll be a King?

HMtQ: No, we don’t like that.

AS: Empire, and I'll be Emperor?

HMtQ: No.

AS: All right, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I’ll be a Prince?

HMtQ: No, Mr Salmond, I suggest we call it a Country and you can carry on as you are.

Very good..

Lol!

It's an old joke but I still like it! :-

David Cameron and Nick Clegg walk into a bookshop and ask for a book on coalitions.

The storekeeper says, "It's over there on the left... sorry, I mean the right... No! I tell a lie. We sold out."

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband began to touch her in ways he hadn´t , in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and then down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ´That was wonderful. Why did you stop?´

He replied, ´I found the remote.´

How to increase your home security!

"I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch.

I've got two National flags of Pakistan raised in my front garden, one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the centre.

The local police, MI5 and other intelligence services are all watching my house 24/7.

I've never felt safer!"

Lol

A woman has trouble luring her man into bed & as a last resort, she goes to a Chinese medicine shop, in a quest to make herself more alluring.


On entering the Chinese medicine shop, she is shown into the back room, to be confronted by a wizened old Chinese medicine man.


The medicine man asks the woman to remove all her clothes, get on her hands & knees, then crawl away from him, then back again.


She does this a dozen times, while the Chinese medicine man studiously takes notes.


The medicine man, then says "Ok, I have made my diagnosis, you may put your clothes back on.


The flustered woman, asks "So what exactly is wrong with me?"


The Chinese medicine man says "Well, I'm afraid you have 'Exackery disease.


Woman, "Is there a cure for it?"


Medicine man, "No, I'm afraid not"


Woman, "Well what exactly is exackery disease?"


Chinese medicine man, "Well, your arse look exackery like your face.

Just Like Insurance For Cars, Property, Sports etc.,
You Can Now Get Insurance For Sex !!

Make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having.

To assist, please find a list of companies catering for most tastes :-

a). Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

b). Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.

c). Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.

d). Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.

e). Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than.

f). Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.

g). Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union.

h). Sex with your maid - Employer's Liability.

i). Sex with an OAP - Saga.

j). Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident.

. . . . . . . . . finally

k). Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com

Make sure you are adequately covered!

Very clever. :-)

I imagine Ecclesiastical Insurance might
suit those who practise coitus interruptus!

A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney’s larger constructions.

First he took him to a bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What’s that!” In reply the Australian said, "Thats the Gladesville Bridge".

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men."

The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would've done it in 2 years with 500 men."

They moved on a little. "What's that" said the Texan. "That's the Sydney Opera House" was the reply.

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men". The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would've done it in 4 years with 200 men."

By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan's attitude so he decided to get some revenge. They walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbour Bridge came into view.

Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What's that?"

The Australian Engineer replied, "Strewth, I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."

The Joy of being Self employed


The Newfoundland Department of Employment claimed a boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to Burin to investigate him.

GOVT AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my hired hand; he's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Lamb's rum and a dozen Labatt Lite every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."

GOVT AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"

: ))

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!



Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?



Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.



The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:



"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

A lonely widow, age 70, decided it was time to get married again...

She put an ad in the local paper...






HUSBAND WANTED...

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's)...

MUST NOT BEAT ME...

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME...

MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON...




A day later the doorbell rang...



Much to her dismay...



she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman...



sitting in a wheelchair...



He had no arms or legs...



The woman asked...



'You're not really asking me to consider you... are you?


Just look at you...you have no legs...



The man smiled... 'Therefore... I cannot run around on you!'



She snorted... 'You don't have any arms either!'



Again the man smiled... 'Therefore... I can never beat you!'



She raised an eyebrow and asked intently... 'Are you still good in bed???'



The man leaned back... beamed a big smile and replied...


'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

Like it - the joke I meant. Ha! Ha!