Dead Penguins - I never knew this!



Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?



Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.



The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:



"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

A lonely widow, age 70, decided it was time to get married again...

She put an ad in the local paper...






HUSBAND WANTED...

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's)...

MUST NOT BEAT ME...

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME...

MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON...




A day later the doorbell rang...



Much to her dismay...



she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman...



sitting in a wheelchair...



He had no arms or legs...



The woman asked...



'You're not really asking me to consider you... are you?


Just look at you...you have no legs...



The man smiled... 'Therefore... I cannot run around on you!'



She snorted... 'You don't have any arms either!'



Again the man smiled... 'Therefore... I can never beat you!'



She raised an eyebrow and asked intently... 'Are you still good in bed???'



The man leaned back... beamed a big smile and replied...


'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

Like it - the joke I meant. Ha! Ha!

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
"I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory everyday and learn the operation so that you can become rich and successful and take the business on in the future.”
The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”
“I see.” replied the father-in-law, “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”
“I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk.” “Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half owner of a money-making industry, but you don’t like factories, and won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?”
“Easy,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out!”

A mother had 3 daughters, all were getting married within a short time of each other.
Because mum was a bit worried, she made them all promise to send a postcard from their honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex was.
The first card was from her daughter on honeymoon in Hawaii, it read just 'Nescafe'.
Mum was puzzled at first, but then went into the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It read, 'Good to the last drop'. Mum blushed but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent her card from USA, it read only 'Benson and Hedges'. Mum knew from her husband's similar pack of cigarettes, she read, 'Extra long, King Size. She was slightly embarrassed, but happy for her daughter.
Mum waited a week and had no card from the third daughter. Another week passed and still nothing. Then finally, after a month the card arrived. Written on it in shaky handwriting were the words, 'British Airways'.
Fearing the worst, mum got out her holiday magazine, and flipping through the pages finally found the ad for the airline, read it and......fainted.
The ad said, 'Three times a day, seven times a week, both ways'.

The probe that landed on the comet has sent back some astonishing pictures.
Clangers!

I woke up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

I groaned, but the doctor goes on, "You have $90,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $10,000 an inch." I perked up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.

It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.
I agreed to talk it over with my wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes"
"What is your decision?" says the doctor"



"We're getting a new kitchen."

LOL

My dream has been shattered,

Every time I make love to my wife, she shouts 'ikea ikea ikea', I always thought she was climaxing.

What a wonderful thing is technology

The ipad

Husband buys his son an iPAD, daughter an iPOD, himself an iPHONE & his wife an iRON.
She wasn't impressed even after he explained it can be integrated with the iWASH, iCOOK & iCLEAN network.

This triggered the iNAG service, which totally wiped out the iSHAG function

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE kittens

Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her.
Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man.

"Hi there little girl, I'm the leader of the Labour Party, Ed Miliband.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Miliband.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Labour supporters," answered Suzy with a smile.

Miliband was delighted.
As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two of them agreed that he should return the next day;
and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again on the pavement with her basket of "FREE KITTENS,"
when Milliband's motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, ABC, CNN and Sky News,

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Miliband got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're UKIP supporters."

Taken by surprise, Ed stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were LABOUR SUPPORTERS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know.

But today, they have their eyes open."

Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and

the car comes to a stop.

Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:

'You get out and check - you were driving.

'The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is

dead.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Cherie

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair

ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My goodness, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.

The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened

his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up

meal and the daughter made love to me. '

'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie. ' I knocked on the

door, and when it was answered, I said to them:

' I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.

:))

Arthur is 85 years old.

He's played golf every day since his retirement 20 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so
bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes.. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don'
you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is ninety two. He can't help."

"He may be ninety two," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball ?"

"Of course I did !", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go ?" asks Arthur.

"Can't remember."

Skinny,

As a member of the older set, I take great offence at jokes about old people and their failing memory, in fact I am so incensed as soon as I remember where to complain I intend to do so.

Couple involved in nasty accident,hubby is shaken up, but the wife is seriously injured.
Hubby told major reconstruction and intensive plastic surgery required,he at once voluntiers as a donor.It will be a long and painful experience for both of you he's told,she's a good women and wife whom i love very dearly.
After many months the treatment is complete and the wife takes a look in the mirror,
"WOW" she exclaims i look better than be fore,younger.How can i repay you she asks the husband,you already have,"WHEN YOUR MOTHER KISSED YOU ON YOUR CHEEK"?

It is nearly Turkey time !!

 
Subject: THE GLOBAL DATING INDEX
 
ANGLO/SAXON WOMEN: 


First date: You get to kiss her goodnight. 
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit. 
Third date: You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the missionary position. 

 
IRISH WOMEN: 


First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 

 
ITALIAN WOMEN: 


First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. 
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs. 
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring. 
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress. 

 
CHINESE WOMEN: 


First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens. 
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again. 
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you realize nothing is ever going to happen. 

 
INDIAN WOMEN: 


First date: Meet her parents. 
Second date: Set the date of the wedding. 
Third date: Wedding night. 

 
BLACK WOMEN: 


First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. 
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner. 
Third Date: You get to pay her rent. 
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone else. 

 
MEXICAN WOMEN: 


First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car. 
Second Date: She's pregnant. 
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip. 
 
 
JEWISH WOMEN: 

First Date: You spend all your money to impress her. 
Second Date: You take a loan to keep the image. 
Third Date: You're broke, she finds someone wealthier. 

 
ARAB WOMEN: 


First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out. 
Second Date: You are shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the goats. 
No third date! 

 
The POINT? 
DON' T YOU JUST LOVE THE IRISH!

Bob was about to marry Caroline when his father took him to one side 'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. I told her, "Of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will." Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'

Bob took his father's advice and as soon as he got Caroline alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Caroline and told her to put them on. Caroline said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. 'Exactly,' replied Bob. 'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.' Caroline paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Bob. 'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. 'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Bob. 'Exactly,' replied Caroline. 'And if you don't change your bloody attitude, you never will.'