Lol!

It's an old joke but I still like it! :-

David Cameron and Nick Clegg walk into a bookshop and ask for a book on coalitions.

The storekeeper says, "It's over there on the left... sorry, I mean the right... No! I tell a lie. We sold out."

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband began to touch her in ways he hadn´t , in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and then down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ´That was wonderful. Why did you stop?´

He replied, ´I found the remote.´

How to increase your home security!

"I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch.

I've got two National flags of Pakistan raised in my front garden, one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the centre.

The local police, MI5 and other intelligence services are all watching my house 24/7.

I've never felt safer!"

Lol

A woman has trouble luring her man into bed & as a last resort, she goes to a Chinese medicine shop, in a quest to make herself more alluring.


On entering the Chinese medicine shop, she is shown into the back room, to be confronted by a wizened old Chinese medicine man.


The medicine man asks the woman to remove all her clothes, get on her hands & knees, then crawl away from him, then back again.


She does this a dozen times, while the Chinese medicine man studiously takes notes.


The medicine man, then says "Ok, I have made my diagnosis, you may put your clothes back on.


The flustered woman, asks "So what exactly is wrong with me?"


The Chinese medicine man says "Well, I'm afraid you have 'Exackery disease.


Woman, "Is there a cure for it?"


Medicine man, "No, I'm afraid not"


Woman, "Well what exactly is exackery disease?"


Chinese medicine man, "Well, your arse look exackery like your face.

Just Like Insurance For Cars, Property, Sports etc.,
You Can Now Get Insurance For Sex !!

Make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having.

To assist, please find a list of companies catering for most tastes :-

a). Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

b). Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.

c). Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.

d). Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.

e). Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than.

f). Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.

g). Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union.

h). Sex with your maid - Employer's Liability.

i). Sex with an OAP - Saga.

j). Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident.

. . . . . . . . . finally

k). Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com

Make sure you are adequately covered!

Very clever. :-)

I imagine Ecclesiastical Insurance might
suit those who practise coitus interruptus!

A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney’s larger constructions.

First he took him to a bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What’s that!” In reply the Australian said, "Thats the Gladesville Bridge".

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men."

The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would've done it in 2 years with 500 men."

They moved on a little. "What's that" said the Texan. "That's the Sydney Opera House" was the reply.

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?” The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men". The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would've done it in 4 years with 200 men."

By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan's attitude so he decided to get some revenge. They walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbour Bridge came into view.

Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What's that?"

The Australian Engineer replied, "Strewth, I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."

The Joy of being Self employed


The Newfoundland Department of Employment claimed a boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to Burin to investigate him.

GOVT AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my hired hand; he's been with me for three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Lamb's rum and a dozen Labatt Lite every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."

GOVT AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"

: ))

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!



Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?



Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.



The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:



"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

A lonely widow, age 70, decided it was time to get married again...

She put an ad in the local paper...






HUSBAND WANTED...

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's)...

MUST NOT BEAT ME...

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME...

MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON...




A day later the doorbell rang...



Much to her dismay...



she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman...



sitting in a wheelchair...



He had no arms or legs...



The woman asked...



'You're not really asking me to consider you... are you?


Just look at you...you have no legs...



The man smiled... 'Therefore... I cannot run around on you!'



She snorted... 'You don't have any arms either!'



Again the man smiled... 'Therefore... I can never beat you!'



She raised an eyebrow and asked intently... 'Are you still good in bed???'



The man leaned back... beamed a big smile and replied...


'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

Like it - the joke I meant. Ha! Ha!

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
"I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory everyday and learn the operation so that you can become rich and successful and take the business on in the future.”
The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”
“I see.” replied the father-in-law, “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”
“I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk.” “Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half owner of a money-making industry, but you don’t like factories, and won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?”
“Easy,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out!”

A mother had 3 daughters, all were getting married within a short time of each other.
Because mum was a bit worried, she made them all promise to send a postcard from their honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex was.
The first card was from her daughter on honeymoon in Hawaii, it read just 'Nescafe'.
Mum was puzzled at first, but then went into the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It read, 'Good to the last drop'. Mum blushed but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent her card from USA, it read only 'Benson and Hedges'. Mum knew from her husband's similar pack of cigarettes, she read, 'Extra long, King Size. She was slightly embarrassed, but happy for her daughter.
Mum waited a week and had no card from the third daughter. Another week passed and still nothing. Then finally, after a month the card arrived. Written on it in shaky handwriting were the words, 'British Airways'.
Fearing the worst, mum got out her holiday magazine, and flipping through the pages finally found the ad for the airline, read it and......fainted.
The ad said, 'Three times a day, seven times a week, both ways'.

The probe that landed on the comet has sent back some astonishing pictures.
Clangers!

I woke up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

I groaned, but the doctor goes on, "You have $90,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $10,000 an inch." I perked up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.

It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.
I agreed to talk it over with my wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes"
"What is your decision?" says the doctor"



"We're getting a new kitchen."

LOL