The probe that landed on the comet has sent back some astonishing pictures.
Clangers!

I woke up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

I groaned, but the doctor goes on, "You have $90,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $10,000 an inch." I perked up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.

It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.
I agreed to talk it over with my wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes"
"What is your decision?" says the doctor"



"We're getting a new kitchen."

LOL

My dream has been shattered,

Every time I make love to my wife, she shouts 'ikea ikea ikea', I always thought she was climaxing.

What a wonderful thing is technology

The ipad

Husband buys his son an iPAD, daughter an iPOD, himself an iPHONE & his wife an iRON.
She wasn't impressed even after he explained it can be integrated with the iWASH, iCOOK & iCLEAN network.

This triggered the iNAG service, which totally wiped out the iSHAG function

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE kittens

Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her.
Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man.

"Hi there little girl, I'm the leader of the Labour Party, Ed Miliband.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Miliband.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Labour supporters," answered Suzy with a smile.

Miliband was delighted.
As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two of them agreed that he should return the next day;
and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again on the pavement with her basket of "FREE KITTENS,"
when Milliband's motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, ABC, CNN and Sky News,

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Miliband got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're UKIP supporters."

Taken by surprise, Ed stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were LABOUR SUPPORTERS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know.

But today, they have their eyes open."

Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and

the car comes to a stop.

Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:

'You get out and check - you were driving.

'The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is

dead.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Cherie

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair

ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My goodness, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.

The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened

his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up

meal and the daughter made love to me. '

'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie. ' I knocked on the

door, and when it was answered, I said to them:

' I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.

:))

Arthur is 85 years old.

He's played golf every day since his retirement 20 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so
bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes.. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don'
you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is ninety two. He can't help."

"He may be ninety two," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball ?"

"Of course I did !", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go ?" asks Arthur.

"Can't remember."

Skinny,

As a member of the older set, I take great offence at jokes about old people and their failing memory, in fact I am so incensed as soon as I remember where to complain I intend to do so.

Couple involved in nasty accident,hubby is shaken up, but the wife is seriously injured.
Hubby told major reconstruction and intensive plastic surgery required,he at once voluntiers as a donor.It will be a long and painful experience for both of you he's told,she's a good women and wife whom i love very dearly.
After many months the treatment is complete and the wife takes a look in the mirror,
"WOW" she exclaims i look better than be fore,younger.How can i repay you she asks the husband,you already have,"WHEN YOUR MOTHER KISSED YOU ON YOUR CHEEK"?

It is nearly Turkey time !!

 
Subject: THE GLOBAL DATING INDEX
 
ANGLO/SAXON WOMEN: 


First date: You get to kiss her goodnight. 
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit. 
Third date: You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the missionary position. 

 
IRISH WOMEN: 


First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 

 
ITALIAN WOMEN: 


First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. 
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs. 
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring. 
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress. 

 
CHINESE WOMEN: 


First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens. 
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again. 
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you realize nothing is ever going to happen. 

 
INDIAN WOMEN: 


First date: Meet her parents. 
Second date: Set the date of the wedding. 
Third date: Wedding night. 

 
BLACK WOMEN: 


First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. 
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner. 
Third Date: You get to pay her rent. 
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone else. 

 
MEXICAN WOMEN: 


First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car. 
Second Date: She's pregnant. 
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip. 
 
 
JEWISH WOMEN: 

First Date: You spend all your money to impress her. 
Second Date: You take a loan to keep the image. 
Third Date: You're broke, she finds someone wealthier. 

 
ARAB WOMEN: 


First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out. 
Second Date: You are shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the goats. 
No third date! 

 
The POINT? 
DON' T YOU JUST LOVE THE IRISH!

Bob was about to marry Caroline when his father took him to one side 'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. I told her, "Of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will." Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'

Bob took his father's advice and as soon as he got Caroline alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Caroline and told her to put them on. Caroline said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. 'Exactly,' replied Bob. 'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.' Caroline paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Bob. 'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. 'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Bob. 'Exactly,' replied Caroline. 'And if you don't change your bloody attitude, you never will.'

very good midnight

Last week, Ethel checked in to a motel on her 70th birthday and she
was a
bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see
advertised in
phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy
calling
himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills
flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy
hair, long
powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite
certain she
could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled butt... She figured,
what the
heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she
hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great
massage. I'd
like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I
should be
straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is
sex. I
want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber,
leather,
whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot
and heavy
all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream,
anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"


He said,

"That sounds absolutely fantastic,...

but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

:-))

This guy brings his best mate home, unannounced, for
dinner at 6:30pm, after work.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed
and listens to the tirade...

"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess,
the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my
f****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the f*** did you bring him
home unannounced, you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."